blue days

For the past two years, I've lived a very busy, high-stress life. My days have been scheduled by the hour. My planner saw a lot of use! However, that time of extreme busyness has come to a sudden stop. Sudden quiet. Sudden lack of schedule. Sudden lack of income. Hours where I can do anything I want or need with no requirements or homework or planning. Hours of empty freedom.

Oh, change. The only constant in life is change, right?

I graduated, packed up, cleaned up, and we moved to a new city. I celebrated getting to live together with the hubby again, then I cleaned, unpacked, arranged, organized, cleaned some more, figured out how to get to the grocery, located the thrift stores, and then...

...just nothing. No job interviews, no huge to-do list. I took up meal planning, which I probably should have been doing all along. I actually plan to mop again today - this is unusual for me! I cleaned the windows in the entry stairway, planted pachysandra in front of the porch, and even put in some annual flowers near our front steps.

Then, I had an interview at Macy's - a very cloudy, rainy day. Imagine me trying to keep my just-a-bit-too-long pant legs out of the puddles while juggling an umbrella and my full leather tote bag in the wind and rain... I'm sure I was a sight! The interview was fine, but I know I'm overqualified for the position. They were surprised when I handed them a resume - let's just leave it at that.
Who knows if they'll even call me back.

That was a very low day. I cried off and on for no reason. The rain and dark skies sure didn't help! I'm a sunshine-lovin' girl. I couldn't make myself get up off the couch. I tried doing things I like - knitting, crafts, painting, reading, eating a grape popsicle - nothing was fun. I did the dishes numbly. I felt fat, even though I know that this belly is a good sign that Baby is growing and healthy. It meant the world to me when my mom called, and reminded me that this might not just be a "sad" day. This might be depression.

Just like when I was first married. We had spent a sweet week of togetherness, then packed and moved to our new place, 3 hours' drive from anyone we knew and loved. He had a part-time job right away, which left me home with piles of boxes. I attacked those boxes - cleaned, organized, put away. Lifted more than I should have. I went running often, ate way too little, and cried almost every day. I couldn't look at wedding photos without tears. What should have been the happiest months of my life were incredibly lonely, sad times. No job, a very busy hubby at grad school, no friends, and a very tiny apartment with nothing left to clean or organize or decorate.

After a while, when I finally did have a job, things felt better. I didn't love my job, but at least I was contributing some pennies to our account. I started eating more appropriately, and still exercised. We made some friends at church, and things turned around. I adjusted, and learned to like it, even love it, there in our new home.

So now, I know everything will work out. I just have to make it through this sad time. I know Hubby will come home each day, and I will have a hug and someone to talk to who understands. (Oscar-cat is cute, and talks back, but isn't anywhere close to human, of course.) I don't have to wait until the weekend to see him, and I don't have to go to counseling to feel like I can actually be myself. I have to make good choices about my body and health - not just physically, but emotionally, too. It will be so helpful once we've found a church to call home. Once I have a schedule that's more than this:

7:44am - get up with Hubby, make breakfast and his lunch, then do the dishes. Shower, maybe. Think about what other household chores I can do. Can I find an excuse to leave the house? Groceries? Bank? Thrifting? No, we don't have any extra money right now.
12 noon - eat something. Try to make it nutritious.
2pm - nap? If I feel like it.
5pm - what last minute cleaning can I do before Hubby comes home?
6pm - begin to make dinner
10pm - try to make it until now before going to bed.

And just this morning, I got a call for a teaching interview - a long term sub position. That would be a good thing! Experience, something to get my name out there, and ending just in time for me to have Baby. Praying that God will help me to know what decision to make if I'm offered the position. Hoping that I'm offered the position!

Today it is sunny. I know rain will come again, but I'm praying that I can face it with more strength.

first graduate final exam week

Lots of contradictions in that title, eh?

This is the end of my first semester as a graduate student, and I finished my last exam. Whew! It has been a whirlwind - 3 papers, 3 presentations, 2 juries to accompany, 0 juries for me to sing(!), and 1 exam. I have actually had time to clean my house and make cookies. Crazy. I have also had friends over three times this week!

In the middle of all of this, I have been struggling with depression. It's a side effect of the medicine I'm taking, and it's exacerbated near the end of the regimen. I've felt intensely lonely, cried over stupid things, and done ridiculous things to keep myself busy (read: shoveling my whole driveway, thus giving me a large blister on my hand).

It's also the time where I become intensely maternal - even though I know that a baby right now would be a bad idea. It's difficult for me to see friends having their first and even second child right now. There have been two births in the past week! My best friend's daughter is almost 6 months old...it's hard for me to stay motivated to finish school, when I know that my heart longs to be a mommy so much more than to be just a music teacher.

But I will finish. I will earn this degree, because this is likely my only opportunity to study, at least, for a very long time. And it's a great privilege, I do have some talent, and I'm learning a lot of things that would have been difficult to learn on my own time. It has been an adjustment, but I'm doing alright.

And in better news, I just found out that I made an A and an A- on my last two papers of the semester! The first of those two papers was a rather practical assignment, which required me to design a choral conducting recital program, research it in depth, gathering a long list of sources, and then to present my findings in a paper. I decided to focus on settings of the Latin Mass, and especially on the Agnus Dei movement. I chose masses of composers from the 16th-20th centuries, including Lassus, Hassler, Charpentier, Mozart, and Stravinsky. The Stravinsky setting is quite unique - it calls for a double wind quintet for the accompaniment, and the entire Mass takes only 17 minutes to perform.

The second paper was a research project on BWV 147 "Herz und Mund und Tat und Leben", a sacred cantata by J. S. Bach. I had chosen this piece for a few reasons, but primarily because I could use my research in a couple of my other classes and thereby save myself some time. I ended up loving the piece, but getting very tired of research! It's definitely not my cup of tea to pull a stack of books off the shelf and to dig through them for the words of other people. Once the paper writing actually began, things came together rather quickly. I enjoy writing - it's the research I don't care for!

Both of these papers were for my Research and Bibliography class, a course that's required of all entering graduate students. I'm pretty sure this is a similar case at most graduate schools. It was a grueling class, though I'm thankful for the information I now have at my fingertips. I was truly expecting to only get a B or a B- on my research, so these grades were a welcome surprise!

I had planned to have tea today with one of my good friends at school after I finished my exam today. Sadly, I realized that I had overbooked myself, and that if I went to tea, I would miss out on precious hours with my husband before he left town for the afternoon to visit my brother. I was disappointed to cancel with my friend, but glad to be able to snuggle with my hubby in daylight hours! This lovely friend also mentioned that she has a gift for me - what a nice surprise! This did leave me in a conundrum, though - I had to find a gift to give her! Why didn't I think of this before? Am I such a bad friend?

So I knit a snug mug sleeve! It's made of sport-weight acrylic yarn and a wooden button.

The idea of making a button tab was a new development for me. I've made these before, but I had always just squeezed the button in the middle and let the fabric squish under the handle. I think this is a better solution, but it still needs a bit of work. Maybe a loop instead?

Other lovely projects this week included putting some snowy glitter on pinecones and making glittery star ornaments for part of my mom's Christmas gift. (shhh!)


These ornaments are awaiting gold thread to hang them from...hoping to get to a craft store this weekend!

I also had time to make Ginger Cookies - this recipe came from my great grandmother, Isabel's mother...my Great Great Grandmother. My family is Swedish, and these are a traditional favorite for us. My dad requests these every year, and my father-in-law has begun to request them as well! It's a very stiff dough, made with molasses and ginger and other delicious spices. First, you roll the dough into little balls and coat them with sugar. (Favorite part!)



The cookies are baked for about 18 minutes, and the come out with perfectly cracked tops and crusted with sugar:



I multi-tasked big time last night to keep myself busy. I made oven-barbecued chicken, corn muffins, and these cookies all at the same time. Here's a picture of the corn muffins (with raisins! delicious).



And this busy little bee also studied for an exam. I'm pretty sure I did well! The transcript will tell...


Just 9 days until Christmas! Hooray!