not. okay.
I took the Music Theory exam for the second time around on Saturday morning. Like I said in this post, I knew that there were things that I didn't do well, but I thought it was okay enough to pass. I evidently passed one of the three sections - only the 20th century Theory. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that I would now have to take a review course (read: extra cost) to make up the "deficiency" in my knowledge. It also wouldn't be so bad if the professor hadn't written this: "I regret to inform you that you did not pass the chromatic harmony portion and the form and analysis section of the placement exam although you showed some improvement and manage to pass the twentieth century techniques section."
Manage to pass? 1. She is Asian, but seriously, she should know how to use the language as a teacher in an American college. 2. And to imply that it was surprising that I would pass? 3. And to merely concede that I showed some improvement? It made me want to cry.
Not that I didn't have enough on my plate already, or anything.
What is it that God wants me to do? He is the only one I need to please. I'm struggling to hear, to see the direction I should take, and to have the hope I need to get me through this.
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decisions. Show all posts
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
decisions for a new year
being an adult is a lot harder than I thought.
For instance, this week I need to decide whether or not completing my Master's degree is worthwhile and practical, and if it is feasible. Our financial situation makes it difficult to swing this - something needs to go.
The drastic option:
1. find teaching jobs for one or both of us outside this state, break our lease and utility contracts, withdraw from school, move. This means I probably will not have the opportunity to finish my degree, and I know I'll regret that, even though grad school is the most challenging experience I've had yet. It also means that we could possibly start a family sooner than we thought - something I've wanted my whole life. Is this the door to a dream come true? It's definitely near-instant relief for our fears and struggles. Or is this a foolish decision we would make out of fear? Does this betray a lack of trust in God's promise to provide for our needs? (Is a Master's degree a need? Yes, if we stay in this state... but only if I'm going to actually teach)
The difficult, but possibly viable options:
1. find a better job for my husband. Better = closer, at least the same pay, more normal hours, full time. It would be amazing if this was also in his field.
2. take on a part time job myself in addition to grad school and my assistantship work. I really don't know how that's possible, but I'll try. Perhaps I will be more aggressive at recruiting piano students, and build an income from that. I don't have the time to make a home-based business on a site like etsy possible. That would take too much away from my grad studies.
3. be humble enough to ask, beg, plead for more money to be added to my tuition remission scholarship. I have an appointment to talk about this with the dean of the school on Wednesday.
4. ask our parents for loans. I don't really want to do this, since we already owe them money and we've had to begin payments on my husband's school loans. I also hate the idea of going further into debt.
5. sell stuff. There's some crystal I got for wedding presents that I really don't love. Someone else might... I have some clothes that could go, even though I struggle to get rid of them. See this post as a miniature explanation of my collections. I also have a collection of winter accessories, shoes, jewelry, and craft supplies. I am a skilled knitter, cook, and scrapbooker. Perhaps someone would pay me for this?
Anyway, I feel like I'm having a real crisis. I laid awake for hours last night, I can't focus today, and I'm pretty sure I'll cry if I have to talk to anyone about this.
I really want to finish school. Here's why:
1. The degree allows me to teach permanently in this state, which is as close to a guarantee of income as I can get without actually having a job right now.
2. The degree is helping me to grow personally and musically and giving me the skills to be a better leader, teacher, researcher, learner, and professional.
3. The degree is seen as the culminating point of studies for most people in my field. Those that go on seal their fates as collegiate employees or overqualified high school teachers that districts fear to employ (a higher salary? oh no! next applicant). I would enjoy being a professor if it could be well balanced with having a family. I have yet to meet a female professor whose children are well behaved, well adjusted socially, and generally pleasant to be around.
4. I enjoy preparing a score, learning new music, teaching students, and conducting. Teaching and seeing growth, however, is my primary motivator. I am happiest when I have just spent a half hour as a piano teacher or a vocal coach. I wonder if I will learn enough to inspire and effect greater change in my choristers as well. Past choral students of mine seem to have been encouraged by the changes and growth they've made. I want to do better at this.
5. I have never quit anything except for 3rd grade softball and 12th grade calculus (because my teacher hadn't taught it in the past 6 years and because I knew I didn't need it for my upcoming music education degree). I am not a quitter. I finish what I start, and I do well - my best possible. Withdrawal now would be a huge personal crisis for me. Could that be beneficial? Perhaps, but it's not what I want to choose.
6. Did I mention that I love teaching? I like setting the schedule, organizing the rehearsal, and being responsible for the music education of young people.
I also really want a family. Here's why:
1. I love being at home. It's happy, it's ours, and I get to pick what's in it, where it goes, and what color it is (usually). I don't mind laundry, cooking, or cleaning, though I do like to have help sometimes. I love gardening, working outside, and being with the people I love.
2. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was old enough to hold a dolly. I soon realized that most people don't think the answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up, Linnea?" should be "A Mommy!" but should be something respectable like a teacher, doctor, pastor, physicist, engineer, veterinarian, changetheworldian. Especially with my early-detected "giftedness," I should be something great. I'm pretty sure I disappointed some people by choosing to be a musician, since, of course, they don't need to do any academic work, right? Pardon me while I laugh a bit.
3. I love children. I love finding teachable moments - especially moments to teach about faith, music, and manners. I don't mind tempera paint on my sleeve and spitup on my pants (at least temporarily). Diapers don't scare me, and finding crushed Cheerios in the car seat doesn't bother me. I can handle infant twins, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old all by myself, at the same time. I can make a meal or mix up formula with a baby on my hip. I can plan a meal that's ready in 15 minutes. I can orchestrate bedtime for four. I'm okay with not having a shower, not getting my hair done, and wearing the same clothes twice...or three times.
4. I love my husband. I want to build a family with him that honors God and brings joy both to us and our parents. I want to strengthen the bond that is this marriage, this family unit. There are other ways to do this than having children, granted.
5. I am already 25. I would like to not be 50 when my children are graduating from college so that I can jump for joy at their successes.
6. I am incredibly tired of birth control pills. It's annoying and disruptive to my emotional and physical well-being.
7. It just seems like the right thing for a married Christian woman to do - serve and bring honor to her husband, God, and herself, work hard to earn an income, have children. Read Proverbs 31 and the command to "be fruitful and multiply" if you need to confirm this.
So this is what I'm considering. Pray for me?
And on a lighter note, here's a snowman I made on our one 45 degree January day:
For instance, this week I need to decide whether or not completing my Master's degree is worthwhile and practical, and if it is feasible. Our financial situation makes it difficult to swing this - something needs to go.
The drastic option:
1. find teaching jobs for one or both of us outside this state, break our lease and utility contracts, withdraw from school, move. This means I probably will not have the opportunity to finish my degree, and I know I'll regret that, even though grad school is the most challenging experience I've had yet. It also means that we could possibly start a family sooner than we thought - something I've wanted my whole life. Is this the door to a dream come true? It's definitely near-instant relief for our fears and struggles. Or is this a foolish decision we would make out of fear? Does this betray a lack of trust in God's promise to provide for our needs? (Is a Master's degree a need? Yes, if we stay in this state... but only if I'm going to actually teach)
The difficult, but possibly viable options:
1. find a better job for my husband. Better = closer, at least the same pay, more normal hours, full time. It would be amazing if this was also in his field.
2. take on a part time job myself in addition to grad school and my assistantship work. I really don't know how that's possible, but I'll try. Perhaps I will be more aggressive at recruiting piano students, and build an income from that. I don't have the time to make a home-based business on a site like etsy possible. That would take too much away from my grad studies.
3. be humble enough to ask, beg, plead for more money to be added to my tuition remission scholarship. I have an appointment to talk about this with the dean of the school on Wednesday.
4. ask our parents for loans. I don't really want to do this, since we already owe them money and we've had to begin payments on my husband's school loans. I also hate the idea of going further into debt.
5. sell stuff. There's some crystal I got for wedding presents that I really don't love. Someone else might... I have some clothes that could go, even though I struggle to get rid of them. See this post as a miniature explanation of my collections. I also have a collection of winter accessories, shoes, jewelry, and craft supplies. I am a skilled knitter, cook, and scrapbooker. Perhaps someone would pay me for this?
Anyway, I feel like I'm having a real crisis. I laid awake for hours last night, I can't focus today, and I'm pretty sure I'll cry if I have to talk to anyone about this.
I really want to finish school. Here's why:
1. The degree allows me to teach permanently in this state, which is as close to a guarantee of income as I can get without actually having a job right now.
2. The degree is helping me to grow personally and musically and giving me the skills to be a better leader, teacher, researcher, learner, and professional.
3. The degree is seen as the culminating point of studies for most people in my field. Those that go on seal their fates as collegiate employees or overqualified high school teachers that districts fear to employ (a higher salary? oh no! next applicant). I would enjoy being a professor if it could be well balanced with having a family. I have yet to meet a female professor whose children are well behaved, well adjusted socially, and generally pleasant to be around.
4. I enjoy preparing a score, learning new music, teaching students, and conducting. Teaching and seeing growth, however, is my primary motivator. I am happiest when I have just spent a half hour as a piano teacher or a vocal coach. I wonder if I will learn enough to inspire and effect greater change in my choristers as well. Past choral students of mine seem to have been encouraged by the changes and growth they've made. I want to do better at this.
5. I have never quit anything except for 3rd grade softball and 12th grade calculus (because my teacher hadn't taught it in the past 6 years and because I knew I didn't need it for my upcoming music education degree). I am not a quitter. I finish what I start, and I do well - my best possible. Withdrawal now would be a huge personal crisis for me. Could that be beneficial? Perhaps, but it's not what I want to choose.
6. Did I mention that I love teaching? I like setting the schedule, organizing the rehearsal, and being responsible for the music education of young people.
I also really want a family. Here's why:
1. I love being at home. It's happy, it's ours, and I get to pick what's in it, where it goes, and what color it is (usually). I don't mind laundry, cooking, or cleaning, though I do like to have help sometimes. I love gardening, working outside, and being with the people I love.
2. I have wanted to be a mommy since I was old enough to hold a dolly. I soon realized that most people don't think the answer to "What do you want to be when you grow up, Linnea?" should be "A Mommy!" but should be something respectable like a teacher, doctor, pastor, physicist, engineer, veterinarian, changetheworldian. Especially with my early-detected "giftedness," I should be something great. I'm pretty sure I disappointed some people by choosing to be a musician, since, of course, they don't need to do any academic work, right? Pardon me while I laugh a bit.
3. I love children. I love finding teachable moments - especially moments to teach about faith, music, and manners. I don't mind tempera paint on my sleeve and spitup on my pants (at least temporarily). Diapers don't scare me, and finding crushed Cheerios in the car seat doesn't bother me. I can handle infant twins, a 3 year old, and a 5 year old all by myself, at the same time. I can make a meal or mix up formula with a baby on my hip. I can plan a meal that's ready in 15 minutes. I can orchestrate bedtime for four. I'm okay with not having a shower, not getting my hair done, and wearing the same clothes twice...or three times.
4. I love my husband. I want to build a family with him that honors God and brings joy both to us and our parents. I want to strengthen the bond that is this marriage, this family unit. There are other ways to do this than having children, granted.
5. I am already 25. I would like to not be 50 when my children are graduating from college so that I can jump for joy at their successes.
6. I am incredibly tired of birth control pills. It's annoying and disruptive to my emotional and physical well-being.
7. It just seems like the right thing for a married Christian woman to do - serve and bring honor to her husband, God, and herself, work hard to earn an income, have children. Read Proverbs 31 and the command to "be fruitful and multiply" if you need to confirm this.
So this is what I'm considering. Pray for me?
And on a lighter note, here's a snowman I made on our one 45 degree January day:
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
shock, anger, fear, acceptance, peace?
it has been a week since i was told that i am leaving the company, and i feel like i've been through these stages. i have been angry at my managers, afraid of what the future might hold, and finally, accepting of the situation. somewhere in between, there were moments of intense sadness, frustration, and failure. there are still some moments that i feel like i've failed.
at the same time, i know that this chapter in my life is ending. it has been a really rough road, and i haven't really enjoyed being in this job. my hope is that my example has been one that brings glory to Jesus, and not to me. I hope that someone has been changed by my words, actions, or attitude. I hope that my time there has not been in vain. i know God placed me there for a reason, and that i was a light in a very dark place.
and somehow, there's a peace in my heart. there's still pain, but God has given me unexplainable peace. and i don't deserve it, but i'm so grateful.
all that said, my husband and i are still unemployed.
he does have a second interview tomorrow, which is great!
I had an interview for a teaching position in a school yesterday morning - a panel of 7 interviewers, seated at a big rectangular table, firing off questions round-robin. not my favorite interview style (as if one could choose a "comfortable" way to interview). it was all done in a mere 15 minutes - i'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing. I do look forward to hearing if i will be asked to come back. it was an hour's drive from my home to this school. we'll look into moving if i get the job.
i had a nice, long talk with one of my dearest friends last night. she's going through some really difficult decision-making times, and i so wish that i could be with her. at least i can listen from afar. and maybe meet up on a saturday to do some shopping. i miss her.
my irises beside my little apartment deck are blooming! it's so fun to see that - like my little bit of labor paid off. as if i could ever make a plant grow...
here's a picture:
at the same time, i know that this chapter in my life is ending. it has been a really rough road, and i haven't really enjoyed being in this job. my hope is that my example has been one that brings glory to Jesus, and not to me. I hope that someone has been changed by my words, actions, or attitude. I hope that my time there has not been in vain. i know God placed me there for a reason, and that i was a light in a very dark place.
and somehow, there's a peace in my heart. there's still pain, but God has given me unexplainable peace. and i don't deserve it, but i'm so grateful.
all that said, my husband and i are still unemployed.
he does have a second interview tomorrow, which is great!
I had an interview for a teaching position in a school yesterday morning - a panel of 7 interviewers, seated at a big rectangular table, firing off questions round-robin. not my favorite interview style (as if one could choose a "comfortable" way to interview). it was all done in a mere 15 minutes - i'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing. I do look forward to hearing if i will be asked to come back. it was an hour's drive from my home to this school. we'll look into moving if i get the job.
i had a nice, long talk with one of my dearest friends last night. she's going through some really difficult decision-making times, and i so wish that i could be with her. at least i can listen from afar. and maybe meet up on a saturday to do some shopping. i miss her.
my irises beside my little apartment deck are blooming! it's so fun to see that - like my little bit of labor paid off. as if i could ever make a plant grow...
here's a picture:
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