Monday, August 16, 2010

in between times

This is one of those times where we're "in between." Between jobs, between school years, between decisions. It's hard to know right now what choice is right, what job will actually be ours, what to study, what to leave for another day.

The truth is that this is a mere speck on the cosmic horizon, and that God has this life in control. Regardless of how powerless, drained, stressed, angry, frustrated, and tearful I become, I know it's not my job to figure it out, but to be patient and to wait on His plan.

Knowledge is one thing. Actually acting on that knowledge is quite another story. Right now, we're waiting to hear whether or not my husband will have an interview for a job in his field, a job that would carry health insurance coverage for both of us, a job that would pay next month's rent, a job that would put food on next month's table, a job that, undoubtedly, 20 or more other candidates are hoping to get. Right now, I've applied for unemployment (which I may not get, since I'm a student now) and medicaid. We've paid half of this semester's tuition, because paying all of it means we have nothing left. In all of these actions, we're still waiting, still trying, still trusting. This still makes my stomach upset and my face break out - is it really trust if I feel so pressured? So weak and angry? So humiliated that our advanced college degrees still leave us seeking employment at the post office and fast food restaurants?

A current song says that these in between times are "just the dawn before the morning" and "the pain before the healing." It's so hard to be in the valley and not be able to see the way out - to be so broken in so many ways and to not be able to pull an A+ to get out. Morning is coming. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps I will not cry....tomorrow.

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