I couldn't share with you all then, but I can now! My Valentine's Day was beautiful and full of reminders of how much I'm loved. But beyond the gift of having my husband home with me, he also brought me a little tangible gift.

I gave him his gift first - you can see that here. Then, he asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hands (just like when he proposed to me, slipping the ring on my finger). When I reached out, this is what he put in my hands:

"Are you sure?" I asked, with surprise and joy in my voice, almost in tears.

"Yes," he replied with quiet confidence. His strong arms reached out and pulled me in for a hug, as he whispered his love for me and a second affirmation, "I'm ready."

I'll cherish that moment for always! 

So grateful to God for the promise, the hope, and the big (little!) blessing we've been given. 

Love you for always, my dear husband! Excited for this new time of life with you.

on missing him

Maybe you already know that right now, for a variety of reasons, Hubby works in a different city during the week. We get to be together on weekends, and the light at the end of this tunnel is my graduation from my master's degree program. Cannot wait. At the same time, I'm overwhelmed and stressed with the volume of work and seemingly insurmountable tasks that make up my days. "Soon enough," hubby says. I try really hard to believe that.

And I miss him like crazy. I keep telling myself that it could be much worse: he could be gone for months or even years, fighting a war for the safety of this place I call home. But it hurts so much to have to say goodbye every weekend, to not share the normal minutia of life. It hurts to know that he's hurting, that he's longing as desperately for me as I am for him.

Sometimes when I'm upset, my brain works better in poetry, music, or art. I feel better if I can create. So as he left for work last night, I redecorated the dining room table. I cried. I tried a new recipe. I sang. I prayed. And I wrote poetic prose:

The moment you got in the car, I missed you.
You are my home, my anchor.
I feel lost at sea on a cloudy night
Without the stars from which to take
A direction.
I long for you more than words can explain.
I love you.

Today there were thunderstorms and rain. At the same time, the sun was shining, daffodils were blooming, and there was a magnificent complete rainbow with a mirrored reflection, and tiny willow leaves against the darkbluegray sky.

Today there was heartache and stress. At the same time, I wore a pretty gray dress with a spring-green cardigan, took a single daffodil to school in a vase, had enough to eat, and had moments of wonder. Soon, I will rest in safety.

Soon, I will rest with my husband in a place that is ours together every day. Soon, I'll reach the summit of this mountain called a Masters Program. Soon.

Soon.

Soon...

Praying for strength for today, and hope for tomorrow. Remembering my blessings, and cherishing the man who is my husband. Trusting the God who gave him to me and me to him. Believing that together will really come "soon enough."

And letting the tears fall. 

"home," but not.

home is wherever i am that my husband is with me. he is my "home," and when i'm with him, i feel most at rest, safe, completely loved, and confident. right now i'm at my parents' home, and he is miles away at our little apartment. i'm teaching at a summer music school for a week (just a week!), and i miss him so much.
it feels empty to lay down at night without him. i miss his hand holding mine at the breakfast table. i miss driving to work together. i miss the hugs, the cuddles, and the kisses. i miss him.
does that seem a little dramatic? it doesn't help that this is an emotional time for me, anyway, what with losing a job, dealing with less income, and being female.
i love my family and i'm happy to be with them. it just doesn't seem right without my husband here. he's so much a part of me!
i'm even finding it hard to be motivated to do the lesson plans i have to do before tomorrow's classes. but i will.
i'm praying for the Lord's help to let go and to trust him. why must this be a constant struggle? all i want is the peace, joy, and strength to do well at whatever he sets before me.

feelings are not good at telling the truth

sometimes I feel like my career so far - if you can call it that - has been a blip on the radar or a shooting star. I feel like the things that I've done are good, and that I have been successful, but that I was brilliant for a short time and then disappeared from the sky.

will I have the chance to make a difference like that again? will i have a long term career? do I want that?

it's a good thing that feelings are not (always) truth.

this is an interim time, a dry spell, a cloud across the horizon. I will have the chance to shine again, and it will be good. I will have the opportunity to use my music skills and to teach what I love. but this time is necessary, too.

my husband will finish his degree soon, and then I hope to complete a masters' program, too. (this is slightly scary, since I have not been practicing, and since I am unsure of what program I want to pursue, at all!)
after that, I may teach a couple years, but we want to start a family. I think it's really important that children have their mother or father at home to nurture them, to teach them, and to provide a stable, consistent environment.I don't want to be working at a job other than mothering if I can help it at that point in time.

side note: I love chocolate. one of the realtors here at work gave me a recipe for 5-minute chocolate cake in a mug... I can't wait to try it! maybe tonight. and this dove chocolate square is melting in my mouth. mmmmmmm!

I may be able to teach some private lessons. it does take a lot of work and contacts to build a private studio, but hopefully that will be easier to accomplish through the church that we will be attending at that point. I do think I can balance that and mothering, especially if I can teach during naps. anyone think that's unrealistic? perhaps. or we can put the little one in a play area nearby and begin to teach the baby music, too. oh, yes.

all of my future dreams involve a little bit of fear for me. I suppose that is a normal feeling. Ipray that it won't get in the way of my courage to try! I know the sting of rejection, and hope that I don't have to face that again. iI pray that I have the courage, persistence, and will to build up my skills again to an audition-worthy level, and that I will not be too critical of myself.

I have started to put together a scrapbook to celebrate our first year of marriage. so far, I've done four 8x8 pages - moving day, some pictures of our little apartment, and pictures of the beautiful surrounding area. I need to get some more prints, though. the book is turning out really cute! I would like some more scrapbook papers, too, but we'll see what comes of that. sometimes I am more creative when i don't have exactly what I need, or rather, what I want.

maybe that's what God is getting at in my life. I do have everything I need, but not everything I want. I may need to be more creative with my life at this point, and I know I need to be a good steward of the gifts I have been given (hence the need to practice).

may the Lord grant me the strength to daily accomplish His will for my life, the patience to wait for His timing, and the joy and ability to do all things well.

beauty and pain

these red beauties are mine! my husband gave them to me to celebrate our 1/2 year wedding anniversary...he's so sweet to me.

this would be an example of me having fun with a camera. i also discovered that i hate kodak easyshare cameras - it's incredibly difficult to get a good, clear macro with realistic color.

today i have the worst headache i've had in a long time. it was one of those that you wake up with, that's just a dull ache for a while. after lunch, it got so much worse! i took extra meds, took a nap, and i feel a bit better now. i'm hoping it's gone for when we head out to dinner tonight.

the roses my husband gave me for our 6-months-of-married-bliss celebration are still gorgeous, but have just a hint of dark red around the edges. i know it won't be long before they're past, but i like them! i'm enjoying that little bit of beauty in my home. my husband loves me, and i'm so very grateful. he just kissed me...so sweet.

most of our friends should be back in town tonight, since the semester starts up again on tuesday. i'm excited to reconnect! it should be good.

i've agreed to plan and lead the music for our church's womens' retreat in mid-february. it should be pretty low-key (haha), just me and a friend of mine who plays the guitar. i think i even have the retreat cost covered, which is a mini-miracle, since we have very limited funds right now. it's pretty stressful.

the hubby's car broke down a few weeks ago, and my father in law (mechanic with pretty sweet skills for fixing stuff) took it to see if he could figure out the issue. bottom line is apparently that the car can't be fixed for less than it's worth, and we're turning in the plates. we need another car really fast... my husband's school schedule and my work schedule don't really mesh so well this semester. we're not sure what we're going to do, but somehow, i know God will help us through.

we're here for a reason. we have to be. there's no other way.

and i know it's for our good.

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 corinthians 15:57

two posts in one day

unheard of.

just a note to say how much i love roses.... they make me smile every time i see them! i love how soft the petals are, the light, heady fragrance, the velvety soft appearance, and their beautiful contrasting colors. they're just perfect.

my husband is amazing.