oh, the unknown

poor, finite creatures
seeing glimpses of light
memories of brightness
and mostly darkness

weak, lonely beings
grasping handfuls of time
understanding little
until it passes

loved, cherished children
hearing stronger and clear
(you are not abandoned)
and I will hold you

---------------------L. L. Burr 2012

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...he will make your paths straight."

"Because of your great compassion, you did not abandon them in the desert..."

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love...As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him..."

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

-----------------------

Well, friends, we're here at the end of August. Back-to-school sales are in full swing, some kiddos have stepped on the bus for the first time, and others have just entered their first college lecture hall. Teachers and professors have dusted off lesson plans and syllabi and are working to set the course for their semester. Counselors, principals, secretaries, and custodians have been hard at work preparing for the new year, and parents have been helping their children to adjust to the end of a summer filled with late nights, water balloons, sports, family reunions, campfires, and cartoons.

And I feel like I missed my bus. Like the world is going to go on without me, that I'm left at the end of the driveway by myself.

You know, like I pulled all my things together, organized my backpack, packed my lunch, put on the nice, new clothes, armed myself with my diplomas, and walked out the door just a moment too late.

But that's not completely true.

Yes, I'm armed with diplomas and teaching experience. I have my credentials, good references, an impressive resume, and an organized, ambitious spirit. I'm passionate about teaching students to explore the world of music, and I aim for excellence.

I am not moments too late.

I showed up, early, pressed and dressed. I had three promising interviews for positions that I was more than qualified to fill. And each time, found out that the position was given to someone else, that I wasn't the perfect fit they were looking for, that I would still be stuck here in my workout clothes trying to find a way to help our family make ends meet. Knowing full well that jobs are scarce in this area, yet clinging to the not-ideal, full-time position with benefits that allows hubby to draw a steady income so that we can pay our exorbitant rent and medical bills.

It's probably best that I didn't get any of those positions - each was at least a 45 minute drive from where we live. It's probably best that I'm not driving that far with a very pregnant belly in a vehicle that's a little too big for my 5'1" frame.

It just hurts. I know I could do each of those jobs very well, that students would like me and thrive, that administrators would approve, that communities would be influenced, and that excellence would take place. I know it would mean long hours, lots of driving, and lots of patience. I know it means a messier home and more things left undone here.

Did I take a wrong turn? Was that flash of light illuminating a path I thought I saw, or did I really see it? Why am I still left here, unemployed? Why is it so dark? How in the world am I going to get in two years of "mentored teaching experience" before my certificate extension expires (requiring me to take the certification exams again - a $300+ endeavor)?

Am I really supposed to be here? Still waiting?

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You, Lord.

-------------
Who can know
the mind of our Creator?
Who can speak
of wonders yet unseen?
And who can reach
the heights of understanding
and play the notes of wisdom's melody?

Who has weighed
the dust of every mountain
And who has walked
the mysteries of the deep?
Who has laid the earth on its foundation
and who conducts the waves upon the sea?

I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
So glorious and true
I stand in awe, I stand in awe
----------------------Martyn Layzell, "I Stand in Awe"

on missing him

Maybe you already know that right now, for a variety of reasons, Hubby works in a different city during the week. We get to be together on weekends, and the light at the end of this tunnel is my graduation from my master's degree program. Cannot wait. At the same time, I'm overwhelmed and stressed with the volume of work and seemingly insurmountable tasks that make up my days. "Soon enough," hubby says. I try really hard to believe that.

And I miss him like crazy. I keep telling myself that it could be much worse: he could be gone for months or even years, fighting a war for the safety of this place I call home. But it hurts so much to have to say goodbye every weekend, to not share the normal minutia of life. It hurts to know that he's hurting, that he's longing as desperately for me as I am for him.

Sometimes when I'm upset, my brain works better in poetry, music, or art. I feel better if I can create. So as he left for work last night, I redecorated the dining room table. I cried. I tried a new recipe. I sang. I prayed. And I wrote poetic prose:

The moment you got in the car, I missed you.
You are my home, my anchor.
I feel lost at sea on a cloudy night
Without the stars from which to take
A direction.
I long for you more than words can explain.
I love you.

Today there were thunderstorms and rain. At the same time, the sun was shining, daffodils were blooming, and there was a magnificent complete rainbow with a mirrored reflection, and tiny willow leaves against the darkbluegray sky.

Today there was heartache and stress. At the same time, I wore a pretty gray dress with a spring-green cardigan, took a single daffodil to school in a vase, had enough to eat, and had moments of wonder. Soon, I will rest in safety.

Soon, I will rest with my husband in a place that is ours together every day. Soon, I'll reach the summit of this mountain called a Masters Program. Soon.

Soon.

Soon...

Praying for strength for today, and hope for tomorrow. Remembering my blessings, and cherishing the man who is my husband. Trusting the God who gave him to me and me to him. Believing that together will really come "soon enough."

And letting the tears fall. 

greetings from grad school

I've been bogged down in grad school for the past few weeks, hence the lack of activity. Here, though, is the second draft of a hymn I've been working on for a history of church music class. You can read the first draft here. What do you think of the revision? I'm working on a third draft, now, and hoping it will be the final result. Enjoy!

When We Have No Sufficient Answer

When we have no sufficient answer,
Father, we come on bended knee.
When acts of hatred, violence, terror,
Threaten to break our unity,
In faith, to You, we lift our gaze.
Mighty King, You hold all our days.

When darkness comes, our hearts oppressing,
Spirit, You are the strength we need.
We come in weakness, mouths confessing,
“You are True Light, our souls to lead.”
Come with your fire; on us alight.
Burn in our hearts; make darkness bright.

When in our grief we cry in sadness,
Jesus, you promise perfect peace.
You will restore our hearts to gladness
O Living One, our chains release!
Comfort our hearts, wipe tears away,
As in the promised heav’nly Day.

When we are faced with fear and sorrow,
We reaffirm the Trinity.
Strength for each day, hope for tomorrow!
Unchanging Lord, Divinity.
Yours is the victory, battles won.
We rejoice, Father, Spirit, Son.

and today, I am a poet

I am taking a really interesting class about music of the early Christian church, and I love it! One of our assignments is to either 1. write new music for an existing hymn texts or 2. to take an existing hymn tune and write new poetry. I chose the second option, and I want to share my first draft with you. For those of you that want to see/sing/play the tune it goes with, here are the links to both my text and the music. Musicians, please ignore the not-perfect Finale document. First draft, my friends, first draft.

Here's the text I've written so far. My teacher assigned some edits for me to make - let me know what you think so far!

When We Have No Sufficient Answer

When we have no sufficient answer,
Father, we come, on bended knee.
When acts of violence, terror, hatred
Threaten to break our unity,
We will still praise your holy Name!
We will place all our trust in You.

When we are facing persecution,
Spirit, You are the strength we need.
When we are tempted, struck, abandoned,
and face the evil Enemy,
We will repeat your promises:
Ours is the final victory.

When we are crying for dear loved ones,
Jesus, You promise peace to us.
Comfort our hearts through every trial,
Fill us with hope; in You we trust.
We will still praise your holy Name!
We will place all our trust in You.

When in this world, we face affliction,
We reaffirm the Trinity.
God, in three Persons, holy Mystery,
You have heard all our desperate pleas.
We will repeat your promises:
Yours is the final victory.


2011 Linnea L. Burr

pretty weeds: a haiku

balloon-like white globes

fuzzy featherweight seedlings

common beauty: weeds

early spring, please?

'twas the week before Valentines'
and all through the apartment,
Linnea was cleaning -it's her job department.
The cobwebs which hung on the ceiling with(out) care
Were all brushed away - not a speck, none left there.

The Christmas decorations were all put away,
Even the pinecones that glittered so gay.
And all the red candles, each ornament bright,
Had been tucked away for next Advent's sight.

When all of a sudden, there rose such a clatter -
What had Norah done? What was the matter?
To the china cabinet I ran so very fast
And saw the door open... naughty little cat!

The sun on the opened cabinet beamed
Revealing pink things that shimmered and gleamed
Light floral candles, ribbons and white
Small candy hearts - green and purple, and tealights!

The newly cleaned house just begged to be given
A new color scheme and an abundance of ribbon.
So out with the red, the green, and the gold
In two short months, that scene has grown old.

In with pastels! With pinks! With blues!
In with the Valentine's candy hearts too.
In with the florals, the romance, the birds,
The cards, the chocolate, the cheesy sweet words.

I'll invite all my friends, at least just the girls;
We'll make V-day cards and wear pink and our pearls.
With a flourish of pens and paper and glue,
We'll wish a quite happy Valentine's Day to you.