oh, the unknown

poor, finite creatures
seeing glimpses of light
memories of brightness
and mostly darkness

weak, lonely beings
grasping handfuls of time
understanding little
until it passes

loved, cherished children
hearing stronger and clear
(you are not abandoned)
and I will hold you

---------------------L. L. Burr 2012

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...he will make your paths straight."

"Because of your great compassion, you did not abandon them in the desert..."

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love...As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him..."

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

-----------------------

Well, friends, we're here at the end of August. Back-to-school sales are in full swing, some kiddos have stepped on the bus for the first time, and others have just entered their first college lecture hall. Teachers and professors have dusted off lesson plans and syllabi and are working to set the course for their semester. Counselors, principals, secretaries, and custodians have been hard at work preparing for the new year, and parents have been helping their children to adjust to the end of a summer filled with late nights, water balloons, sports, family reunions, campfires, and cartoons.

And I feel like I missed my bus. Like the world is going to go on without me, that I'm left at the end of the driveway by myself.

You know, like I pulled all my things together, organized my backpack, packed my lunch, put on the nice, new clothes, armed myself with my diplomas, and walked out the door just a moment too late.

But that's not completely true.

Yes, I'm armed with diplomas and teaching experience. I have my credentials, good references, an impressive resume, and an organized, ambitious spirit. I'm passionate about teaching students to explore the world of music, and I aim for excellence.

I am not moments too late.

I showed up, early, pressed and dressed. I had three promising interviews for positions that I was more than qualified to fill. And each time, found out that the position was given to someone else, that I wasn't the perfect fit they were looking for, that I would still be stuck here in my workout clothes trying to find a way to help our family make ends meet. Knowing full well that jobs are scarce in this area, yet clinging to the not-ideal, full-time position with benefits that allows hubby to draw a steady income so that we can pay our exorbitant rent and medical bills.

It's probably best that I didn't get any of those positions - each was at least a 45 minute drive from where we live. It's probably best that I'm not driving that far with a very pregnant belly in a vehicle that's a little too big for my 5'1" frame.

It just hurts. I know I could do each of those jobs very well, that students would like me and thrive, that administrators would approve, that communities would be influenced, and that excellence would take place. I know it would mean long hours, lots of driving, and lots of patience. I know it means a messier home and more things left undone here.

Did I take a wrong turn? Was that flash of light illuminating a path I thought I saw, or did I really see it? Why am I still left here, unemployed? Why is it so dark? How in the world am I going to get in two years of "mentored teaching experience" before my certificate extension expires (requiring me to take the certification exams again - a $300+ endeavor)?

Am I really supposed to be here? Still waiting?

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You, Lord.

-------------
Who can know
the mind of our Creator?
Who can speak
of wonders yet unseen?
And who can reach
the heights of understanding
and play the notes of wisdom's melody?

Who has weighed
the dust of every mountain
And who has walked
the mysteries of the deep?
Who has laid the earth on its foundation
and who conducts the waves upon the sea?

I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
So glorious and true
I stand in awe, I stand in awe
----------------------Martyn Layzell, "I Stand in Awe"

the dangers of shopping

my wedding band, perched on the white hyacinth in my garden:

not only is there the much greater possibility of car damage, higher stress, waiting in lines, and overwhelming selections, there's the exponentially increased chance that you'll spend more than you intended.

take today, for instance - I went happily to the mall with a friend, planning to spend no more than $10. things were fine, with purchases totaling only $8. then we decided that our shopping trip would not be complete without a trip to t.j. maxx. this is possibly one of my favorite discount stores. two dresses, a pair of stockings, a scarf, and two cute card-holders later, my bill-for-the-day was a whopping $50. mind you, i love the dresses. the scarf is fabulous. the card holders are super cute and they clean up the interior of my purse. however, this is five times what i meant to spend.

bring on the Mary Kay tea party following the shopping excursion. it just feels wrong to attend a party like this and not buy something, especially if the hostess is a good friend. i was conservative though, only spending $10. only. ha. however, this means i've spent $60 in a day. not a good thing, considering i'm still technically unemployed. ouch. the damage is done.

purple dress, gray dress, scarf, tights, card holders:

regardless, I did have fun. I enjoyed being with my friends - and we haven't been able to get together for quite some time. i now own two fabulous, versatile dresses that can work in literally any season and almost any occasion, from teaching to weddings to nights out. I will soon have a lovely MK lip gloss to complete these new looks.

shopping is dangerous...i'm planning to take a hard look at the budget, muster some self control, and figure out how to make this work.

feeling grateful

and overwhelmed. and humbled.

we received a box of Angel Food this past week - it's a ministry that provides low cost food to families that need it. It's only $30 for a box of food that's intended to feed a family of four for a week!
i wasn't anticipating how much food that would be...when i brought it home, it was actually a struggle to fit it all in the freezer and fridge! wow.

it's humbling to be on unemployment, to need other people's help, and to accept charity. But it's really a good thing for us to be in a place where we have to rely on other people. it makes us less proud - or i hope that's what it's doing for me!

still hoping for a job so that we can be self-sufficient. so that we can pay our bills without worry. so that we can be the ones helping others. maybe soon?

taking a few little steps

i started my job at our church on Tuesday afternoon. i was immediately inundated with a (rather loud) tutorial for one of the programs, graciously given by the youth director (who took an hour of his time to help me). the hours since were a flurry of new passwords, learning how to use both a planning website and a powerpoint-like presentation program for creating song slide shows. part of my challenge was to transfer over the main name on the accounts to my name, as i am now the administrator for them. this took some round-about work, but it's all worked out now. one headache, six hours, and many emails and tutorials later. did i tell you? it's a worship and music coordinator position. 10 hours/week, paid (pretty well, actually). i'm really happy to be serving in this way, and to be administrating music. it seems like the skills i learned in realty are paying off a bit, which is gratifying. it's so nice to also be able to use my music knowledge!

i have also been hired to accompany for some concerts at an area elementary school, and i am officially on the active sub list for the district. i have one piano/clarinet student, and i may get some more students in a bit. i've put out my business cards and contacted the music teachers at the area schools - who knows? maybe i'll have a full studio by the end of the year.

Oscar, my kitten, is growing like crazy. When we first got him, his collar was about two inches too big, even on the smallest hole. Now he's wearing it on the smallest hole....cute.

it has been a difficult beginning to the school year - my husband is so very busy, and we hardly ever see each other. it's heartbreaking. i really never thought he would have to work and do school at the same time, and it's really draining for him. my job alone isn't enough to cover our expenses, and neither is his job. i know that God will get us through, and i'm trying to trust.