opening my heart's door

It's a really hard thing for me to share my real self with people. I'm cute, serious, silly, underestimated, talented, knowledgeable, surprising. Efficient, firm, kind, friendly, dependable, diligent. That's what people see.

My conducting mentor often reminds his ensemble that to sing well, to communicate well, we have to use both our minds and our hearts. The voice is optimally placed in-between. It makes a good metaphor. We'll come back to this.

I've always been a color-in-the-lines, follow-the-rules sort of girl. If there's a good reason for something, if there's a way to achieve beauty, a fast and efficient method for work, I'll be doing it that way. If I can do something well, I sometimes do not feel motivated to do that something better.

But aren't you a perfectionist, Linnea? Yes, sometimes. No, not always. I have trouble doing what recipes say, because I know that changing the outcome is often okay, even better. I hesitate to buy the Gap skirt/sweater/accessory because I think I can make one. It's okay with me that the vacuum lines on the carpet don't line up, and that there are dishes in the sink.

It really scares me when things are not in control. Things like how I've inadvertently gained 5 pounds over the last four months on this new bc pill. Things like my husband's new job situation and the ways we're having to compromise to allow me to still go to school. Things like family holiday plans and trying to balance both sides of our family. Things like allowing singers to really sing without me dictating every note. Allowing my house to be messy when I truly can't fix it. Stepping back from a volunteer position at church. Saying "I don't know" and feeling okay with it. Being honest with my conducting mentor and checking myself into counseling so that I can deal with these issues. Asking for help.

I've realized lately that I can't do these things on my own. Surprise, former perfectionist: you are not able to actually be perfect. Excellent, yes. Joyful, yes. But those abilities are enabled by the grace of God. You have many talents. You have a loving family. You are doing well at school. All you have to be is you. Surprised? And who you are is good enough.

Good enough. Even excellent. Maybe someday, great. Not famous, not necessarily. Not the best. But if what I'm working on - opening up my heart and being the real me - brings glory to God, I am doing well.

I am trying to let go. Feeling the rope burn in my hand from holding onto the kite string in a turbulent storm, trying to believe that things won't fall apart if I am not the one in control. Realizing that I have never been in control, but that God always has been and always will be. Trying to remember that I have to use my voice, and that it should be a true representation of what's going on in me - heart and head. That my emotions are not trivial things to be buried, but human expressions that allow me to better communicate and to enable art in music, relationships, life. If I let people see that I'm broken, I take a big risk, but I let them know that I am real, accessible, genuine. That I care deeply.

Praying that I will be able to gracefully share my heart, using my head knowledge and my hands as the vehicle. May what I conduct, what I suggest, shape, show in choral sound - may that be a reflection of God's work in me, and enable others to express the beauty, pain, joy, sorrow that is the human experience. May His grace be apparent in how I live, think, speak, move. May He guard and guide my heart, and keep my mind in perfect peace.

not Vera

There are some cute things at Vera Bradley, especially the Dockside Canvas collection and the Cabin collection. It's rare that I like her signature style floral patterns - they're just too busy for me! If I had to choose a pattern, it would probably be the simple "twirly birds" print in navy and white or pink and white. I have one Vera ID case in "pinwheel pink" that I got at a swap meet, and I do love the colors in it. It's also very well made, and I appreciate all the thoughtful finishing details.

Inspired by that ID case, I decided to use some of my scrap fabric from this project to make my own! I didn't have any vinyl on hand for the see-through ID window, but I'm pretty pleased, regardless.
I cut a 6" by 4" piece of fabric to use for the main body of the little purse, and cut another piece of the same size to make interior pockets. I stitched all around the outside piece to keep it from fraying and added grosgrain ribbon to the outside. For the inside piece, I hemmed each of the short ends and added more ribbon trim. I then centered the pocket piece on the main body piece, right sides together, and stitched. I created a loop for the side with a 1" wide strip of fabric, folding and ironing each of the long sides in to the middle, and then folding in half to create a strong strap. I tacked it to the purse, and then I had to put it away until a zipper could be found.

I found an appropriately colored vintage metal zipper in my mom's stash, and cut it down to size (I don't recommend doing this with a metal zipper! So inconvenient). A few stitches later, and my project was finished!

There's space inside for a credit card in each side pocket, and my cell phone fits nicely in the middle.


Ta-da! That's my Vera look-alike.

I'll be doing a few things differently next time, though! As I looked at the original ID pouch, I realized that it's made of a lighter cotton fabric, not heavy decorator fabric like mine. The zipper (which has plastic teeth and a bigger pull tab) is not sewn in so close to the teeth as mine is, making it unnecessary to tack down the zipper fabric like I had to do in mine. The end of the zipper itself is finished with fabric binding made from matching fabric, and then sewn in. This keeps the zipper from unzipping too far (I had to stitch over my zipper teeth by hand to keep it from slipping too far). I should have measured the dimensions of the purse from the inside, since I just noticed that the whole inner seam is finished again with matching fabric binding. Corners are rounded, not square like mine. The vinyl adds a lot of stiffness, which I like. I'm not sure if I'll invest in any, but I do like it.I'm also a fan of the larger key ring and smaller loop.

Bottom line? I really appreciate the craftsmanship and would certainly pay the $8-$12 for another one... if I loved the fabrics! What if Vera Bradley collaborated with Cath Kidston? I would be so smitten!

more sewing adventures

I popped into JoAnn's the other day to get thread, ribbon and rivets to finish up the apron that I was working on. However, the sales are always right near the entrance, so I also picked up a package of cupcake liners and a 8x10 canvas for my next painting.

Along the way, I also saw a nautical navy-and-white print fabric that I just couldn't resist, so I picked up the whole bolt of fabric and carried it with me around the store. Crazy, I know. Especially at $9/yard. I don't usually purchase such "expensive" fabric. And then I found a travel size pillow. Voila - inspiration. Now I have a really cute accent pillow on my bed!