finding me

In being a mom, it's sometimes easy to throw all of me into my child and his needs and to forget my own. Including eating, sleeping, time alone, devotions, and the creative outlets I enjoy. I'm trying to fit in one (or more) extra me-time things in each day, and it has been a bit better.

In the middle of July, I realized that I hadn't used my camera to take pictures of flowers since the birth of my son. I love taking detailed pictures of flowers and little bees and bugs - the details no one sees. I enjoy that! But I had forgotten.

So, I took the camera outside for a few moments and snapped a few pictures, not realizing that the lens had fogged up with the change from air conditioning to humidity, and these pictures were the result. I had to adjust brightness, contrast, and color to make them look less...foggy...but I think they turned out okay, especially for not having done this kind of picturing in a while.

lately

Lately, my days have been settling into a semblance of normal. We have a bit of a rhythm going, and it's like this:

Wake to a delightful little one's smiles promptly at 6:45. Or 6. Or 5. Or 8am, on that blessed day called Monday (thank you, Lord).

Change the little guy into daytime clothes and plunk him in the pack and play while I feed the cat, empty the dehumidifier, and make breakfast and Brad's lunch.

After we eat breakfast, Brad heads off to work, and Joshie has a nap while I have a shower. At least, the shower part is a goal! The nap is usually only about 30-45 minutes long. Sometimes Joshua refuses to sleep and we just wait it out until nap #2, at about 11 or 11:30.

Morning play time sometimes means we head outside, or that I put Josh in the Ergo carrier on my back while I throw a load of laundry in. Sometimes it means all I can handle is turning on something classical on Youtube while the baby plays with blocks on the floor and pulls the cat's tail. And fur. And whiskers. And ears. Oscar is such a tolerant, lovey cat.

The midday nap is often the "long" nap. Long for this baby means about 1.5 hours, usually interrupted halfway through. He likes to know I'm still there...I think! The long nap means I get to rest, myself, and enjoy some quiet lunch time.

Afternoons consist of more play time for Joshua, which means I'm often holding his little hands to help him walk, carrying him all over (hefty 20lb load, mind you), and keeping him from crawling over to electrical cords and teething on Daddy's shoes. Sometimes I'm able to fit in some crunches on the floor while he's playing, or I can pay a couple bills online, or write part of an email. Sometimes I'm able to snap some pictures of him and continue to slowly learn about shooting in manual mode.

Sometimes the baby will nap at about 4, especially if the midday nap was short. This is also a short nap, since he goes to bed at 6:45 or 7. Having him asleep by 7:30 is the hard-and-fast bedtime, but he's often tired enough to be asleep by 6:45.

Then, I blog. If I have the energy. And sometimes, a blog post (like this one) takes days to complete.

But I need to do this. I need to have time where I do something normal and fulfilling for me. More than just taking a shower, but taking time to be creative, to decorate, to write, to think, to read. Introverted, expressive, thought-filled me needs this.

Whew.

And then I catch what sleep I can during the wakeful night. And count my many blessings. This, my friends, is my "schedule."

personality, much?

This big cheese is already eight months old.

Sitting well.

Pulling up to stand.

Walking with help.

Cruising.

Making his pleasure or displeasure known. Loudly.

Scooting on his belly - so fast!

Has two teeth on the bottom.

 Says "kitty," "hi," and "dada." 

Loves peas, pears, nectarines, and sweet potatoes. Oatmeal, not so much.

Has sooo much personality.

Enjoys bath time and splashing in the pool.

Hates nap time and bed time. 

Loves meeting new people and smiling as we walk around town.


What a blessing you are, Joshua! I'm so thankful to be your mommy. 

little things: busy edition

bah. We've been so busy lately, and I really don't like it. All good things, but so busy.

Brad has had frisbee and hockey games on the same night. Small group is another evening. This weekend we have concerts on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Our weekends have been full of house repairs and remodels.

We've traveled soooo much.

I'm tired.

It's just hard to stay positive when I feel so drained, when babysitters aren't available, when I might have to back out of a commitment. It's hard to share a car, pinch pennies and decide what we don't need until pay day, and to wait. I'm trying to still my heart and listen for what God might want to teach me through this, for how he might strengthen me to face what it is that I must do. And for wisdom to do it well.

But, we have everything we need. Food, warmth, love, shelter. Family, friends, comfort, safety. A working car. Some money in the bank. Each other.

God is good, even in the middle of my stress. "Oh, for grace to trust Him more."

So, here are some little things.

1. Brad took us to the Rochester, NY Lilac Festival for part of my Mother's Day gift.

2. He also bought me a gorgeous orchid.
3. Our new house is slowly decluttering as I put boxes in the attic and unpack. I'm working on it slowly as the baby naps and I have the energy to unpack. I'm trying to be okay with the corners of chaos. I am thankful for our many possessions, though they are many.
4. I love the sunshine that streams in our windows!
5. My baby boy is almost able to sit up on his own, and is such a happy guy most of the time.
6. We will see both my parents and Brad's parents this weekend.
7. We have the opportunity to sing classical music together in a choir again, and it's so fun.
8. I got an encouraging email from a former choir student who is now studying music at a local university.
9. The previous owner of our house planted some perennials I love: bleeding heart flowers and hydrangeas, to name a couple!
10. It's nice enough to let laundry dry outside. Oh! And my laundry machines are in my very own basement. Hooray!

Well, I feel better now. What are you thankful for?

struggles

I've always been one that thrives on approval, who likes a bit of a pat on the back for what I've accomplished. This is one reason that I always did so well in school; the straight-As spelled out on report cards felt so real, permanent, definitive.

Adult life isn't like that, though. No one grades your performance, regardless of how "watched" or "compared" you might feel.

And that's still hard for me to let go of.

Social networking sites could be blamed for furthering this comparison of "success" - where is she working? What has she done so far today? How did he manage to get his doctorate before I've even finished my master's degree? Why are they able to buy a house, and we're still renting an almost-good apartment? How does she manage to get all the laundry done and the whole house cleaned in one morning while she's 8 months pregnant and chasing three kids? Why? Do I measure up?

Sometimes all these success stories - innocuous in themselves, of course, and things that perhaps should be celebrated - make me feel so small. I'm happy for them, yes, but what's wrong with me? Why am I not as far along in life, so to speak, as they are? Wasn't I always at the top of my class? Then, it's easy to sink into depression for a bit. I think about the should-have, could-have, might-have-been-able-to, and I keep on feeling like I've failed, somehow. Like if my baby boy doesn't have a perfectly decorated nursery, he's going to be at a disadvantage. If I can't make good-enough Christmas gifts, we're going to look stingy, and worse, poor (but we do have so little). Like if we don't own the place we live, it can't still be the best use of our money right now. Like I should have a full-time job (what's wrong with me?), a second car, and the money to spare to be able to give to charities in the area and around the world. Like it shouldn't feel like such a terrible sacrifice to tithe. Like I should be able to go to the grocery store without planning in advance exactly what and how much I'm going to buy, because if I buy more, we'll overdraw the account.

And on a different note, I really miss making music so often. I miss having a piano in my house so that I can play a bit each day, so that hubby and I can share that together. I miss playing on the worship team; our church rarely needs us to play. We want to serve!

The pastor spoke yesterday about John the Baptist, a man that God used to prepare the way for Jesus' earthly ministry. John was a wild-looking guy, who lived and preached in the desert, an unlikely character for announcing the world's Messiah. Pastor went on to say that God will often use the ones who have little, because God's power is shown more clearly through them.

So if I don't have it all together, if we're just scraping by, but we can continue to praise God for our health, food, shelter, and each other, and of course, our salvation, what else do we need? Maybe God will use us, though we have almost nothing, to make a beautiful difference to someone else. Maybe I will be a blessing. Maybe my empty hands will be filled with something better than I thought I wanted. Maybe my hurting heart will be healed and strengthened beyond what I ever dreamed.

My hope is built on Jesus, not on what I can do, what I have, where I am in life, and how many pennies I hold. All that matters is that we continue to trust his plan for our lives, living in a way that helps others to see his work in us.

in an instant

Today, I'm enjoying instant cocoa, made with instant heat on my electric glass cooktop, instant communication through texting, bright pink cactus blossoms, streaming sunshine and blue skies in this western New York January, light at the flip of a switch, status updates on Facebook and instant encouraging words in email. So much can change with the instant...

a smile
a twinkle
a spark
a clap of thunder
a breath, a cry, a life
a flickering flame, light
a smoldering wick to remind
what happened in an instant

What am I thankful for today? For the many normal moments piled up on each other that make up life (including the drudgery of dishes, the beauty of lightly floating falling snow, the taste of tea and cookies, the voice of my mother on the phone, the warmth of my hooded sweater), for communication, for no screeching-halt turn-around crisis moments in this day, for moments of clarity and perspective in this (short, wispy, momentary) life. Thankful for the normal, for this very instant, and for the many instants we take for granted.

But mostly, I'm thankful for the moments that God stepped into time, bore the constraints of a human life, died a painful death, and rose to new life, making it possible for me to enjoy life for every moment in His presence.

Thankful.

oops!

I have a Tuesday evening class each week, and I usually leave my house in time to be there a few minutes early. However, my hubby had just come home from Frisbee practice, and I was running late as I put his dinner on a plate and rushed out the door. I turned the key in the car, looked down at my feet and realized...

I still have my slippers on.

So I went to class in professional clothing and slippers. Awesome.

seriously?

not. okay.

I took the Music Theory exam for the second time around on Saturday morning. Like I said in this post, I knew that there were things that I didn't do well, but I thought it was okay enough to pass. I evidently passed one of the three sections - only the 20th century Theory. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that I would now have to take a review course (read: extra cost) to make up the "deficiency" in my knowledge. It also wouldn't be so bad if the professor hadn't written this: "I regret to inform you that you did not pass the chromatic harmony portion and the form and analysis section of the placement exam although you showed some improvement and manage to pass the twentieth century techniques section."

Manage to pass? 1. She is Asian, but seriously, she should know how to use the language as a teacher in an American college. 2. And to imply that it was surprising that I would pass? 3. And to merely concede that I showed some improvement? It made me want to cry.

Not that I didn't have enough on my plate already, or anything.

What is it that God wants me to do? He is the only one I need to please. I'm struggling to hear, to see the direction I should take, and to have the hope I need to get me through this.

hello, December!

It's hard to believe that we're already halfway through December...my fancy music-themed advent calendar says so:
Whew.

Things were frustrating when we first got here, and my perception of the rest of my life was colored by that. I don't think I began to have a positive attitude about this semester until about halfway through October. Shameful - I wish I hadn't reacted like that. Do you ever wish you could go back and just change?

I have had a good semester, full of great opportunities that I might not have encountered. My husband did finally find a job, though it's 450 miles a week and really demanding hours. We do get to see each other on weekends. I've lost a lot of sleep - he's endured a lot of boredom. I feel like we've skipped over these past four months, like they didn't really happen.

But, oh, does the bank account say otherwise. We are barely hanging on, and I know that it's only God's provision that's allowing us to stay in the black. We have some huge bills looming over our heads, but we still can't pay them. The commute that my husband has is just eating through what he earns. It's so frustrating.

When we do get to see each other, we're both tired and stressed. He needs time to recharge all by himself, and I've been lonely for him all week. Does being a married adult have to look like this?

We did have a wonderful date night just last week. We pulled out some gift cards for the Cheesecake Factory - delicious. It was a brief escape for us, and that was amazing. We walked around the mall and held hands like we were dating. I loved that! We were both so happy and relaxed. I wish sometimes that life had fewer sad, frustrating valleys and more of those happy peaks. I love my husband so very much, and I wish I had more energy to give to him when he comes home so late at night.

Things have slowed down for me as the semester is coming to a close. I have only had to give a few presentations after handing in my papers, and I have one exam on Friday. Not bad! I didn't even have to sing a jury, for which I am so grateful.
I have had time to (gasp!) make cookies and decorate them...

...set up and decorate our tree,

...I've had friends over for dinner, I've finished knitting the Christmas gifts I hoped to make. My presents are wrapped, cookies are in the freezer (don't tell my hubby, or there won't be any left!), and I've actually vacuumed my house. There aren't any dishes in the sink (well, except for tonight's one small pot from dinner), I'm actually going to do a craft tonight, and I've sent Christmas cards. I even shoveled part of the driveway, spent time playing with my cats, and played piano for fun.

God is still good, even in the middle of our frustration. We're going to make it!

sunday minus the sun

it was a long day for me - up early to do both services at church, and not only to be there, but to actually plan and participate in all the music for both services (which are completely different musical formats). herculean, if i do say so myself. things went pretty well...

lunch was less than spectacular, though my husband may beg to differ. i made omelettes that definitely were not photo-worthy, but tasted okay. i wish that i had taken the time to make a real Sunday dinner for him like i did all of last year. it was just too much to fit in today.

quarterly church meeting was tonight, and i was waaaay tired. had a tough time concentrating, and some disturbing acid reflux to complete the discomfort of being there. it's emotional to be there right now, knowing that we'll be leaving soon for a new town/school/church/home. transition isn't my favorite.

on positive notes, many people enjoyed the music this morning. i had specific compliments on my piano playing, which was extra nice. i got to burn my lilac-scented candle today - a spring-only sort of thing. my flowers outside look lovely. i got to wear a cute skirt this morning and enjoyed my preppy pink raincoat and argyle print umbrella. my husband loves and supports me. and I get to go to sleep now, knowing that tomorrow is a full day in which i will earn money at four different jobs, see a dress rehearsal for a friend's recital, and finally see my husband at 7:30pm.

my entertaining valentine

(another until-now-unpublished post. more happy reading to you!)

happy.

my husband and i celebrated Valentine's Day last weekend...meaning, a week early, by going out to a fabulous Italian restaurant. very yummy. and so this past weekend, we weren't going to go out. (and we didn't.) that saturday morning, the girls and i made valentine's day cards for each other and for our significant others... my husband's card is very sweet, if i do say so myself.

wednesday, i bought myself raspberries, because we agreed that we wouldn't do big presents...and raspberries are comparatively little. and so good.

on friday, my dear husband stopped by at my office with a hershey's chocolate bar, tied with ribbon and the note "to: wife. from: husband." so very sweet! and more than i expected.

then when he picked me up he gave me a container of feta cheese. it was supposed to be a joke, but i fell for it hook, line, and sinker. i thought it was another v-day gift. i had a headache, so i wasn't thinking straight. and there was no way i was going to offend him, especially not now! so i said "thanks! this is so thoughtful - you know i would never buy this for myself and how much i like it." lol. go figure, right?

when we arrived home, he went out to get the mail and came back with white tulips for me! whoa!

on the actual big day, my friends and i had a "single" girls' party...we made pizza, and then they all went out to a couple of chick flicks. my hubby said i could go if i wanted, but the movies weren't really my thing. so i came home...

and we watched a really hilarious movie together, enjoyed some sweets, and had a lovely evening together. being with the girls makes me so much more thankful for my husband. i feel like the luckiest woman alive.

and i am so blessed.

love!

accident

no one ever means for it to happen.
it's terrifying, traumatizing, and just all around bad.
but it made me more thankful.
for the living to tell about it part, I am incredibly thankful.

so, last week, my husband got rear-ended when he was driving my cute little black Nissan. minor, just needed to be taken to a repair shop to get an estimate. insurance will cover it. no big deal.

on friday, as in the 30th of january, my husband came down to my office to pick up my car and take it to the dealership to get an estimate. he was driving our new red chevy (2001 cavalier), and left it in the parking lot for me while he took my car to get the estimate.

here's the red car.

about 15 minutes later, he called, lost, needing help to find the dealership. he had just gone too far, and needed to turn around. (which he did while talking to me on the phone...) as he was pulling his u-turn on a relatively quiet country road, he just didn't look to see the semi coming down the road, and pulled out - an absolutely terrifying experience of glass breaking, metal crunching, and then silence on my end.

i was shocked, and so grateful to hear his voice when he called back 5 minutes later to tell me that he was okay, he had been hit, the car was wrecked, and he had called 911. he was sobbing - way more than disconcerting!

this is the damage.

i hopped in the car with my manager, and she drove me all the way to where he was. on the way, i called my pastor (who started praying immediately and put us on the prayer chain), my parents, and the other branch of the office where i worked to let them know what was going on.

when i got there, he seemed okay. i am so grateful for his life.

so grateful. i can't even explain how thankful i am for him. (tears - just a second - i'll be back.)

i'm back. i shall upload car photos now so you can see the damage...

and evidently it is fixable. we shall see. at this point, i'm thankful for insurance.

there are so many reasons for me to live a grateful life, and this is hopefully the only attention-arresting moment we'll ever have to endure. it has been a tough two months - with my husband's Saturn dying, having to buy another car, getting rear-ended, and now this. we're not sure how we'll make it, but we know that God will provide for all our needs. he has kept us safe, and we are incredibly thankful to Him - for life, for each other, for safety, and for our family and friends.

unbelievable

yesterday was sunday, and church, of course. we were supposed to get our "new" car, but evidently something is wrong with the battery. we're glad the guy is fixing it, but it really stinks for my husband to not have a car. we've worked out rides and who has the car for the next few days... it'll work for a little while longer. we didn't realize how blessed we were to have two cars at all!

work has been... more drudgery than simply work. i know the Lord establishes the work of our hands. i'm really struggling to be grateful. i know i'm here to do his work in this time, and not just the secretary stuff. i'm supposed to be an outspoken servant of His. what an assignment.

on a positive note, it has been a beautiful day. i love when, in the winter, the sun comes up clear and golden, and hits everything with a perfect warmth that takes the chill out of the snowy landscape. there's a hill of open pasture land near our house that is dotted with round, snow covered bales of hay. when the sun is out, they cast small, dark, semi-circle shadows beside them, as if they've been gently nestled into the field. with the sparkling cold snow, bright icy blue sky, the golden bales waiting for spring, and the almost blindingly bright sun, it looks like something wonderful is about to happen - something special. occasionally, there's a deer with his furry winter coat burying his muzzle in the snow. his graceful form, alert brown eyes, fuzzy ears, and white tail just belong - this all belongs together. it was created to be this way. there could be no accident.


and i feel so much more peaceful. just breathing in the sharp, cold air and seeing such beauty is enough to stop me from my worrying, to make me slow down, and to really remember what a blessing it is to be here, now, for a reason.

Saturday evening we had another girls' night in - and just as I arrived, the sky was clear and full of stars. what more could i ask for to remind me that He's always there, that i'm complete, loved, and that my life has meaning? i have not been forgotten. there is a plan.

here's a hat i made this weekend for a coworker of mine. it's a basic hat pattern, but i added three big cabled sections to it for variety (*k8, p4, k8 [cabled section], repeat three times from *). it's made with a worsted weight Lion brand (washable!) wool, and a Red Heart "Symphony" acrylic/polyester blend held together. It's very thick and warm - perfect for the frigid temperatures we're experiencing at the moment. and what better timing than right before the snowstorm we're supposed to get tomorrow?
and for good measure, here's the completed gray/pink/sparkly pink legwarmer i finished:

yes, i did actually take a picture of it with the stitches going the wrong direction... oops. i suppose i could flip the picture so it's correct, but what fun would that be?


counting my blessings.

i am so in love with my husband. i have so much more than i need. my mom sent me a package today! at work! :o) a lovely diversion. and i'm re-learning my Music Theory. deep breath. my life is in His hands.