in between times

This is one of those times where we're "in between." Between jobs, between school years, between decisions. It's hard to know right now what choice is right, what job will actually be ours, what to study, what to leave for another day.

The truth is that this is a mere speck on the cosmic horizon, and that God has this life in control. Regardless of how powerless, drained, stressed, angry, frustrated, and tearful I become, I know it's not my job to figure it out, but to be patient and to wait on His plan.

Knowledge is one thing. Actually acting on that knowledge is quite another story. Right now, we're waiting to hear whether or not my husband will have an interview for a job in his field, a job that would carry health insurance coverage for both of us, a job that would pay next month's rent, a job that would put food on next month's table, a job that, undoubtedly, 20 or more other candidates are hoping to get. Right now, I've applied for unemployment (which I may not get, since I'm a student now) and medicaid. We've paid half of this semester's tuition, because paying all of it means we have nothing left. In all of these actions, we're still waiting, still trying, still trusting. This still makes my stomach upset and my face break out - is it really trust if I feel so pressured? So weak and angry? So humiliated that our advanced college degrees still leave us seeking employment at the post office and fast food restaurants?

A current song says that these in between times are "just the dawn before the morning" and "the pain before the healing." It's so hard to be in the valley and not be able to see the way out - to be so broken in so many ways and to not be able to pull an A+ to get out. Morning is coming. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps I will not cry....tomorrow.

sunday minus the sun

it was a long day for me - up early to do both services at church, and not only to be there, but to actually plan and participate in all the music for both services (which are completely different musical formats). herculean, if i do say so myself. things went pretty well...

lunch was less than spectacular, though my husband may beg to differ. i made omelettes that definitely were not photo-worthy, but tasted okay. i wish that i had taken the time to make a real Sunday dinner for him like i did all of last year. it was just too much to fit in today.

quarterly church meeting was tonight, and i was waaaay tired. had a tough time concentrating, and some disturbing acid reflux to complete the discomfort of being there. it's emotional to be there right now, knowing that we'll be leaving soon for a new town/school/church/home. transition isn't my favorite.

on positive notes, many people enjoyed the music this morning. i had specific compliments on my piano playing, which was extra nice. i got to burn my lilac-scented candle today - a spring-only sort of thing. my flowers outside look lovely. i got to wear a cute skirt this morning and enjoyed my preppy pink raincoat and argyle print umbrella. my husband loves and supports me. and I get to go to sleep now, knowing that tomorrow is a full day in which i will earn money at four different jobs, see a dress rehearsal for a friend's recital, and finally see my husband at 7:30pm.

a new member of our household

Introducing: Oscar the Cat.

he's a five-pound ball of soft tabby fur, cuddly as can be, and hardly ever stops purring. my husband surprised me with him just a couple weeks ago! it has been fun to have "someone" at home with me while Brad is off at school and work all day.


it has been a long summer without having a job on the horizon. admittedly, i did have five good interviews, the most recent being last friday. however, none of them have turned out to be a job for me. it's disappointing, not to mention trying. i know many many people in our country have been jobless for much longer than me. i feel your pain. it's hard to admit that i'm on unemployment, that i'm going to try to get food stamps. it's hard to realize that this week, there's only $XXX in your bank account, and that rent is due next week. it's not enough.

nevertheless, i know that God will continue to provide for us. my husband has a part-time job in addition to his grad studies. that's pulling some in for us. i have a possibility of being the part-time worship music coordinator for our church, and that would be helpful, too.

we will see.

and on a completely different note, i made a glove. it's a fair first-attempt, i think. check it out! i used self-striping sock yarn...a fun choice, i think! the "trim" at the wrist is a k2tog, yo repetition.

shock, anger, fear, acceptance, peace?

it has been a week since i was told that i am leaving the company, and i feel like i've been through these stages. i have been angry at my managers, afraid of what the future might hold, and finally, accepting of the situation. somewhere in between, there were moments of intense sadness, frustration, and failure. there are still some moments that i feel like i've failed.

at the same time, i know that this chapter in my life is ending. it has been a really rough road, and i haven't really enjoyed being in this job. my hope is that my example has been one that brings glory to Jesus, and not to me. I hope that someone has been changed by my words, actions, or attitude. I hope that my time there has not been in vain. i know God placed me there for a reason, and that i was a light in a very dark place.
and somehow, there's a peace in my heart. there's still pain, but God has given me unexplainable peace. and i don't deserve it, but i'm so grateful.

all that said, my husband and i are still unemployed.

he does have a second interview tomorrow, which is great!
I had an interview for a teaching position in a school yesterday morning - a panel of 7 interviewers, seated at a big rectangular table, firing off questions round-robin. not my favorite interview style (as if one could choose a "comfortable" way to interview). it was all done in a mere 15 minutes - i'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing. I do look forward to hearing if i will be asked to come back. it was an hour's drive from my home to this school. we'll look into moving if i get the job.

i had a nice, long talk with one of my dearest friends last night. she's going through some really difficult decision-making times, and i so wish that i could be with her. at least i can listen from afar. and maybe meet up on a saturday to do some shopping. i miss her.

my irises beside my little apartment deck are blooming! it's so fun to see that - like my little bit of labor paid off. as if i could ever make a plant grow...
here's a picture: