someday

We're all waiting for it.

Someday.

Someday, I'll finish that degree. Someday, my child will sleep through the night. Someday, I'll have that job I've always wanted. Someday, we'll own the perfect house in the best part of town, near the grandparents, and close to our best friends. Someday, I'll be content with my body. Someday, we will go to the grocery store without worrying about whether or not we can have both yogurt and orange juice in the same week. Someday, I'll have a coordinating living room that's all my style. Someday, I'll have clothes that fit and are in style. Someday, we'll have time to go on weekly dates. Someday, we'll have enough. Someday. Someday. Someday.

How about contentment? How about being grateful for thisday? How about a heart full of thankfulness for the balmy weather, the clothes on my back, and the home that shelters my family? How about a joyful, peaceful spirit that rejoices in the blessings we've been given, and hands that give generously even when there is not much to give?

It's not just about contentment, though - it's about longing for what really satisfies our souls, for real peace, for true joy. It's about Jesus. And he said he's coming back for us Someday - to establish his heavenly kingdom, to spend eternity with those who have accepted his gift of forgiveness and eternal life. That's what all our hearts are looking for. He is the missing piece, the only way we can be truly satisfied, the only way we can have a truly fulfilling life. Knowing Him is the key to contentment. Without Jesus, everything else truly is meaningless, as ancient King Solomon discovered. With Jesus, we can take joy in the blessings we have here on earth. We can be truly thankful for what is given, and agree with Him that it is, in fact, enough, because He is enough.

still, here.

Last week was a whirlwind of rehearsals (3) and concerts (5) and long travel (3 destinations). It was a big deal that I actually made dinner and had something for my husband to take to work this week. It was a big deal that I ate at all!

This week has been one of catching up, of resting, of procrastinating, of re-starting exercise, of planning next semester (the last one of my Master's program), and of just being still. Toward the end of the semester, I find that it's increasingly difficult to be still, even over breakfast - before anything has even happened. The stress builds, exams and projects pile up, and I begin to feel less in control. My leg shakes, my hands aren't steady, acid reflux becomes a daily thing, and I lose weight without trying.

So I'm holding onto this: "Be still, and know that I am God.; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

Nothing that happens in the next few minutes, hours, or days will change the security I have in God or his power at work in my life. Everything will be alright. Many things will be blessed. But I must be diligent and strive for the best I can be in each thing - making time for rest, health, and people.

waiting in hope

Waiting in hope means waiting without seeing the result. Not yet. It means doing all the normal stuff, but being always ready for the Something Hoped For. It's longing for the day to come, but knowing that today is not yet that day. It means celebrating the glimpses of glory without relying on those light-filled experiences. It means trust, obedience, patience.

And contentment! 1 Timothy 6:6 says that "godliness with contentment is great gain." It's just a verse earlier that the writer says that godliness leads to blessing, but not necessarily financial blessing.

Right now, we're in a place where we have to watch each penny so that we have enough. There's just a little extra, and that's going in savings. We have school loans to pay, and it seems futile to pay rent x2. It's disappointing that grocery trips are $20 more expensive this year than last year - economy woes. It's hard to pay so much for gas.

But the money is not what matters - it's how we're living and loving and making time for each other. It's about the little moments of pure joy and blessing, about long hugs and sunshine through the window, gently falling snow, bluebirds, cuddly cats, and sharing music together. It's about remembering that God has blessed and is blessing us richly. That our character is being formed. That we're growing. And waiting in hope that one day, all will finally be as it should be. That all will be peace, light, joy, awe, wonder.

We wait, in Hope. He Himself is our peace.

We'll make it through this time, and we'll find that we are more refined, strengthened, made more closely into what we should be.

We wait in hope.

opening my heart's door

It's a really hard thing for me to share my real self with people. I'm cute, serious, silly, underestimated, talented, knowledgeable, surprising. Efficient, firm, kind, friendly, dependable, diligent. That's what people see.

My conducting mentor often reminds his ensemble that to sing well, to communicate well, we have to use both our minds and our hearts. The voice is optimally placed in-between. It makes a good metaphor. We'll come back to this.

I've always been a color-in-the-lines, follow-the-rules sort of girl. If there's a good reason for something, if there's a way to achieve beauty, a fast and efficient method for work, I'll be doing it that way. If I can do something well, I sometimes do not feel motivated to do that something better.

But aren't you a perfectionist, Linnea? Yes, sometimes. No, not always. I have trouble doing what recipes say, because I know that changing the outcome is often okay, even better. I hesitate to buy the Gap skirt/sweater/accessory because I think I can make one. It's okay with me that the vacuum lines on the carpet don't line up, and that there are dishes in the sink.

It really scares me when things are not in control. Things like how I've inadvertently gained 5 pounds over the last four months on this new bc pill. Things like my husband's new job situation and the ways we're having to compromise to allow me to still go to school. Things like family holiday plans and trying to balance both sides of our family. Things like allowing singers to really sing without me dictating every note. Allowing my house to be messy when I truly can't fix it. Stepping back from a volunteer position at church. Saying "I don't know" and feeling okay with it. Being honest with my conducting mentor and checking myself into counseling so that I can deal with these issues. Asking for help.

I've realized lately that I can't do these things on my own. Surprise, former perfectionist: you are not able to actually be perfect. Excellent, yes. Joyful, yes. But those abilities are enabled by the grace of God. You have many talents. You have a loving family. You are doing well at school. All you have to be is you. Surprised? And who you are is good enough.

Good enough. Even excellent. Maybe someday, great. Not famous, not necessarily. Not the best. But if what I'm working on - opening up my heart and being the real me - brings glory to God, I am doing well.

I am trying to let go. Feeling the rope burn in my hand from holding onto the kite string in a turbulent storm, trying to believe that things won't fall apart if I am not the one in control. Realizing that I have never been in control, but that God always has been and always will be. Trying to remember that I have to use my voice, and that it should be a true representation of what's going on in me - heart and head. That my emotions are not trivial things to be buried, but human expressions that allow me to better communicate and to enable art in music, relationships, life. If I let people see that I'm broken, I take a big risk, but I let them know that I am real, accessible, genuine. That I care deeply.

Praying that I will be able to gracefully share my heart, using my head knowledge and my hands as the vehicle. May what I conduct, what I suggest, shape, show in choral sound - may that be a reflection of God's work in me, and enable others to express the beauty, pain, joy, sorrow that is the human experience. May His grace be apparent in how I live, think, speak, move. May He guard and guide my heart, and keep my mind in perfect peace.

hymn: final draft.

Here it is: my final draft of the hymn I've been writing for my History of Church Music class. I made some subtle changes to verses 1 and 4, a little change to verse 3, and some major changes to verse 2. Take a look at my second draft and first draft, if you'd like!

When We Have No Sufficient Answer

When we have no sufficient answer,
Father, we come on bended knee.
When acts of hatred, violence, terror,
Threaten to break our unity,
In faith, to You, we lift our gaze.
King of Peace, You hold all our days.

When darkness comes, our minds oppressing,
Spirit of Wisdom, we cry out.
We fall before you, mouths confessing,
We need your help, remove our doubt.
Come with your fire; on us alight.
Burn in our hearts; make darkness bright.

When in our grief we cry in sadness,
Jesus, you promise perfect peace.
You will restore our hearts to gladness
O Living One, our chains release!
Comfort our souls, wipe tears away,
As in the promised heav’nly Day.

When we are faced with fear and sorrow,
We reaffirm the Trinity.
Strength for each day, hope for tomorrow!
Unchanging Lord, Divinity.
Yours is the victory, battles won.
Praise to You, Father, Spirit, Son.

synthesis

Most teachers will tell you that one of the marks of real learning is that the learner is able to integrate information gained in one context in another context: this is synthesis. Drawing connections between concepts is an important developmental step. Without it, we wouldn't tell stories, write convincing speeches, or be able to do all the steps necessary to drive a car. Some connections are easier to make than others, and some take a significant amount of time to discover, and then to motivate to implementation. We can relate these connections to the actual synapses, or pathways, formed between neurons the brain when new concepts are learned. Cool!

All this to say: I am so thankful for the coursework here at the grad school I'm attending. I've had the opportunity to study music from a Christian perspective over the course of two semesters, and now I'm studying the history of church music. I am having the greatest time! In my Choral Literature Seminar, we're studying Mass from its beginnings to present day use, and I've been researching Josquin des Prez, a 15th c. composer. I am finding so many connections between my church music history class and this one, and it's delightful.

Back to my studies. Presentation on Friday morning!

and today, I am a poet

I am taking a really interesting class about music of the early Christian church, and I love it! One of our assignments is to either 1. write new music for an existing hymn texts or 2. to take an existing hymn tune and write new poetry. I chose the second option, and I want to share my first draft with you. For those of you that want to see/sing/play the tune it goes with, here are the links to both my text and the music. Musicians, please ignore the not-perfect Finale document. First draft, my friends, first draft.

Here's the text I've written so far. My teacher assigned some edits for me to make - let me know what you think so far!

When We Have No Sufficient Answer

When we have no sufficient answer,
Father, we come, on bended knee.
When acts of violence, terror, hatred
Threaten to break our unity,
We will still praise your holy Name!
We will place all our trust in You.

When we are facing persecution,
Spirit, You are the strength we need.
When we are tempted, struck, abandoned,
and face the evil Enemy,
We will repeat your promises:
Ours is the final victory.

When we are crying for dear loved ones,
Jesus, You promise peace to us.
Comfort our hearts through every trial,
Fill us with hope; in You we trust.
We will still praise your holy Name!
We will place all our trust in You.

When in this world, we face affliction,
We reaffirm the Trinity.
God, in three Persons, holy Mystery,
You have heard all our desperate pleas.
We will repeat your promises:
Yours is the final victory.


2011 Linnea L. Burr

a bump in the road

At the risk of being vague, my husband and I are unexpectedly receiving some of the raindrops that God uses to carry life's blessings. I have shed very few tears over this turn of events, and we're both trusting that there must be something wonderful around the corner. Nevertheless, it hurts. It's difficult to focus on schoolwork, to see our friends able to do things that we simply can't. It's frustrating to know that what we thought was secure is not.

But we have each other, and a God whose eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen from what has been made. He does not change like shifting shadows, and he is from everlasting to everlasting. My life circumstances are confusing, troublesome, and unfair from any human perspective, but God is in control of the outcome. He will have the glory, and he will work in and through me to achieve his work. May I be a humble, willing, worthy vessel through both the times of joy and this time of pain.

God gives power to the faint

And strengthens the powerless.

Even youths will faint and be weary, and the young will fall, exhausted.

But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.
They shall mount up on wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the heavens and the earth, who does not faint or grow weary, whose understanding is unsearchable.


-- Isaiah 40

I feel so weary today. Praying that the Lord might lift me up.

a hymn for unemployment

For any circumstance, really! This hymn by Frances Ridley Havergal (1836-1879) is set to a familiar tune by Samuel Wesley (1810-1876) - "The Church's One Foundation."

Another Year is Dawning

Another year is dawning: Dear Father let it be,
In working or in waiting, Another year with thee;
Another year of progress, Another year of praise,
Another year of proving Thy presence all the days;

Another year of mercies, Of faithfulness and grace;
Another year of gladness In the shining of thy face;
Another year of leaning Upon thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting, Of quiet, happy rest;

Another year of service, Of witness for thy love;
Another year of training For holier work above.
Another year is dawning: Dear Father, let it be,
On earth or else in heaven, Another year for thee.

real-life miracle.

"Everyone needs compassion,
A love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.
Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Savior,
The Hope of Nations."
"Mighty to Save" by Ben Fielding and Reuben Morgan

Sometimes - no, all the time - I don't like to admit that I'm the one who needs compassion, mercy, a hand up, someone's help, relief, a miracle. I like to think that I'm okay, that I am the one who can bless others, that somehow God will let me rely on my own skills instead of on Him and on the friends He's given me.

When people think of miracles, they think of healing, or water to wine, or other impossible things like that. They think of premature babies thriving, babies being born at all, and older people living longer. "Miracle" is applied to advancements in science, to pleasant coincidences, to happy thrift-store finds and open parking spaces.

But a miracle is a supernatural act of God. Sometimes God works through people, like the incredibly generous, tender-hearted person (or people) who allowed God to use them to bless us today.

We've been struggling to make ends meet financially, and we're planning to take a student loan to be able to pay for my schooling (read: more school loan debt, when we're already paying back $XX,XXX). It has been very hard for me to admit that I can't pay for things like the books I need for class or the professional conference that I really should attend. It has be so hard to not buy more than the absolutely essential groceries and to not make more trips than necessary. We've turned down the heat, used as few cell minutes as possible, and paid only the bills that loomed directly ahead. It has been hard to admit that I need help - that when I got to the counter at the store last week, the clerk paid for part of my bill with the "take a penny, leave a penny" dish. I almost cried then.

God had a blessing in mind, though!

The envelope had no return address on it, and it's postmarked at a city near us. To the friend (or friends?) who sent it: We've been truly blessed through you. Thank you. Your generosity is amazing - I'm in tears as I write this. I'm so thankful to God for a friend like you. Thank you for being the way that God meets our needs. We're amazed at His provision for us, and so very grateful.

"My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside,
Who floods my weaknesses with strength,
And causes fears to fly.

Whose every promise is enough
For every step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace."
"My Heart is Filled" by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend

using our gifts

First, a random, recent apple pie I made. Consider this exhibit A: using my gifts. Ha. The hubby enjoyed this delicious offering.

Today's sermon was from Romans 12:3-8, which focuses on the different kinds of gifts that people are given. Some are gifted to teach, or lead, or speak - some are gifted to encourage, to be givers, to show mercy, to serve.

I've always known that I was good at music, and it has been in my heart to be a teacher - I just can't help teaching. To see if I was perceiving these things correctly, I took a few spiritual gifts tests.

The first lists my gifts as musicianship, leadership, and hospitality.
The second one again puts music at the top, followed by discernment, hospitality, wisdom, encouragement, and leadership. Teaching is much further down than I expected.
The third test ranks teaching first, administration second, and exhortation third.

Slightly surprising. But clarifying, I suppose.

I do see myself as a leader, and a person who can easily discern what is the best course of action. I have musical gifts, and I use them gladly. I love having people over at my house, and being surrounded by friends. And, of course, if I have knowledge to share, it's hard to help it!

I suppose these things should confirm for me that I'm in the right place. Conducting is a very leadership and administration based pursuit, but it's also relational. It combines facets of teaching and musicianship. It seems to be the right career for me, if I am to continue to pursue a career. Motherhood is still calling, and I don't know if I could give my best to both. Not a decision for today, though!

Happy Sunday to all.