feeling it

Today, I'm feeling it.
A little fatigued from last night's Zumba experience - wow, I am not a dancer - a little emotional from the amount of alone time I've had, and a little overwhelmed by the work I have to do in between now and tomorrow.

I've enjoyed waking up to the sun streaming in my windows, but this morning, I just woke up and felt...sad. Not ready for the day. Pull-the-covers-back-up and hide sort of morning. Listen to five more minutes of classical radio before I drag myself out of bed. Even my gummy bear vitamin wasn't quite as pleasant. I saw my blooming Christmas cactus and wanted to be joyful, but didn't feel that way.

The turn-around? Singing. Thanks to God for Handel and his setting of "for unto us a Child is born," and for God deciding to make me with a voice that can do that reasonably well. Thanks for the opportunity to be in a choir again, to be with people, to pursue excellence. To appreciate the Steinway, to enjoy the perfectly balanced and tuned chords, to sing with others.

And thanks for tea. And friends. And chocolate! And peace in my home and at my school.

I will be okay.

slow down, huh?

I guess God wants me to slow down.

I did everything I could yesterday to avoid being sick - took Airborne, got extra sleep, ate healthy, went to bed on time, stayed warm and dry.

The following might be considered TMI, and you can stop reading now if you want. I'm in pain and I'm bleeding. Here's the rest of the story:







But I woke up often during the night to use the bathroom, which is weird for me. In the morning, I realized something was wrong, but didn't think it could be too bad. I got up about 40 minutes before my first class, showered, dressed, and drove the ten minutes to school. I was dizzy and nauseated in choir, which, in addition to my sore throat, made me feel really bad. And I had this pain in my lower abdomen that felt crippling. And then I almost wet my pants...

So I ran to the bathroom, and realized I was bleeding. I thought little of it, since this happens monthly. I took care of things, but then a half hour later, I had to go again. More blood, and not where it should have been.

I visited the health center on campus, and they determined that I have an infection, but that the doctor wouldn't be in until 2:30. It was noon, I was in so much pain I could've cried, and they can't do anything for me? I took Tylenol, told my teachers I was leaving, and went home.

So far, I've had about 42 oz of liquid to try to get myself re-hydrated. I've slept for an hour so far, and I'm going back to sleep after this. I did get my prescription and I'm hoping to be better within the week. Hoping and praying.

I've slowed down, now, Lord. I'm listening.

home sweet home

For the past 17 days, I have either been gone on choir tour or at a choral conference. 2.5 of those days were spent at home doing laundry and packing and squeezing in meal preparation and cleaning and classes and papers and - zoom - off to a conference.

I managed to not get sick on choir tour, which was a relative miracle. Most of the choir members did get sick, which is unusual. We had fevers, coughs, head colds, runny noses, and sore throats. I was pretty fatigued at the end of tour, and didn't have time to catch up on sleep.

I rushed off to the conference early in the morning, starting off a half hour late because of a certain travel companion whom we shall call A. During the conference itself, I was extremely emotional, stressed, and frustrated with A, who is both insecure and overconfident.

Side note: self-deprecating comments annoy me, especially when they're not true or unfounded. It also annoys me when someone spends an entire 12-hour car ride talking about how he's so great at choral music when he spent most of his undergraduate work studying and performing on an unrelated instrument, and has yet to be accepted to the choral conducting master's program at any school. It also bothers me that when A was driving, he would often take both hands off the wheel to "conduct" a portion of a currently playing piece. Um, the ensemble can't see you. And if you haven't studied the score, it's really not worth trying to conduct what you've heard as it's happening. Two, you're on a busy interstate. Three, the brakes on your car are grinding. DON'T take your hands off the wheel. Pay attention. Stop bragging. And by all means, do not turn on Eminem and then try to call it something that pleases God. And don't tell me about your previous girlfriends, what you've done, and how you want to start this new relationship with some girl from choir. I don't care.

So I was stressed, emotional, angry, tired, and carrying germs from choir tour. And visiting a city with which I am relatively unfamiliar. And also the only person in the group who had been to any professional conference before.

It was a recipe for disaster and disappointment in many ways.

However, I truly enjoyed seeing Helmuth Rilling conduct Mendelssohn's Elijah, an oratorio in German. It was excellent - beautifully sung, played, and portrayed. I loved it. We also attended a gorgeous, worshipful church service planned by Anton Armstrong, director of the St. Olaf choir. We heard many wonderful choral ensembles from across the country and experienced many different styles of choirs, music, and stage interpretations. I learned how important it is to me to appear professional onstage, to practice bowing, and to have a good suit so that my behind looks as nice as my smile side. I learned what choral sounds I like, what choreography works, and how formations change the sound of an ensemble. I went to music reading sessions that broadened my knowledge of repertoire, and picked up free perusal copies at the exhibits. Ooo! And free chocolate at the exhibits. They know how to get you...

All this to say: I'm so glad I'm back home. I'm so tired, my throat is sore, and I came home early from school today so that I could nap and do homework. I feel stressed because I'm behind in school work and I can't afford to be sick. My husband has been taking care of me, and I'm so thankful for him. I love being together with him, and missed him so much these past 17 days. Thanks to God for the blessing He's given me in my husband!

finding balance

I had a couple of friends over for homemade pizza tonight - they each brought an ingredient, and I made the pizza dough. It turned out pretty well! I think I'll try preheating the pizza stone next time to try to get the crust crispier...

Finding the balance in my life right now is really tough. I start the day with my shower, breakfast, and devotions, like always, but then things just seem to go awry. I get wrapped up in stress as soon as I'm at school - I remember how much I hate research, I feel burdened with reading, I feel tired by noon and just want to go home. It's hard to remember what motivates me, why I'm actually there, and that this is temporary. I thought grad work would be an opportunity to study the things I enjoy, to spend time growing in what I enjoy: teaching. I was a bit confused, evidently.

Now I'm home, trying to get together enough gumption to go through the 70 pages of reading that were assigned for my 2-credit class that meets tomorrow evening. Oh, help me, Lord. I can't do this on my own.

november?

Grad school has been dizzyingly busy.

This past month, I conducted in a masterclass with Dr. Rene Clausen, a well known composer and the director of the Concordia Choir. It went really well, and I was inspired. It was a much-needed bit of inspiration in a semester that has been difficult.

In the past two weeks, the College Choir has performed in three concerts; we had to travel to nearby cities for two of those concerts. This is a feat of organization, and I'm pretty sure I couldn't have done it and stayed sane, had it not been for the help of the choir president. He has been great at putting tour crews together, organizing driver lists, and making sure our equipment is set up. We had plenty of obstacles to overcome, but everyone has been so cooperative and willing to help. It seems like we have a great group of people this year!

I enjoyed a piano recital tonight - something I missed in these past three years. My undergraduate years were filled with this sort of thing, and I didn't really cherish these opportunities like I do now. High-quality, free concerts? okay by me.

Whew. Research for my research class is exhausting. I've confirmed that this is not for me. I am so done with my topic - but I still have to keep digging. It seems that as soon as I've answered my initial curious question, I just don't have the drive to go on.

Brad finally did get a job, for which we're both grateful. We have enough money in our account to make our bills this month, and we will have a little bit left over. A blessing, for sure! We're not thrilled with the hours that his job demands - 10am to 11pm, M-Th, but we are trying to stay positive about the blessing of a job.

These past few weeks, we've been operating on a one-car system - a tough thing, since Brad drives 70 minutes to a nearby city for work most days. I have had to depend on the charity of my friends to take me to and from school... a humbling experience. I'm grateful for my friends.

It seems that this first semester has been about simply keeping my head above water, doing just the bare minimum - making ends meet, finishing today's homework, doing the little household chores and neglecting the bigger ones. I was thankful for a canceled class this morning, which allowed me to do laundry, bake bread, mend a pair of pants, and wash the pile of dishes...not to mention sleeping in and cuddling with my husband, whom I rarely see. It makes me want to cry! I'm so tried emotionally and physically. I am not very old, but I feel the effects of this on my body. I'm not as young as I was in undergrad... funny, yes?

A good friend at school has agreed to pray with me once a week, and that has been great. I'm so glad to have her friendship and to be able to support her in prayer, as well has having her support of me.

There is more left to do this evening...so I'm out.