Mara's birth story

We're so happy to welcome our sweet daughter to our family! Little Mara Grace has been with us for almost four weeks now - unbelievable.

I have rather prompt children, I guess! Both my son and my daughter were born on their due dates, an experience that I'm told is rather rare.

One day old!

On Friday the 16th, I had my 40 week obgyn appointment. My due date was Saturday, January 17th, and my doctor said she would sweep my membranes to try to get things moving. It was painless for me, which was great! I had a few contractions after that and throughout the evening, but they were inconsistent. My mom had come into town, as she had planned, and we had a nice time together. It was good for her to follow Joshua's regular schedule with me, as she would be caring for him when we left for the hospital.

I awoke at about 5:30 the following morning to real contractions. Time-able. Had to breathe through them. I woke Brad and had him pass me his phone so I could download and use a contraction timer app. As I breathed through the pain, the first words that came to mind were these from Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Over and over. I focused on those words of truth and felt peace settle over me through the pain. God is my strength. He is my help. He holds me. Do not fear.

I timed for about an hour before I realized that the contractions were already between three and five minutes apart - time to get to the hospital! 

Meanwhile, Joshie and Nana had already gotten up and started breakfast. The smell of coffee was familiar and comforting, reminding me of my childhood. I don't drink coffee, but it was calming. So good to have my mom here.

I dressed myself between contractions and got downstairs to the armchair to wait for the on-call doctor to return my call and to tell me to come to the hospital. I waited and breathed and centered myself on the scripture. Joshua looked over at me from the breakfast table and wondered if Mommy was okay. Mommy's belly hurts, I said. But everything is okay. The baby will come out today, and the doctor will help. Mommy and Daddy will go to the doctor, and baby sister will come out.

The ride to the hospital was a mere 20 minutes, but felt so long with contractions every three minutes or so. And oh, was it cold! But it was a clear, sunny day, with passable roads. Just what I had prayed for. And I remained peaceful.

The triage experience was less than fun. They require a urine sample as soon as I set foot in the door. That was difficult to manage during my frequent contractions! Then the belly monitors were put on me for a fetal non-stress test and to time my contractions. As I waited for that, they also tried to insert an IV. And failed. It took three attempts and two different locations and two different nurses to get my IV started! So frustrating. It became difficult to focus and center myself with the bright lights, people talking to me through contractions, and the extra pain from the needle pricks. And I was already at 4.5cm dilated - all on my own, with no drugs. I felt proud of that, but was already beginning to feel less than strong. It was probably about 45 minutes there in triage before we were taken to a birthing/recovery room and I was given a steroid to take the edge off my pain.

Since things were seeming to progress quickly, my epidural was started by about 8:30am. Instant relief. The anesthesiologist who gave the epidural was calming, confident, and quick. I felt so much better and slept a bit. I was able to read a book and text and laugh - and didn't feel a single contraction - until the insertion point got bumped and started to come out. I ended up needing a second epidural.

My water did not break for hours and hours; the baby was sitting so high, and hadn't descended into my pelvis to cause the water to break. The doctors didn't want to rupture it for me, as it could've caused the umbilical cord to get stuck in the birth canal and cause a dangerous situation for the baby. So we waited. And waited. The nurses were wonderful about helping me.

I was fully dilated by early afternoon, but was not allowed to push because of the baby's position. I was getting frustrated and tired, and felt emotional. I asked to sit upright, and had my feet lowered. A couple hours later, my water finally broke on its own, and things began to move quickly.

By 8pm, it was time. Nurses brought in the delivery items, spread out instruments on the tables, and laid out smocks for the doctor and nurse practitioner. The baby's isolette was brought in, as was the scale and other items to clean her up when she was born.

At 8:15pm, I began to push. Not more than eight pushes and four contractions later, little Mara Grace was born at 8:31pm! The cord was around her neck, so it had to be cut early. I'm glad for the doctor's quick attention to her and to keeping me safe, too. I didn't tear at all, and didn't have to have any stitches this time. So thankful.

Mara was whisked to the table and dried vigorously, and then she began to cry. What a strong cry! She was adamant about wanting to nurse. She weighed in at 7lbs, 12oz, and was 20.5" long. As soon as she was ready, I started to nurse her. And she nursed for an hour and a half! Poor Daddy didn't get to hold her for that long. He made many phone calls, though, and was elated when he finally got to hold his little princess.

 

little things

Cultivating a spirit of gratefulness:

1. Zestar apples. So delicious. I love the tastes of fall in this area of the country.
2. A sunny, highs in the 70's day to play outside with my little boy
3. The delight on said little boy's face when he realized the tractors were outside our house (they're fixing the city gas lines)
4. Having a few neighborhood boys my son's age that enjoy playing and sharing with him, and their sweet grandmother who is so generous and kind to me
5. The rhythmic, soothing normal-ness of knitting
6. Snuggling with my husband
7. A cozy meal in the oven
8. Feeling my active baby girl kick me and make my belly bounce
9. Friends who love the "me" I already am
10. The promise of a visit from family this weekend.

What are you thankful for?

little things: a long time coming

The last time I published was in May. There are many excuses. But here I am, anyway, with good news!

There will be another little one added to our family in mid-January! We got to see our tiny baby just last week via ultrasound, and six weeks earlier saw his or her strong, beating heart. What a blessing and an answer to our prayers. God is good to us!

The baby will be about 25 months younger than Joshua, which I think sounds just about perfect. They'll get to grow up together, play together, and have each other to lean on as they go through life.

I'm praying for strength, peace, and grace to be a good mommy to the two little blessings that we've been given!

I do think I could now do a list of the little things, don't you? 

1. Our tiny baby with wiggly hands and feet, and a strong heartbeat
2. My Joshua giving me kisses and picking flowers for me when we're outside
3. Having the opportunity this past June to teach at summer music school again
4. Being able to be there for a friend as she adjusts to her newest little one
5. Sharing maternity clothes with friends
6. Already being past the nausea and food aversions, and feeling more energetic
7. The blessing of peace in place of my fear for this pregnancy
8. The conversations Brad and I have already had about possible names for our littlest
9. Quiet evenings and nights of unbroken sleep, thanks to a certain newly sleeping-through-the-night toddler
10. Being blessed in so many ways because God is good. He is holy, sovereign, and in control. That he has his glory and his purpose in mind, even in the most difficult of times. That he hears our hearts' cries and holds us in every moment.

I may someday share about the depth of pain and struggle that we've been through, but for now, it's enough to know that God is faithful, that he is present, and that we are held in his hands no matter the circumstance.

I am so thankful!

little things

Little, tiny fingers, curling up and reaching toward me, just begging for tickles - love this.
The sweet birdie foot prints in the freshly fallen snow around the porch
A kiss from my sweet little boy
A warm house where we make our home
Cookies from my mom
Internet radio on my phone
Giggles from that ticklish toddler boy
Pretty love-themed decorations packed away for next February
March/Easter - themed decorations ready to be lovingly placed
Reminders of how much I am loved - handwritten notes, calls, thoughtful gestures

There is so much to be thankful for! Why is it so easy to miss this in the long, long days, while we count down the hours to bedtime and wonder what we might try to accomplish while the little one plays?

Trying to be conscious of the many blessings, and to be thankful. And to teach my son to do the same.

little things

It was a long, silent January, wasn't it? We experienced some of the coldest, snowiest days I've ever seen, and spent many cozy times cuddled up over "Brown Bear, Brown Bear" and piles of colorful blocks, not to mention stepping over piles of kitchen "toys" - pots, pans, recycling, spoons, canned goods...

So to begin February on a thankful note, here we go!

1. Warm, cozy days with my sweet little boy, who is growing and changing and learning so much each day
2. Cuddling on the couch with Brad after the sweet little boy is asleep in bed
3. Enough food, enough blankets, enough. We have everything we need, and so much more.
4. Putting away the last of the Christmas decorations, and looking forward to next year's decorating. Now that I know all the best places to put things out of Joshie's reach, I can better prepare for next time!
5. Visits with family and dear friends
6. The privilege of attending a truth-speaking church
7. Beautiful, bountiful, blessed snow. Sparkly, shimmery, swiftly blowing snow. Wind-blown dunes of crisp, crunchy, sand-like snow. Icy puddles that preserve fallen leaves, sticks, berries, pine cones.
8. The sound of birdsong today! Don't they know it's still winter here for another four months or so? God meets all their needs too, of course.
9. The blessing of many toys for my son, who insists he must climb on top of them all.
10. Safety for our family and friends, and the blessing of a Savior who knows us better than we know ourselves.

beep beep: on impatience

Our Jeep is a blessing.

(This hydrangea growing in my backyard is a blessing, too.)

You might laugh at that, but it is. And this is what I was chanting to myself last Saturday as I buckled Joshua into his carseat and started up the car for a grocery run on that rainy summer morning.

I buckled my seat belt and then realized that the seat was wet. Really wet. And then I gripped the steering wheel - also wet. The rain was leaking into the car, pooling in the upholstered ceiling, and dripping from the driver's side shade right onto my leg. Frustrated, I grabbed the only thing I could reach while still buckled - the picnic blanket I've kept in the car this summer - and tried to deal. Then I realized that my toes, too, were being dripped upon. What a day for flip flops, right?

Then I began to feel bad for myself. "Why do I have a ten-year-old leaky Jeep? Why can't I have a nice new car that's comfortable?" But I was stopped in my tracks as God quickly reminded me that, A. I don't deserve any of the blessings he's given (among them food, clothes, a home, shelter, a family), let alone this car, B. I'm on my way to buy groceries, for which we have just enough money, and C. This car is dependable. Not to mention, D. This car was a GIFT to us.

When we couldn't buy a second car, and had just totaled our only vehicle, friends of ours just gave us their extra vehicle. Free. Gratis. No strings attached. That was how the Jeep came to be ours. We paid for its new salvage title in NY state (it was once in a rollover accident, and the frame has never been quite true since. Hence, the leaking and the doors and windshield not fitting quite perfectly), put on the new plates, and it was ours. A blessing. An unanticipated, undeserved blessing.

And yet, I'm still impatient. And ungrateful. The knee-jerk reaction when I'm frustrated. Beep beep!! You've inconvenienced me. Still catching myself thinking about that elusive day when we might have two cars again, when they might be newer than ten years old, when they won't be gas-guzzling, 18mpg vehicles. When we can buy new furniture. When we can upgrade....

And it's not wrong to dream, but it's wrong to dwell on what we wish we could have, when we have so many things we can be thankful for now. I need to cultivate gratitude and thankfulness, a peaceful spirit, and a gentle, generous heart. I need to be willing to give of what I have - materially and emotionally - to others. I need to stop holding on with such clenched little fists to these temporal things that really don't matter anyway.

Whew. It's hard, isn't it?

I'm thankful for:

1. Peace in my home
2. A loving husband
3. My sweet little boy
4. My cat
5. Our very own laundry machines in our very own house
6. Enough food to eat
7. Those cute sparrows we saw on the walk today, and the tiny orange flowers in someone's grass
8. My pink Nalgene full of clean, filtered, fresh water
9. Our church
10. That blessed blue Jeep Liberty.

Five minute Friday: small

Small.

Like the sparrow we saw on our stroller ride/walk today, Joshua.

Like your little fingers, and my slender, big person fingers helping you to walk.

I know how it feels to be small, my son, and sometimes, it's really hard. You feel frustrated because you can't do the things you wish you could. You cry because what you want is out of reach. You cry because you can't communicate what you're feeling.

And your voice - even your little whimpers wake me from sleep, my boy. Even though you're in your own room and in your crib, the monitor on the lowest setting, I still hear you. But God heard you long before you even cried for help. He will always answer. He won't grumble as he comes to rescue you, as your mommy sometimes does. He will help you in ways I can't. I am small. Our God is "so big, so strong and so mighty; there's nothing our God cannot do."

Small, like how I feel when other people my age talk about their accomplishments in their careers. When people my age have their doctorate degrees finished and a college teaching career begun.  When we bought a small (beautiful! full of history! Just right for us!) house and theirs is huge and new and suburban and full of "wow" factor.

But not forgotten. We are small, son, but we have everything we need. The little things matter, and God sees. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.

little things: busy edition

bah. We've been so busy lately, and I really don't like it. All good things, but so busy.

Brad has had frisbee and hockey games on the same night. Small group is another evening. This weekend we have concerts on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Our weekends have been full of house repairs and remodels.

We've traveled soooo much.

I'm tired.

It's just hard to stay positive when I feel so drained, when babysitters aren't available, when I might have to back out of a commitment. It's hard to share a car, pinch pennies and decide what we don't need until pay day, and to wait. I'm trying to still my heart and listen for what God might want to teach me through this, for how he might strengthen me to face what it is that I must do. And for wisdom to do it well.

But, we have everything we need. Food, warmth, love, shelter. Family, friends, comfort, safety. A working car. Some money in the bank. Each other.

God is good, even in the middle of my stress. "Oh, for grace to trust Him more."

So, here are some little things.

1. Brad took us to the Rochester, NY Lilac Festival for part of my Mother's Day gift.

2. He also bought me a gorgeous orchid.
3. Our new house is slowly decluttering as I put boxes in the attic and unpack. I'm working on it slowly as the baby naps and I have the energy to unpack. I'm trying to be okay with the corners of chaos. I am thankful for our many possessions, though they are many.
4. I love the sunshine that streams in our windows!
5. My baby boy is almost able to sit up on his own, and is such a happy guy most of the time.
6. We will see both my parents and Brad's parents this weekend.
7. We have the opportunity to sing classical music together in a choir again, and it's so fun.
8. I got an encouraging email from a former choir student who is now studying music at a local university.
9. The previous owner of our house planted some perennials I love: bleeding heart flowers and hydrangeas, to name a couple!
10. It's nice enough to let laundry dry outside. Oh! And my laundry machines are in my very own basement. Hooray!

Well, I feel better now. What are you thankful for?

little things

Tonight, my little guy has gone to bed a few minutes early, so I have a bit of time to write! Here are some of the little things I count as blessings:

1. I'm thankful for the golden orange sun shining off the roofs of the buildings across the street as the sun sets over our city.
2. There are green buds on the trees outside our bathroom window, forsythia flowers spilling over the fence, and lots of robins playing in the (very large) puddle (pond) in the parking lot.
3. My husband was home with us all day as we enjoyed the Sunday service, a quiet lunch of leftovers, and some much-needed family down time.
4. Our new dining room is RED! And I've surprised the cool-colors, conservatively-decorating, introverted me by loving it. So excited.
5. We're moving on Saturday! And very little is packed. But with that, I realize that we have an abundance of possessions. We have much for which to be thankful. How often have I taken these things for granted? How much do I invest in these things that I should be giving to other, more important things? Taking stock of more than stuff as I pack things into boxes, taping and labeling like crazy.
6. I love the way that it stays lighter longer as the seasons lean toward warmer weather. Thanks to God for providing something lovely in every season.
7. I'm trying a dairy-free diet to help my son's digestive troubles go away...I hope they go away! I've discovered that almond milk is pretty delicious, as long as I'm not expecting it to taste like milk. And rice cheese flavored like cheddar is good. Next week, I'll try rice milk.

The cute reason for the temporary diet change

8.  I got to wear one of my favorite skirts today - the purple one with pockets. I felt cute and I feel great about beginning to get back to my previous size. Now, I need to regain muscle tone... how to fit in exercise?
9. Paper plates. This week, I am grateful for them.
10. My family: in-laws, parents, siblings. For good friends. For lots of prayer. God has blessed us in every way, and with more than we could have imagined.

What are you thanking Him for today?

little things

Here's the promised post on the little things - the often overlooked, but truly important things that make life beautiful!

1. Watching the gently falling snow from the warmth of our church sanctuary, during...
2. ...yet another meaningful and memorable sermon and time of worship with friends. We are truly blessed to be a part of this church.
3. A cozy Oscar-cat on my lap (what little is left of my lap)
4. Morning walks in the brisk weather with my friend, Kelly, and her little boy
5. Safety on our trips to and from my parents' house for Thanksgiving
6. The blessing of a family that really does get along well most of the time
7. Hearing my husband pray with thankfulness for our family, and with joy for our soon-to-come son. Such a treasure to be his wife and the mother of his child!
8. Having more than enough to eat, a warm house to sleep in, and all our basic needs met, once again
9. Being completely done with Christmas shopping and wrapping, except for this one last gift for my sister
10. Finding out that our baby will have yet another cousin...due in July! That makes two cousins on one side, and another cousin on the other side. Exciting!

Three sisters-in-law and mommas-to-be!

God has been so good to us, even through our difficulty financially. We have so much in each other, in our family, and in our friends. Truly blessed!

little things

It has really been too long since my last post. I have been busy: washing baby clothes, preparing for choir rehearsals, cleaning, napping, laundering, washing dishes, baking, napping... third trimester is a bit tiring! But, anyway, here are the little things for which I am thankful:

My morning glories don't know that it's fall. I don't mind.

1. bright orange, white, green, and yellow gourds decorating my coffee table
2. cozy sweaters that still (kinda) fit
3. lots of hugs from the hubby
4. knowing that I've made and frozen the three kinds of Christmas cookies I've been meaning to make for this coming season
5. checking Christmas gifts off the list
6. hearing at my last baby checkup that the little guy's heartbeat is "perfect"
7. enough food, water, gas, blankets, and candles to make it through the coming BIG STORM
8. my very entertaining, sweet sister and her roommate
9. friends who ask how I really am and care to pray for me
10. being able to go to our small-group Bible study two weeks in a row

...and so much more, of course. Like waking up next to my husband and being pulled in close to him, held tightly and safely for just five more minutes before we start the day. Like this time of unemployment that helps me feel less stressed about preparing for our baby's arrival. Like the opportunity we had to participate in music at church yesterday.

God is good. I hope you can rest in Him today!

little things

Sometimes I tell you a bit about the little things I notice and the blessings I'm thankful for...

...like the closed-up party-striped morning glories on our fence
2. the cardinal that visited our yard
3. my husband getting home right on time, with an uneventful drive
4. the food that has been in our home and on our plates every day
5. phone calls from family and friends
6. snuggly sweatpants and stretchy shirts that cover my growing baby belly
7. every little movement Baby makes
8. the many gifts we've received for our little one
9. my fall-scented candle
10. an opportunity to sing in a choir

And sometimes, there are really BIG little things.

Things like knowing our baby is healthy and normal.
Things like waking up next to my wonderful husband, rather than miles apart.
Things like a sweet lady at the women's retreat this weekend who decided that she wanted to pay for our groceries this week.
Things like the surprise, anonymous card in the mail, stuffed with a $50 restaurant gift card, and with only the word "ENJOY!" handwritten inside. 

These are the things I can only thank God for! Anonymous friend, I cried tears of gratitude when I opened the card you sent. You might know that we're living paycheck to paycheck, that having a special date night was out of the question. Thank you for that precious gift!

To the woman at the retreat weekend: you make me feel so loved and cared for. To know that I can buy more than just milk, eggs, and bananas this week is such a blessing. I'm tearing up just thinking about your generosity.

To God alone, thank you. For meeting all our needs. For providing us with reassurance that our baby is healthy. For bringing us into the place where we are now, where we must rely on You fully. You are the one who directs our feet, who gives us peace in these difficult times.

little things

Oh, the little things.

Tiny purple flowers, barely-there breezes, fluttering leaves, sunshine and shade dappled grass, tangy lemonade, bare toes, the comfort of leaning on my husband's chest, a content stomach, a full heart, a peaceful mind.

Each day holds something little to be thankful for.

Today? 

1. The speckled bird just above me as I put a thank-you note in the mailbox.
2. The reason for the thank-you note: a fridge full of groceries that we couldn't afford on our own.
3. The beauty of picked-for-me roses, hand delivered by my momma, with a hug, of course.
4. A not-too-hot, not humid morning with clear blue skies, sun, and a breeze.
5. Clean sheets and a dryer that works
6. As much water as I need
7. Comfortable, stretchy workout pants. Today, I will walk.
8. Tears that simultaneously express my pain and heal my heart
9. The possibility of a collegiate teaching position - daring to hope
10. Peace in the knowledge that all my needs will be met. All of them. Praying for contentment and wisdom to be willing to let go of things I don't need, and trusting for the things that we really do need.

little things

Sometimes, it's the little things that mean the most.

1. My husband, Brad, telling me that, no matter how poor we are, it makes him feel like a rich man to have homemade pizza on Sunday.
2. Our baby boy kicking me most of the day and part of the night. It's a blessing to know he's active and healthy, even if the movement startles me or sometimes feels irritating. It's a precious treasure.
3. Having a variety of food to eat, and enough.
4. Bright pink nail polish on my toenails.
5. The sun shining through the trees. Tonight, the maple seed pods twinkled auburn, red, and gold: a hint of autumn.
6. My yarn stash, which has all the right colors for a number of adorable baby boy things. This is necessary, since two of my sisters-in-law are having baby boys this December, too!
7. Safety in the car, at Brad's flag football game, and at home.
8. A nice camera that captures memories.
9. Comfortable, stretchy, soft clothes to cover my growing belly - not new clothes, but good clothes.
10. Not being able to see the busy city street from any of my apartment's windows; instead, we see the leaves of trees, and only hear the traffic.

Dwelling on the blessings, which are many, and trying not to be sad for the things that are not as I wish they were. You, too?


All of my needs are met. Working on helping my heart to desire the things that are best.

little things

It's well past time for a post on the little things.

Things like:

1. My impatiens and begonias in shades of pink and white are thriving and filling out that little city corner just outside our apartment. Morning glory vines are climbing through the chain-link fence, and pink-and-lime green coleus is brightening the edge of the garden.
2. A lovely mix of sun and crisp, cool breeze today, shared with a friend at my husband's football game this morning.
3. The riot of color, sound, fragrance, and texture in fresh blueberries, concord grapes, heirloom tomatoes, brilliant sunflowers, fresh-cut basil, bustling crowds, the empanada stand, a mandolin player with an open case of change, cool, smooth brown eggs, the weight of a full grocery sack, and the laughter of friends at the public market this morning
4. Having enough to eat and drink today - a blessing I often miss. And having food I like!
5. The cuddliness of my Norah-cat, who usually prefers playtime over petting
6. The exciting anticipation and the rhythm and comfortable pattern of knit, purl, knit, cable, knit as I make a vest for our baby boy - and feeling his kicks and twists as I knit.
7.  A normal day - a day where I wake up next to my peacefully sleeping hubby, notice the sun streaming through the blinds, feed the cats, ride in the car, enjoy friends, prepare and eat meals, and relax at home - a day where nothing went wrong. A day of safety, peace, fun, rest, joy, comfort.
8. Owning a vacuum that works well. It's a relief to know that I can trust it to get rid of most of the scattered kitty fur and dust.
9. The convenience of having the internet at my fingertips whenever I need it
10. The comfort of knowing that everything will be okay, because Someone Bigger is the one in whom all things hold together.

And those are just a few of the little things. What are you thanking God for today?

little things

Today's little things are actually quite big to me! This will be a long-ish post. I hope you'll stick with me.

First, the little things:

1. Seeing a big, fat robin preening himself on the fence around our side yard. I just stood and watched him for about a minute. There are also little, tiny blue flowers growing at the bottom of the fence - I will have to take a picture for you.
2. Holding my husband's hand in the car. Something extra safe and secure about that - no seatbelt could ever make me feel so protected.
3. Sunshine streaming through closed blinds - the promise of another pretty summer day
4. Unlimited access to clean drinking water and to a fully functional bathroom. And nice-smelling soap and soft towels. This is high priority for pregnant women.
5. Friends that care to check in on me and find out how I really am
6. Fresh blueberries from the public market - directly from the farmer who grew 'em. So sweet.
7. Maternity Shorts. Capital. What a wonderful idea to put a soft, stretchy panel in a cute pair of dark denim Bermudas. And thank you to the sweet woman who dropped them off at the thrift store instead of the pricier consignment shop across the street.
8. Feeling our baby boy move - little kicks and punches that feel like bubble wrap bursting in my belly.
9. Reassuring doctors who take time out of their vacations to update us on test results
10. Knowing that our baby's genetic tests show that he's normal and healthy

The last three "little things" have been huge to hubby and me this past week. Exactly a week ago today, I went to the follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn after my 19 week sonogram a week before (two weeks ago today). Everything had looked great on the sonogram - the technician called what she saw "textbook" for development, commenting again and again on how well kidneys, heart, brain, bones, and even the umbilical cord were formed. We were confident that Baby was doing great - wiggling, kicking, scrunching his little fists, and making faces. I left the sonogram and had a routine blood test done, feeling happy about our little one and never doubting that anything could be wrong with our precious boy.

So, at the follow-up appointment, my doctor came in the room to discuss the blood test results. All of my other test results have been normal thus far, and I have no predicting factors for making this one any different - but it was. This was the "quad screen" test, which looks for levels of different proteins that serve as potential markers for physical abnormalities in the developing baby. My test came back with low levels of a certain protein, which indicated that I had an increased risk of having a baby with Down's syndrome. Evidently, the normal risk factor for a woman my age is something like 1 in 950, and mine was calculated at 1 in 250...about the risk for a woman 10 years older than me.

I'm pretty sure my heart went into overdrive. The rest of the visit - listening to the statistics, hearing the baby's heartbeat (normal rate), carrying the paperwork to the check-out desk - all of it is a blur, except for this clear, strong voice in my head that said, just once, "he doesn't have it." I had been praying the whole time, and trying so hard not to cry. I'm pretty sure I was pale.  My ob/gyn made a call to the specialist immediately, and got me an appointment for just two days later instead of the two weeks I would normally have to wait. I was thankful for that. I told him so.

I made it all the way through the grocery store and back home before I cried. I left a message for hubby to call me - and then I spent most of the next two days crying. And praying. And trying so hard to believe the voice I heard. Wanting to hope, wanting to know, wanting to believe - but so afraid that if I did, I would be wrong. It was so hard to trust. I spent hours reading the psalms, trying to sing, and throwing myself into housework so I wouldn't cry. I felt Baby move more often in those two days than I have before - I wonder if he could feel how stressed and worried I felt. I'm pretty sure I ate healthy foods, but I don't really remember. There are still chips left and the salad is gone, so I guess I did.

On Thursday last week, we went to see the specialist. Hubby got a couple hours off of work to come with me (we're sharing a car right now), and I was so glad to have him with me. The specialist looked over our ultrasound pictures again, and reassured us that he believed that Baby was one of the 249 babies without DS, not the one with the extra copies of chromosomes (for that's what causes Down's - it's having multiple copies of the smallest chromosome). He explained all the physical markers and showed us that our baby did not have those physical signs - that everything looked normal. He said this knowledge, along with our other previously normal-looking tests, added up to a risk that was probably closer to 1 in 400 - but still a risk. Do you know how comforting the word "normal" is?

The specialist gave us three options to consider. 1. Wait until the baby is born to know for sure, 2. have an expensive, not paid by insurance, brand-new-in-the-last-6-months blood test done to analyze my DNA and the fragments of baby's DNA in my blood - an almost definitive yes or no, or 3. Have an insurance-covered amniocentesis done: a definitive test. The first two options both carried some what-ifs. What if we didn't know about the disorder, and baby had it? That could complicate the birth process, for one, and leave us a bit unprepared for what laid ahead. What if the blood test said he had DS, but he was born normal and healthy? We'd worry and prepare for no reason. The only definitive answer would be from the amniocentesis - and that procedure carries with it the risk of miscarriage - about 1 in 400.

The specialist left us for a few minutes to talk and consider what to do. I almost burst into tears when he left, but hubby was holding my hand. We talked about the risks, and decided that we needed to know if Baby was okay. We told the doctor that we would do the amniocentesis, I signed paperwork, and hubby had to go back to work. I texted a friend to come and pick me up from the procedure - she was wonderful to come and get me.

The procedure for an amniocentesis involves drawing a few tablespoons of fluid out of the amniotic sac around the Baby. The needle goes through the mother's stomach and, guided by ultrasound, into an area where Baby isn't going to be inside the fluid sac. I couldn't watch. It only hurt a little at the insertion point, and it was over quickly. They checked Baby's heart rate afterward, and it was normal. He was wiggly as usual. I was so very emotionally and physically tired. I walked slowly to the door of the hospital, rode home, thanked my friend, and slept for two hours on the couch. Baby was kicking like crazy - that felt reassuring to me.

And then we waited. The specialist promised to call us with results on Monday, even though he would be on vacation all this week. Friday was a long, long day! I don't remember much of Saturday, except going to the market with a friend. I think I slept a lot. Sunday, we prayed, worshiped, sang, and heard a sermon about the dangers of pride, of self-reliance - the danger of not trusting God. We held hands, and prayed that God had made our baby perfectly, that there had been no "mistake" in chromosome copies, that he was healthy and normal. We were scared, but thankful for the specialist's confidence.

Monday, I waited almost all day, until the call came a bit after 4pm. I picked up the phone, my heart racing, blood pumping in my ears. "Good news," the specialist said, "your baby does not have Down's syndrome." There will be further analysis of his genetic material, but this big question is answered. The doctor is confident that no other disorders will be revealed. Baby looks healthy and normal. He doesn't have a major chromosomal disorder. We are so relieved! And thankful. And full of love for our gracious God and our tiny Little One.

We went out to dinner to celebrate (with a gift card, of course) our little (BIG!) blessing. May we never take for granted that our boy will be able to eat well, sleep well, fill a diaper well, learn to use the potty without trouble, speak well, think well, run well, play well, get messy, make mistakes, make friends, learn quickly, play an instrument, go to college, get married, and have a family. May we remember that normal life - normal, everyday, sticky mess filled, auto-pilot life - is a blessing.

So thankful for the little things, and for our Little One. Full of joy!

our living street, or, on the street where we live.

We live on a

DEAD END


road. There's a big yellow sign with bold black lettering to prove it. I find that somewhat insulting.

We live.

There must be better terminology for streets without a connection on both ends.

• no outlet
• no exit
• quiet street
• no through traffic
• one way in, same way out

I guess this is not really a big deal. But to prove that things LIVE on our dead end street, here's a little walk up and down our road!

This is my tiny little shade garden, full of little annuals that I picked up at Lowe's for just $5.

...pink begonias,

...impatiens in pink, white, and bright pink, and some coleus for color.

Right in front of our porch, we added some pachysandra.

Here's a better view of the little pachysandra garden in front of our porch.

Across the street is our little parking lot. There's a large vine growing with these beautiful white flowers. I don't know what they are, but they're pretty, and fragrant!

As we walk down the little street, there are little surprises, like this forget-me-not, tucked under a bush.

The house nearest the end of the street has a few pretty rose bushes that peek out through their fence.

See the little bee?

Spray roses spilling out onto the sidewalk. If they're on the sidewalk, I can pick them, right? Right? Oh.

Today, there was also this moth...butterfly? as I walked along.

Such bright pink roses!

Doesn't that just shout "summer"? Love the coral pink/bright blue contrast.

Butterfly rests for a bit...

Weeds Wildflowers growing in the sidewalk cracks

Behind an abandoned brick store, there are these pink beauties. Is this bee balm?

Looks like a cluster of pink, glittery stars to me!

Growing in the gravel...

And, to remind us that this is, indeed, the city: broken bits of green glass, glittering in the sunshine.

Still somehow pretty.

Back at our apartment! 

Thanks for joining me on a walk around our very living street!

celebrating beauty

As we were on our way to church on this beauteous Sunday morning, my husband noticed a bright flower on the side of the road and tried to point it out to me as we drove by. Unfortunately, I missed it in my headache-induced mental fog and worries about being on time. He described it as a coral-colored flower, and I couldn't think of what it might be. Coral flowers? Nope, couldn't think of one.

On the way home, though, he spotted it again! This time, we pulled over, and he told me to hop out and pick a few! Oh, yes! Poppies. So sweet. I love the way he knows what I like - the little things that delight me. Back when we were dating, it would be rare if he would even notice a flower, let alone point it out to me. I'm so grateful for the husband God gave me! He's pretty great.

 

Here are the glorious poppies he found for me! Look at the neat shadows they make.

I love the way their "furry" stems droop under the weight of their tissue-paper thin petals.

Doesn't it look like it should be a day at the beach? Something about those colors....

I love the way their seeds aren't really black, but a deep gray-purple. And so soft!

And this picture makes me almost like the white painted plywood replacement top for the white metal patio table that our apartment was "furnished" with. It's kinda shabby-chic with flowers on top.

The petals feel like a really rich silk. 

Can you imagine a swirly summer skirt made of perfectly wrinkled coral silk?

These photos are just begging me to pull out my watercolors and try to capture the beauty... I'll have to plan to paint soon after our move.

Isn't God's creation amazing?