blue days

For the past two years, I've lived a very busy, high-stress life. My days have been scheduled by the hour. My planner saw a lot of use! However, that time of extreme busyness has come to a sudden stop. Sudden quiet. Sudden lack of schedule. Sudden lack of income. Hours where I can do anything I want or need with no requirements or homework or planning. Hours of empty freedom.

Oh, change. The only constant in life is change, right?

I graduated, packed up, cleaned up, and we moved to a new city. I celebrated getting to live together with the hubby again, then I cleaned, unpacked, arranged, organized, cleaned some more, figured out how to get to the grocery, located the thrift stores, and then...

...just nothing. No job interviews, no huge to-do list. I took up meal planning, which I probably should have been doing all along. I actually plan to mop again today - this is unusual for me! I cleaned the windows in the entry stairway, planted pachysandra in front of the porch, and even put in some annual flowers near our front steps.

Then, I had an interview at Macy's - a very cloudy, rainy day. Imagine me trying to keep my just-a-bit-too-long pant legs out of the puddles while juggling an umbrella and my full leather tote bag in the wind and rain... I'm sure I was a sight! The interview was fine, but I know I'm overqualified for the position. They were surprised when I handed them a resume - let's just leave it at that.
Who knows if they'll even call me back.

That was a very low day. I cried off and on for no reason. The rain and dark skies sure didn't help! I'm a sunshine-lovin' girl. I couldn't make myself get up off the couch. I tried doing things I like - knitting, crafts, painting, reading, eating a grape popsicle - nothing was fun. I did the dishes numbly. I felt fat, even though I know that this belly is a good sign that Baby is growing and healthy. It meant the world to me when my mom called, and reminded me that this might not just be a "sad" day. This might be depression.

Just like when I was first married. We had spent a sweet week of togetherness, then packed and moved to our new place, 3 hours' drive from anyone we knew and loved. He had a part-time job right away, which left me home with piles of boxes. I attacked those boxes - cleaned, organized, put away. Lifted more than I should have. I went running often, ate way too little, and cried almost every day. I couldn't look at wedding photos without tears. What should have been the happiest months of my life were incredibly lonely, sad times. No job, a very busy hubby at grad school, no friends, and a very tiny apartment with nothing left to clean or organize or decorate.

After a while, when I finally did have a job, things felt better. I didn't love my job, but at least I was contributing some pennies to our account. I started eating more appropriately, and still exercised. We made some friends at church, and things turned around. I adjusted, and learned to like it, even love it, there in our new home.

So now, I know everything will work out. I just have to make it through this sad time. I know Hubby will come home each day, and I will have a hug and someone to talk to who understands. (Oscar-cat is cute, and talks back, but isn't anywhere close to human, of course.) I don't have to wait until the weekend to see him, and I don't have to go to counseling to feel like I can actually be myself. I have to make good choices about my body and health - not just physically, but emotionally, too. It will be so helpful once we've found a church to call home. Once I have a schedule that's more than this:

7:44am - get up with Hubby, make breakfast and his lunch, then do the dishes. Shower, maybe. Think about what other household chores I can do. Can I find an excuse to leave the house? Groceries? Bank? Thrifting? No, we don't have any extra money right now.
12 noon - eat something. Try to make it nutritious.
2pm - nap? If I feel like it.
5pm - what last minute cleaning can I do before Hubby comes home?
6pm - begin to make dinner
10pm - try to make it until now before going to bed.

And just this morning, I got a call for a teaching interview - a long term sub position. That would be a good thing! Experience, something to get my name out there, and ending just in time for me to have Baby. Praying that God will help me to know what decision to make if I'm offered the position. Hoping that I'm offered the position!

Today it is sunny. I know rain will come again, but I'm praying that I can face it with more strength.

Two years in review

It has been a very long, full two years! We've been blessed so richly, and we have so much to be thankful for.

It's hard to believe that I'm really finished with my graduate degree, that we're moving so soon, and that we're expecting a baby. Here's a quick (as quick as I can) review of the past two years:

July 31, 2010 - moved here with no jobs, a little bit of savings, and lots of hopes. Feeling pretty stressed because of some miscommunications with the landlords, and trying to get settled in our new place.

August - started grad work. Hubby was unemployed, and we had stopped receiving benefits from my unemployment. His undergraduate loans had just come due, too.

September - still making it on savings and Angel Food, but things are tight! School is overwhelming, and I feel like I'm actually majoring in email, not Choral Conducting.

October - we see the bottom of our bank account, and can't buy groceries. We're thanking God for the gas in our cars, for the rent and utilities being paid, and we're living out of our pantry. The in-laws bring a surprise load of groceries, and we're beyond relieved. Money is still tight, and a surprise check arrives in the mail from an anonymous friend. I burst into tears when I open it, knowing only God could prompt someone to be so generous.

November - Hubby gets a job!! Yay! But it's in a city an hour and 15 minutes away, it's a temporary position, and the shift is 11am to 10pm. Hubby leaves home at 9:30am and isn't home until 11:30pm. We only see each other on weekends, but at least we're living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and counting it a blessing to have an income. School continues to be challenging, but I'm beginning to adjust. I've started praying with my friend, Nicki, every Thursday, and that helps so much! I've had the opportunity to be a part of conducting masterclasses and to step in for the College Choir director when he was gone. You can read more about my crazy month here.

December - Hubby has just Christmas Day off, so we try our best to see both families. We have car trouble with our little Nissan on Christmas morning, and we end up being late to see his family - frustrating! But we were safe. This is just one of many times we've had troubles with the electrical system in that car, even though it's three years newer and a lot nicer than our other vehicle.

January 2011 - Things are in full swing at school again, and I'm planning the final details of the Choir's tour to Florida and many of the states between NY and FL. I started a course called Theory Pedagogy, and the teacher doesn't think I'll do well - I feel taken aback by that! Hubby's temporary position has ended, and we're not sure we can afford the semester. We take a loan to be able to pay for my schooling. I still can't afford to take the conducting lessons I would love to have. We're still scraping the bottom of our bank account. But, God gives us another real-life miracle in a generous, anonymous friend. Near the middle of the month, he finds a new job with a computer repair shop. He loves it, it's closer to our house, normal hours, and he makes a pretty decent salary. My parents give us part of the pig they had purchased, and we're eventually able to pay them back for the meat.

February - The Choir goes on mini-tour, and I volunteer to drive four choir members to and from our run-out concert in a nearby city. On the way home, I hit two deer, totaling our Nissan. Everyone in the car was unharmed! AAA towed our car all the way to my in-laws, where my FIL realized it was beyond repair. After about a month with the computer repair shop, out of the blue, Hubby is let go. The boss' crazy mood swings and violent outbursts make it easy to leave, even though Hubby loved the work. Less than a week later, I left for Choir tour.

March - The insurance money from the car is more than we expected, and we put a lot of it into savings. Hubby applies for unemployment. I choose courses for the next semester, and friends take me to and from school for this month.

April - We still can't afford a new car, hubby doesn't have a job, and I'm trying to finish the semester well. Friends are still driving me to and from school, and I "pay" them in cookies. It's so hard to rely on other people. I got an A- in Theory Pedagogy, which I can only hope was a pleasant surprise to the teacher. We're living on the money from the car payment.

May - Friends of ours hear that we're in need of a car, and they offer us their Jeep, free of charge. A gift. We just need to go pick it up! We stand for my brother at his wedding. We begin the process of transferring our Jeep to NY state.

June - I take a three-week position at a music school in my parents' hometown, and enjoy teaching. Hubby keeps looking for work, and finally begins to receive unemployment benefits. We're both discouraged. We apply for Medicaid and start getting benefits. I switch to a new medication that makes me gain weight - so dumb. Hate it.

July - We celebrate my birthday at my parents' house, and hubby gives me flowers. When I come home, he has cleaned the house and put out a bottle of nice wine: the rest of my birthday/anniversary present. We celebrate our anniversary with a trip to a museum and use a gift card for a dinner out. Beautiful.

August - School is starting again, and hubby has a lead on a job. He interviews, and they call him for a second interview. We're nervous, but we're trusting that God will provide for us. We still have some money left from the car payment, the Jeep is finally on the road, and we have food to eat.

September - I count it a blessing that my textbooks this semester only cost $30. It has been so nice to be able to drive myself to and from school. Hubby has his second interview, and we're excited about it!

October - I have a couple opportunities to conduct the College Choir, and I'm loving my history of church music class. I feel like things are going pretty well. Hubby has his third interview, and is hired! We're excited and relieved. We figure the cost of commuting daily, and find out that it's more expensive for him to commute than to rent a room near his new workplace in a city an hour and a half away. We make the hard decision to rent a second place for him near work.

November - I have quite the emotional breakdown, and check myself into counseling. I can't deal with Hubby being gone all the time, and I feel pressured to take care of our whole house like we did together. I'm overwhelmed. I have serious upset stomachs, I cry all the time at home, and I can't motivate myself to do homework or housework. Hubby does well at his new job, and comes home on weekends. I try to be positive, but my emotional state is weighing on him. I finally get my medication switched, and I'm able to lose the weight I gained.

December - The Choir presents three concerts in a row, and I'm exhausted! The last week of the semester is tough, but I finish with (unbelievably) a 4.0. It's the first 4.0 I've ever had in my graduate schooling! It's a huge blessing. I'm beginning to adjust to our new normal, and look forward to some rest over Christmas break. I realize that my car needs to be inspected, so I take it in. Long story short, I was there six different times, and it still wouldn't pass inspection.

January 2012 - Hubby continues at his new job, we have good insurance now, and things are looking up. I start my final semester, and begin to plan my recital. I get to work with my own ensemble this semester, and I'm excited. Hubby takes the car to his dad, who takes it to his trusted mechanic. They can't figure out what's wrong. I ask friends to take me to and from school yet again. I have great friends, by the way.

February - We celebrate Valentine's Day early, and Hubby gives me the sweetest gift. We're excited! Not more than two days later, we finally get our car back with a temporary inspection sticker. I'm relieved to have the freedom to drive myself to and from school.

March - The Choir tours over Easter, and I wonder if I might be pregnant. When I get home, I know for sure, and surprise the hubby with an early "birthday" gift - he's a daddy!

April - This last month is crazy! I'm trying to fit in all the final work for my classes, writing a 25 page paper, rehearsing and preparing for my recital, trying to study, trying to fit in exercise - and I'm so exhausted. I have to eat six mini-meals a day, and I actually take naps at school. I feel overwhelmed! Hubby tries to help me to relax, and encourages me, reminding me that I can do this. I pray that God would work through me and complete this work well!

May - We're almost done with this separation thing! We find an apartment, sign a lease, and start packing. I have my recital, comprehensive oral exit exam, Choral Seminar exam, Music Listening exam, first baby appointment, and accompany for five juries, all in the space of five days. Then, I spend the weekend and all day Monday writing my paper - it's only 20 pages, but I'm turning it in. Graduation arrives, and I'm so relieved! Hubby and my parents were able to be there, and they're so proud of me. I can't believe I'm done!

To top it all off, I earned another 4.0, and my overall GPA is 3.88. Only God could have done that! I'm feeling so blessed.

We got to see Baby on a sonogram, and I heard Baby's heartbeat at my second appointment. We're almost ready to move, and we are so excited to start this second chapter of our lives. God has been so good to us!

We've been through so many difficult things, but I know that God is the one who carried us through. Our marriage continues to be strong, and we're excited for what God will do through us. We're so thankful for our Little One, and we're praying that God continues to meet our needs. When we move, I'll be looking for a job, and we're hoping it will be a decent income! It would be wonderful if we could bank most of one of our paychecks, using the other one to live on. We'll see how God decides to bless us - even hard times can be a blessing. He is the one who provides the opportunities for us, and He is the one who provides life for each day. We have so much to be thankful for!

thankful, and looking forward to rest

whew. I just got back from a 10-day tour with my college choir, and it went well! Most details fell into place as planned, people were friendly, and we had safe travel. Our concerts were also good, despite some less-than-perfect spaces for choral music. Sadly, though, many students got sick on our tour. There was one night when 15 of our 63 singers were sitting out - that hurts!

Our final concert was Sunday, and it went well! We sang in our college's chapel, which brought back many lovely memories for me. My parents and my husband were able to be there, and it was wonderful to look out on the audience and see faces I know and love.

This tour, I served as the Choir Manager, which means that I was the primary contact person for each of our destinations. I planned our itinerary, booked hotels, served as mediator for some other housing arrangements, managed details of our concert dress, and made sure we had adequate first aid supplies, thank you notes, and friendly "how to stay healthy" reminders. The more difficult things for me were making corrections to choir members' behavior. This is a real challenge as a peer leader, even though I am at least three years older than most of the students. I found that my height (or lack thereof) and my smallish, high-pitched voice presented a logistical challenge when I needed to speak to the whole group and direct them to do certain things. I ended up appointing some "surrogate" leaders who would follow my directions and announce things to the choir as needed. Happily, most choir members were eager to follow and do what I asked.

I enjoyed being in Florida - what a treat to see sunshine, birds, flowers, and green leaves! It was lovely to walk to the beach from some of our performance venues, wearing flip flops and summery dress clothes. I enjoyed being with my friend, Nicki, and getting to know some other choir members. It was good for me to see the inner workings of tour, and to better understand the job of the director. It's a very big thing.

All this to say, I am thankful for safety, good music, a wonderful director, and good friends. Most of all, though, I'm so grateful to be home with my husband, whom I have missed dearly these past ten days. I'm really frustrated that I'll have to leave early tomorrow morning to go to a four-day conference in Chicago. I just wish I could stay home with him!

However, this conference is a great professional opportunity for me. It's expensive, inconvenient, and means another four days without my hubby, but I'm trusting that it will be worth it. At least, I'm trying to trust!

More and more I've been thinking about what God might want for me, and I really feel peaceful about the thought that I might not have a career in music education that lasts longer than a few years. I think it seems like having this graduate degree will be good for me, but that I'm being called to motherhood. I wonder...

sunday minus the sun

it was a long day for me - up early to do both services at church, and not only to be there, but to actually plan and participate in all the music for both services (which are completely different musical formats). herculean, if i do say so myself. things went pretty well...

lunch was less than spectacular, though my husband may beg to differ. i made omelettes that definitely were not photo-worthy, but tasted okay. i wish that i had taken the time to make a real Sunday dinner for him like i did all of last year. it was just too much to fit in today.

quarterly church meeting was tonight, and i was waaaay tired. had a tough time concentrating, and some disturbing acid reflux to complete the discomfort of being there. it's emotional to be there right now, knowing that we'll be leaving soon for a new town/school/church/home. transition isn't my favorite.

on positive notes, many people enjoyed the music this morning. i had specific compliments on my piano playing, which was extra nice. i got to burn my lilac-scented candle today - a spring-only sort of thing. my flowers outside look lovely. i got to wear a cute skirt this morning and enjoyed my preppy pink raincoat and argyle print umbrella. my husband loves and supports me. and I get to go to sleep now, knowing that tomorrow is a full day in which i will earn money at four different jobs, see a dress rehearsal for a friend's recital, and finally see my husband at 7:30pm.

feelings are not good at telling the truth

sometimes I feel like my career so far - if you can call it that - has been a blip on the radar or a shooting star. I feel like the things that I've done are good, and that I have been successful, but that I was brilliant for a short time and then disappeared from the sky.

will I have the chance to make a difference like that again? will i have a long term career? do I want that?

it's a good thing that feelings are not (always) truth.

this is an interim time, a dry spell, a cloud across the horizon. I will have the chance to shine again, and it will be good. I will have the opportunity to use my music skills and to teach what I love. but this time is necessary, too.

my husband will finish his degree soon, and then I hope to complete a masters' program, too. (this is slightly scary, since I have not been practicing, and since I am unsure of what program I want to pursue, at all!)
after that, I may teach a couple years, but we want to start a family. I think it's really important that children have their mother or father at home to nurture them, to teach them, and to provide a stable, consistent environment.I don't want to be working at a job other than mothering if I can help it at that point in time.

side note: I love chocolate. one of the realtors here at work gave me a recipe for 5-minute chocolate cake in a mug... I can't wait to try it! maybe tonight. and this dove chocolate square is melting in my mouth. mmmmmmm!

I may be able to teach some private lessons. it does take a lot of work and contacts to build a private studio, but hopefully that will be easier to accomplish through the church that we will be attending at that point. I do think I can balance that and mothering, especially if I can teach during naps. anyone think that's unrealistic? perhaps. or we can put the little one in a play area nearby and begin to teach the baby music, too. oh, yes.

all of my future dreams involve a little bit of fear for me. I suppose that is a normal feeling. Ipray that it won't get in the way of my courage to try! I know the sting of rejection, and hope that I don't have to face that again. iI pray that I have the courage, persistence, and will to build up my skills again to an audition-worthy level, and that I will not be too critical of myself.

I have started to put together a scrapbook to celebrate our first year of marriage. so far, I've done four 8x8 pages - moving day, some pictures of our little apartment, and pictures of the beautiful surrounding area. I need to get some more prints, though. the book is turning out really cute! I would like some more scrapbook papers, too, but we'll see what comes of that. sometimes I am more creative when i don't have exactly what I need, or rather, what I want.

maybe that's what God is getting at in my life. I do have everything I need, but not everything I want. I may need to be more creative with my life at this point, and I know I need to be a good steward of the gifts I have been given (hence the need to practice).

may the Lord grant me the strength to daily accomplish His will for my life, the patience to wait for His timing, and the joy and ability to do all things well.