Wednesday, June 13, 2012

blue days

For the past two years, I've lived a very busy, high-stress life. My days have been scheduled by the hour. My planner saw a lot of use! However, that time of extreme busyness has come to a sudden stop. Sudden quiet. Sudden lack of schedule. Sudden lack of income. Hours where I can do anything I want or need with no requirements or homework or planning. Hours of empty freedom.

Oh, change. The only constant in life is change, right?

I graduated, packed up, cleaned up, and we moved to a new city. I celebrated getting to live together with the hubby again, then I cleaned, unpacked, arranged, organized, cleaned some more, figured out how to get to the grocery, located the thrift stores, and then...

...just nothing. No job interviews, no huge to-do list. I took up meal planning, which I probably should have been doing all along. I actually plan to mop again today - this is unusual for me! I cleaned the windows in the entry stairway, planted pachysandra in front of the porch, and even put in some annual flowers near our front steps.

Then, I had an interview at Macy's - a very cloudy, rainy day. Imagine me trying to keep my just-a-bit-too-long pant legs out of the puddles while juggling an umbrella and my full leather tote bag in the wind and rain... I'm sure I was a sight! The interview was fine, but I know I'm overqualified for the position. They were surprised when I handed them a resume - let's just leave it at that.
Who knows if they'll even call me back.

That was a very low day. I cried off and on for no reason. The rain and dark skies sure didn't help! I'm a sunshine-lovin' girl. I couldn't make myself get up off the couch. I tried doing things I like - knitting, crafts, painting, reading, eating a grape popsicle - nothing was fun. I did the dishes numbly. I felt fat, even though I know that this belly is a good sign that Baby is growing and healthy. It meant the world to me when my mom called, and reminded me that this might not just be a "sad" day. This might be depression.

Just like when I was first married. We had spent a sweet week of togetherness, then packed and moved to our new place, 3 hours' drive from anyone we knew and loved. He had a part-time job right away, which left me home with piles of boxes. I attacked those boxes - cleaned, organized, put away. Lifted more than I should have. I went running often, ate way too little, and cried almost every day. I couldn't look at wedding photos without tears. What should have been the happiest months of my life were incredibly lonely, sad times. No job, a very busy hubby at grad school, no friends, and a very tiny apartment with nothing left to clean or organize or decorate.

After a while, when I finally did have a job, things felt better. I didn't love my job, but at least I was contributing some pennies to our account. I started eating more appropriately, and still exercised. We made some friends at church, and things turned around. I adjusted, and learned to like it, even love it, there in our new home.

So now, I know everything will work out. I just have to make it through this sad time. I know Hubby will come home each day, and I will have a hug and someone to talk to who understands. (Oscar-cat is cute, and talks back, but isn't anywhere close to human, of course.) I don't have to wait until the weekend to see him, and I don't have to go to counseling to feel like I can actually be myself. I have to make good choices about my body and health - not just physically, but emotionally, too. It will be so helpful once we've found a church to call home. Once I have a schedule that's more than this:

7:44am - get up with Hubby, make breakfast and his lunch, then do the dishes. Shower, maybe. Think about what other household chores I can do. Can I find an excuse to leave the house? Groceries? Bank? Thrifting? No, we don't have any extra money right now.
12 noon - eat something. Try to make it nutritious.
2pm - nap? If I feel like it.
5pm - what last minute cleaning can I do before Hubby comes home?
6pm - begin to make dinner
10pm - try to make it until now before going to bed.

And just this morning, I got a call for a teaching interview - a long term sub position. That would be a good thing! Experience, something to get my name out there, and ending just in time for me to have Baby. Praying that God will help me to know what decision to make if I'm offered the position. Hoping that I'm offered the position!

Today it is sunny. I know rain will come again, but I'm praying that I can face it with more strength.

1 comment:

Andy and Kristen said...

Oh, friend. I can totally relate to this in so many ways. I have a hard time even when I'm alone for a day or two. I'm not good with unstructured idle time. I do ok for a while (I am quite introverted, as it turns out), but too long and I start getting sad and lonely. So glad you got an interview, and hoping you get offered the position!