opening my heart's door

It's a really hard thing for me to share my real self with people. I'm cute, serious, silly, underestimated, talented, knowledgeable, surprising. Efficient, firm, kind, friendly, dependable, diligent. That's what people see.

My conducting mentor often reminds his ensemble that to sing well, to communicate well, we have to use both our minds and our hearts. The voice is optimally placed in-between. It makes a good metaphor. We'll come back to this.

I've always been a color-in-the-lines, follow-the-rules sort of girl. If there's a good reason for something, if there's a way to achieve beauty, a fast and efficient method for work, I'll be doing it that way. If I can do something well, I sometimes do not feel motivated to do that something better.

But aren't you a perfectionist, Linnea? Yes, sometimes. No, not always. I have trouble doing what recipes say, because I know that changing the outcome is often okay, even better. I hesitate to buy the Gap skirt/sweater/accessory because I think I can make one. It's okay with me that the vacuum lines on the carpet don't line up, and that there are dishes in the sink.

It really scares me when things are not in control. Things like how I've inadvertently gained 5 pounds over the last four months on this new bc pill. Things like my husband's new job situation and the ways we're having to compromise to allow me to still go to school. Things like family holiday plans and trying to balance both sides of our family. Things like allowing singers to really sing without me dictating every note. Allowing my house to be messy when I truly can't fix it. Stepping back from a volunteer position at church. Saying "I don't know" and feeling okay with it. Being honest with my conducting mentor and checking myself into counseling so that I can deal with these issues. Asking for help.

I've realized lately that I can't do these things on my own. Surprise, former perfectionist: you are not able to actually be perfect. Excellent, yes. Joyful, yes. But those abilities are enabled by the grace of God. You have many talents. You have a loving family. You are doing well at school. All you have to be is you. Surprised? And who you are is good enough.

Good enough. Even excellent. Maybe someday, great. Not famous, not necessarily. Not the best. But if what I'm working on - opening up my heart and being the real me - brings glory to God, I am doing well.

I am trying to let go. Feeling the rope burn in my hand from holding onto the kite string in a turbulent storm, trying to believe that things won't fall apart if I am not the one in control. Realizing that I have never been in control, but that God always has been and always will be. Trying to remember that I have to use my voice, and that it should be a true representation of what's going on in me - heart and head. That my emotions are not trivial things to be buried, but human expressions that allow me to better communicate and to enable art in music, relationships, life. If I let people see that I'm broken, I take a big risk, but I let them know that I am real, accessible, genuine. That I care deeply.

Praying that I will be able to gracefully share my heart, using my head knowledge and my hands as the vehicle. May what I conduct, what I suggest, shape, show in choral sound - may that be a reflection of God's work in me, and enable others to express the beauty, pain, joy, sorrow that is the human experience. May His grace be apparent in how I live, think, speak, move. May He guard and guide my heart, and keep my mind in perfect peace.

tired. happy. and a little nervous.

it has been a beautiful sunny day in the land of Linnea. however, she woke up with very itchy eyes and hasn't been able to wear her contacts. blasted allergies.

worship rehearsal was this morning, and it's nice to not be the leader this time. this is a full month for me - two auditions, leading worship often, a musical at the end of the month, and Easter prep thrown in for good measure. so much to do.

i came home shortly after noon, and couldn't find anything i wanted for lunch in the fridge. call it the American overprivileged attitude, call it the stomach flu i had the past three days - nothing looked good. in fact, i threw out a bunch of stuff that i didn't eat this week because of being sick. is this a bad thing? well, the stuff i threw out was bad. so DH took me out to lunch - i haven't had an Arby's jr. roast beef in ages. it was yummy, of course.

good news - found my sunglasses. this made me smile! i had purchased these sunglasses before we were married so that i could use them on our beachy honeymoon, and they mean a lot to me just for that reason. so glad i found them. besides all that, they're really pretty.

i spent a lot of the afternoon cleaning (read: not moving much at all from the couch beginning tuesday afternoon through wednesday afternoon = messy house and neglected chores), since DH's composition student and her mom were coming over to do some recording this afternoon. i wore myself out. i just don't have the energy that i'm used to just yet.
regardless, my house looks much better than this morning. yay.

it didn't feel like a saturday. can i have another one, please?

i'm working on preparing for my grad school auditions (aforementioned), and i had a fabulous voice lesson yesterday to check up on the work i've been doing. the teacher was so encouraging and helpful! i would enjoy studying with her. i wonder if God will have us stay here, or if His plans will lead us somewhere else. i'm trying to listen and to be open to where He would have us be. it's not easy. But the voice lesson was great! i have some good pointers to help me to put the finishing touches on my audition music before this coming friday. thanks are due to a good friend who's in the grad program here and recommended that i study with this teacher.

as to the conducting portion of auditions, i have a beefy Bach piece to delve into some more. it's one of those beautiful German double-choir motets with long melismatic passages between the voice parts. so lovely. but so full of stuff to understand, interpret, and teach. this would not be so bad if i had been the director, choosing music back in june, studying it all summer, and presenting it to a choir in september. as it stands, i received the music just a month ago. i've done a herford analysis, which is helpful, but i still can't get the tune solidly ingrained in my skull. oh, to have choir every day! i miss that about my undergraduate work. and about teaching. to sing every day...to have (or make) real time for singing every day.

all this to say: i'm a little nervous. i'm not sure that i'll be showing my best self, considering the way that i've been stretched, overexterted, and pressed for time. it's wickedly difficult to hold five jobs (teaching piano, accompanying class voice, nannying, church music administration, accompanying the high school musical) and to still care for my husband and home. and kitty cat. how do working moms do this? hire out? i haven't been able to put much time in. this blog thing isn't helping, except to relax me before i dive back into Bach's blackness. (love that alliteration.)

sweet note - Green&Black's organic chocolate is amazing.

i love the sparkling snow and how it dusts the pine tree out my window. God is good.
i love when my husband's smile is so sincere that he gets little dimples in his cheeks - when he's looking at me.

and i really do have more than i need. so many blessings. and so much need for God's strength, courage, and direction in my life. don't we all?