Trying to rest

Last Sunday's sermon was about observing real Sabbaths, real days of rest. I'm really bad at the whole taking a break and resting thing. My to-do list, though often made only in my mind, still haunts me to the point of exhaustion.

Do the laundry. Wash dishes. Scoop the litter. Sweep floors. Make the bed. Install the carseat. Return the multiples of registry items. Eat something. (Yes, that feels like a chore sometimes.) nap. Make something for dinner. Figure out what insurance plan to choose.

Today and yesterday both, I was able to nap. I just surrendered to the comfy couch and slept: a very good thing. Even today, I still feel exhausted, though I did nap.

Baby is making his cramped quarters well known to me. I can often feel his feet pushing on my ribs, which in turn makes his little bottom press on my belly and his head & fists push on my pelvis. I love feeling his movements and knowing he'll be out soon! His crib is assembled, clothes are washed, and his carseat is in the car. I've packed a hospital bag (and repacked), written a last-minute list of things to get before we leave, and made some arrangements with our family. I've chosen a pediatrician. I still need to fill out the preregistration paperwork for the hospital, and I'm still considering a birthing plan.

Exhausting, indeed. Pray that I'm able to find rest as we count down the days to our son's birth!

thanks for today, bright hope for tomorrow

The first pumpkin pie of the season, from scratch, of course.

"...blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside." From the hymn Great is Thy Faithfulness - and God's faithfulness to us has truly been great.

Early this week, my husband was just hired at a new job! He had been out of work for exactly six months, and God provided for our needs in every bit of that "desert" time. Like the Israelites who spent 40 years in the desert after their flight from Egypt, our shoes and clothes did not wear out, we did not go hungry, and God blessed us beyond our need. Friends sent anonymous checks. The insurance money from my February accident paid for six months of bills. A couple we barely know felt led to give us their 2003 Jeep. For free. I found a three-week job teaching music. We celebrated our third anniversary. We were able to pay for my third semester of grad school, out of pocket, without taking another loan. My textbooks were mercifully inexpensive. We haven't had any medical bills. There have been no more accidents. We had the money to replace a cracked radiator in one of the cars. He has been faithful to us.

And He has given us hope for tomorrow. Hubby's new job is in a city with many possibilities for me as a music teacher. The position is one where he has set hours, the possibility of twice-a-year raises in his salary, and it's a positive work environment. The new apartments he has been looking at in the area seem nice, and the people seem friendly. This will mean a challenge for us in some ways, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel: graduation is coming. In another six months, I will have completed my degree. We can look for a more permanent place to live. We can build more permanent ties with a church and community. We can even (perhaps!) begin a family together. There is hope for tomorrow.

Here are some things I took joy in today:

We live in a place with so much beauty!

A walk along our road...

...the beautiful repeating pattern of thistles
and the star-shaped skeletons of summer's flowerseven dried-out corn has some sort of beauty, poetry to it - And who but God could have dreamed of rainbow colored leaves?
Just beautiful.

unfinished.

I have this bad habit of starting projects but not finishing them. Two examples are the it-was-supposed-to-be-a-duck, but now it's an owl crocheted toy thing, and the braided rug made from vintage sheets. I'm not sure what happened to the cross stitched pansy sampler I began when I was seven, but I think it's still in my mom's cross stitch bag. And the booties for baby K? They sat without buttons for months. Cleaning the house? I did start...

I'm a work in progress, too, and I'm glad to know that God's not finished with me. Someday, though.

Today I completely screwed up my priorities. We were visiting friends, and suffice it to say, I put my friends before my hubby. It was inconsiderate and thoughtless of me. I realized (again) just how much I need God's help to be anywhere near good, and how much I need my husband. He is such a forgiving man, even when I really upset him.

I'm glad that I'm not finished yet. I can see that I have a lot of growing to do, and I hope that I'm always malleable and able to change to be better. And to finish what I start. And to put my priorities in order.

a hymn for unemployment

For any circumstance, really! This hymn by Frances Ridley Havergal (1836-1879) is set to a familiar tune by Samuel Wesley (1810-1876) - "The Church's One Foundation."

Another Year is Dawning

Another year is dawning: Dear Father let it be,
In working or in waiting, Another year with thee;
Another year of progress, Another year of praise,
Another year of proving Thy presence all the days;

Another year of mercies, Of faithfulness and grace;
Another year of gladness In the shining of thy face;
Another year of leaning Upon thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting, Of quiet, happy rest;

Another year of service, Of witness for thy love;
Another year of training For holier work above.
Another year is dawning: Dear Father, let it be,
On earth or else in heaven, Another year for thee.

1st day of school: done.

my entrance exams are done, and I feel that I may have done alright. my graduate assistantship duties are many and diverse. I am no longer very sick. I love choir and feel privileged to be there. I look like a professional... a professional student.

my first day of class was a unique one, in that I was the only person in my first class. It could make for an interesting semester. Our first performance also went reasonably well, for only having one hour's rehearsal for both movement and music.

I've jumped in with both feet in starting my graduate assistant duties, which involve the minutiae of choir management. I'm beginning to think that I need an assistant, myself, once I get back to the teaching world. Students, prepare to accept responsibility.

Tonight presents the opportunity to attend a recital by a colleague and friend. I am hoping to have most things done so that I can be there. We'll see.

And then, there's this organizational issue of finding time to exercise often and well. I hope to fit in some Pilates this afternoon, but running in 90 degree heat is out of the question.

Here I go.

taking a few little steps

i started my job at our church on Tuesday afternoon. i was immediately inundated with a (rather loud) tutorial for one of the programs, graciously given by the youth director (who took an hour of his time to help me). the hours since were a flurry of new passwords, learning how to use both a planning website and a powerpoint-like presentation program for creating song slide shows. part of my challenge was to transfer over the main name on the accounts to my name, as i am now the administrator for them. this took some round-about work, but it's all worked out now. one headache, six hours, and many emails and tutorials later. did i tell you? it's a worship and music coordinator position. 10 hours/week, paid (pretty well, actually). i'm really happy to be serving in this way, and to be administrating music. it seems like the skills i learned in realty are paying off a bit, which is gratifying. it's so nice to also be able to use my music knowledge!

i have also been hired to accompany for some concerts at an area elementary school, and i am officially on the active sub list for the district. i have one piano/clarinet student, and i may get some more students in a bit. i've put out my business cards and contacted the music teachers at the area schools - who knows? maybe i'll have a full studio by the end of the year.

Oscar, my kitten, is growing like crazy. When we first got him, his collar was about two inches too big, even on the smallest hole. Now he's wearing it on the smallest hole....cute.

it has been a difficult beginning to the school year - my husband is so very busy, and we hardly ever see each other. it's heartbreaking. i really never thought he would have to work and do school at the same time, and it's really draining for him. my job alone isn't enough to cover our expenses, and neither is his job. i know that God will get us through, and i'm trying to trust.

feelings are not good at telling the truth

sometimes I feel like my career so far - if you can call it that - has been a blip on the radar or a shooting star. I feel like the things that I've done are good, and that I have been successful, but that I was brilliant for a short time and then disappeared from the sky.

will I have the chance to make a difference like that again? will i have a long term career? do I want that?

it's a good thing that feelings are not (always) truth.

this is an interim time, a dry spell, a cloud across the horizon. I will have the chance to shine again, and it will be good. I will have the opportunity to use my music skills and to teach what I love. but this time is necessary, too.

my husband will finish his degree soon, and then I hope to complete a masters' program, too. (this is slightly scary, since I have not been practicing, and since I am unsure of what program I want to pursue, at all!)
after that, I may teach a couple years, but we want to start a family. I think it's really important that children have their mother or father at home to nurture them, to teach them, and to provide a stable, consistent environment.I don't want to be working at a job other than mothering if I can help it at that point in time.

side note: I love chocolate. one of the realtors here at work gave me a recipe for 5-minute chocolate cake in a mug... I can't wait to try it! maybe tonight. and this dove chocolate square is melting in my mouth. mmmmmmm!

I may be able to teach some private lessons. it does take a lot of work and contacts to build a private studio, but hopefully that will be easier to accomplish through the church that we will be attending at that point. I do think I can balance that and mothering, especially if I can teach during naps. anyone think that's unrealistic? perhaps. or we can put the little one in a play area nearby and begin to teach the baby music, too. oh, yes.

all of my future dreams involve a little bit of fear for me. I suppose that is a normal feeling. Ipray that it won't get in the way of my courage to try! I know the sting of rejection, and hope that I don't have to face that again. iI pray that I have the courage, persistence, and will to build up my skills again to an audition-worthy level, and that I will not be too critical of myself.

I have started to put together a scrapbook to celebrate our first year of marriage. so far, I've done four 8x8 pages - moving day, some pictures of our little apartment, and pictures of the beautiful surrounding area. I need to get some more prints, though. the book is turning out really cute! I would like some more scrapbook papers, too, but we'll see what comes of that. sometimes I am more creative when i don't have exactly what I need, or rather, what I want.

maybe that's what God is getting at in my life. I do have everything I need, but not everything I want. I may need to be more creative with my life at this point, and I know I need to be a good steward of the gifts I have been given (hence the need to practice).

may the Lord grant me the strength to daily accomplish His will for my life, the patience to wait for His timing, and the joy and ability to do all things well.

surprised by joy

here's my little garden! i'm so happy to have a space to grow pretty flowers.
i made the stone garden myself - found the rocks, dug up the dirt, and put the bulbs in the dirt.
God makes it grow.
:o)

"Surprised by Joy" is the title of the book I'm reading by C.S. Lewis. Happily enough, the random "religious places" picture on my igoogle page yesterday was of his home and the schools where he taught. I love reading his work, and it's nice to have something to visualize as i read.

today has been full of little tasks - the kind that become annoying when there are so many of them. this kind of work frustrates me because it takes so little time to complete, it doesn't amount to much, and it eats up time that could be otherwise spent. not that i would like my work to cease, just that it would be nice to have bigger, longer tasks. still hoping for that music job. we'll see!

this is the prettiest yellow tulip in my tiny garden. random notes, i know.

mmm...the apple tarts i made in a cupcake tin. they turned out so tasty!

what to do

just found out today that one of the lesbian couples at work is having a "commitment" ceremony and they're throwing a shower during work hours.

i disagree with the gay/lesbian/transsexual/bisexual lifestyle, as i believe it is morally wrong. they can do what they want to, but i don't agree with or support their choices.

so. what is a Christian to do in this situation? i am supposed to (according to the voice mail) rsvp for this shower and say that i'm attending. i plan to stay here at my desk and work really hard. it is the busy season, after all, right? i want very much to be the kind, caring person that people look forward to seeing when they walk in the door, and i'm not going to compromise my beliefs by going to something like this.

not. going. to.

my only qualm is the possibility that i might offend these women. i need to be on each realtor's good side here so that i can pleasantly do the work they hand to me. there must be no reason for any one of them to think that i don't like or don't care about them. This is the quandry.

i must be busy - so incredibly busy on that day - so that i simply cannot attend. this is the easy way out.

but what is the right way out?

here i am

at work. still. and wondering what my day really amounted to - did i do anything eternally worthwhile? really, was putting in one new house listing, printing and emailing statistics, and putting together the daily report really that interesting? or helpful?

i should have taken the day off.

on the other hand, it's a lovely day. i had a nice walk/jog at lunchtime, and it was beautiful! it's "warm" again - in the 20's (Farenheit). The sunshine was a nice change of pace.

tonight my husband and i may go out to celebrate an early Valentine's Day...next weekend will be inconvenient for us. and who's to say that Valentine's Day can't be early? i like it. Even if we just stay in and dedicate the time to each other, that will be enough.

still so in love.

and i know i will be for the rest of my life.

snowy

it has been snowing all day so far - i woke up to big fluffy fake-looking flakes that looked like they belonged on a movie set in the middle of the summer. it's really pretty snow, and i'm enjoying watching it fall as i sit here at my desk. the only downside to snow is the driving in it. well, and the cold. but only one of those is preventable, so i'll just try to be happy anyway.

so we bought a new car... and we're picking it up tomorrow. it'll be so much easier for us to be able to fulfill our scheduled commitments. i really hope it turns out to be great! my husband is excited about having a car at all, and the fact that it's a bit sporty makes him happy. (ps - it's fire engine red! whoa!)

before things really got going this morning at work, i was able to take a few minutes to sketch a picture of a red-breasted nuthatch on a piece of scrap paper. i used a photo that one of my flickr friends took as a reference point. it turned out alright - i haven't sketched much lately. i should get back into that.

speaking of which - i should be getting back to practicing piano and voice. and doing art more often than once in a blue moon.

and i should get back to work.

i am thankful that God provides the work of our hands.

beauty and pain

these red beauties are mine! my husband gave them to me to celebrate our 1/2 year wedding anniversary...he's so sweet to me.

this would be an example of me having fun with a camera. i also discovered that i hate kodak easyshare cameras - it's incredibly difficult to get a good, clear macro with realistic color.

today i have the worst headache i've had in a long time. it was one of those that you wake up with, that's just a dull ache for a while. after lunch, it got so much worse! i took extra meds, took a nap, and i feel a bit better now. i'm hoping it's gone for when we head out to dinner tonight.

the roses my husband gave me for our 6-months-of-married-bliss celebration are still gorgeous, but have just a hint of dark red around the edges. i know it won't be long before they're past, but i like them! i'm enjoying that little bit of beauty in my home. my husband loves me, and i'm so very grateful. he just kissed me...so sweet.

most of our friends should be back in town tonight, since the semester starts up again on tuesday. i'm excited to reconnect! it should be good.

i've agreed to plan and lead the music for our church's womens' retreat in mid-february. it should be pretty low-key (haha), just me and a friend of mine who plays the guitar. i think i even have the retreat cost covered, which is a mini-miracle, since we have very limited funds right now. it's pretty stressful.

the hubby's car broke down a few weeks ago, and my father in law (mechanic with pretty sweet skills for fixing stuff) took it to see if he could figure out the issue. bottom line is apparently that the car can't be fixed for less than it's worth, and we're turning in the plates. we need another car really fast... my husband's school schedule and my work schedule don't really mesh so well this semester. we're not sure what we're going to do, but somehow, i know God will help us through.

we're here for a reason. we have to be. there's no other way.

and i know it's for our good.

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 corinthians 15:57

have i mentioned that i love chocolate? I'm actually slightly allergic to it - it makes me sneeze - but i loooove it. i'm enjoying brownies right now - that's one of today's blessings. i'm really glad for those little extras. it makes the coming home from work routine so much more relaxing!

work today was relatively busy, which was actually nice. i enjoyed having things to do. i'm so exhausted when i come home, though. i don't know how working moms do this! i really hope i can stay home with my children when they come along. i also didn't know how exhausting an 8 hour work day is, even with an hour lunch. my lunch today was eaten up by trying to survive the freezing wind and rain as i mailed a package at the post office and got lost on my way back to the office. my intuitive directional skills came in handy, though, and i actually arrived back within 10 minutes of the end of my lunch. whew. embarassment avoided this time - i'll have to get directions next time. the one way streets here really throw me off sometimes!
there's this one street that's actually split - it runs on either side of a creek, and the lanes are tiny and poorly paved. and wouldn't you know - i ended up on that road. in the rain. yuck!

i'm extra thankful for my new parka on a day like today. it was a great deal, and i'm really happy with it. it's not my favorite colors, but it looks cute with my pink scarf, so i guess it's okay. the coat is a dusty olive color, with minty accent panels and a feminine shape...and it repels water really well, and is lined with super soft fleece. i felt blessed.

my dear husband is gone again tonight - he decided to be in the pit band for a musical, and tonight is the night they go through the entire production with the cast for the first time. i won't even see him... :o( he slept in today, so i just kissed him goodbye as i was leaving for work. i miss him. it's lonely in our little apartment without anyone else here!

i've been thankful for the extra time i have in the mornings. i can fit in relaxed devotions, a cup of tea, and still do my hair, and even makeup, if i wanted to. i would really like to be going for a run in the mornings, but it has been too dark to be safe. we live in an area that has relatively low visibility on the roads, and i just wouldn't be comfortable with running in the early light or the twilight. i've been going for brisk walks on my breaks at work, but i'm not sure how i'm going to keep it up when the weather gets as bad as it was today. i'm hoping to find a way to exercise inside (without paying for a gym membership). ah, the dilemmas of a desk job.

on a pleasant note, i'm almost finished with a baby blanket i'm knitting for a friend of mine - her baby boy is due in january. the blanket is light blue and white striped, knit in a chunky homespun style yarn. it's coming together quickly! i love to see progress.

happy saturday

mmmm. i had forgotten how nice it is to sleep until the moment i feel like waking up. the only sad thing about waking up was the headache i had and the absence of my husband snoring next to me. he had to leave early this morning for a tournament a few hours away. i was looking forward to a lazy saturday morning with my dear husband. well, anyway, i'll have time to do some knitting, get a little laundry in, and maybe even decorate some cookies. i'll call my friend Edna and see if she'd like to meet me at the shopping mall. i need some new shoes, since mine broke on the job thursday.

my cute little brown clogs, with comfortable heels and a little strap with a buckle, have been with me for a little more than six years. i bought them just before college, wore them everywhere, and they have survived a lot of scuffing, pounding, and teaching. thursday, as i was wearing them on the job, i managed to catch the buckle on a cabinet edge as i went by. the little elastic that holds the buckle on, and the leather itself, actually ripped so badly that it's beyond repair. i felt embarrassed, which is probably irrational, but i did. i wonder if i should buy the cheap new ones i saw at target, or if i should wait and try to find better ones at a department store somewhere. i wear a small size, and it's hard to find. most department stores don't actually carry the size, unless i try a children's size shoe. it's frustrating, but i like my little feet.

today's blessings: hot tea, cuddly soft sweatshirts, and flowers.