on missing him

Maybe you already know that right now, for a variety of reasons, Hubby works in a different city during the week. We get to be together on weekends, and the light at the end of this tunnel is my graduation from my master's degree program. Cannot wait. At the same time, I'm overwhelmed and stressed with the volume of work and seemingly insurmountable tasks that make up my days. "Soon enough," hubby says. I try really hard to believe that.

And I miss him like crazy. I keep telling myself that it could be much worse: he could be gone for months or even years, fighting a war for the safety of this place I call home. But it hurts so much to have to say goodbye every weekend, to not share the normal minutia of life. It hurts to know that he's hurting, that he's longing as desperately for me as I am for him.

Sometimes when I'm upset, my brain works better in poetry, music, or art. I feel better if I can create. So as he left for work last night, I redecorated the dining room table. I cried. I tried a new recipe. I sang. I prayed. And I wrote poetic prose:

The moment you got in the car, I missed you.
You are my home, my anchor.
I feel lost at sea on a cloudy night
Without the stars from which to take
A direction.
I long for you more than words can explain.
I love you.

Today there were thunderstorms and rain. At the same time, the sun was shining, daffodils were blooming, and there was a magnificent complete rainbow with a mirrored reflection, and tiny willow leaves against the darkbluegray sky.

Today there was heartache and stress. At the same time, I wore a pretty gray dress with a spring-green cardigan, took a single daffodil to school in a vase, had enough to eat, and had moments of wonder. Soon, I will rest in safety.

Soon, I will rest with my husband in a place that is ours together every day. Soon, I'll reach the summit of this mountain called a Masters Program. Soon.

Soon.

Soon...

Praying for strength for today, and hope for tomorrow. Remembering my blessings, and cherishing the man who is my husband. Trusting the God who gave him to me and me to him. Believing that together will really come "soon enough."

And letting the tears fall. 

a bump in the road

At the risk of being vague, my husband and I are unexpectedly receiving some of the raindrops that God uses to carry life's blessings. I have shed very few tears over this turn of events, and we're both trusting that there must be something wonderful around the corner. Nevertheless, it hurts. It's difficult to focus on schoolwork, to see our friends able to do things that we simply can't. It's frustrating to know that what we thought was secure is not.

But we have each other, and a God whose eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen from what has been made. He does not change like shifting shadows, and he is from everlasting to everlasting. My life circumstances are confusing, troublesome, and unfair from any human perspective, but God is in control of the outcome. He will have the glory, and he will work in and through me to achieve his work. May I be a humble, willing, worthy vessel through both the times of joy and this time of pain.

me minus a job = God has other plans

but it doesn't mean i like it.
sure, this wasn't my favorite job, but i have been grateful for it. i'm thankful for the money that i made by doing this.
i feel angry at my managers for the way they handled this. not only did they give me just under 2 weeks notice, they then asked me to stay silent about it until today, when they announced that i was leaving at the weekly meeting. oh, and the reason? they're downsizing. the economy is poor. we have more staff per agents than other offices in other cities. we're not making as much as we used to. they're cutting my position and spreading out my jobs around the other staff members (who are already quite busy, thank you).

and all they said at the meeting: "she's leaving, she has some leads on jobs, and we wish her well." nothing about "our company is downsizing" or "this was not her decision." it makes me angry, because now i have 75 agents saying to me "oh, we'll miss you," "why are you leaving?," "do you have a teaching job?" No, actually, the truth is that i'm completely unemployed.
my husband is also unemployed.

this is when i have to thank God for the money he has allowed us to save, and that we will somehow make it through the summer, even if neither one of us gets a job.

breathing.

all that said, it hurts. i want to cry. i want to yell at them that this puts me in an extremely difficult situation, that my husband's grad school expenses and our housing have eaten most of my salary, that i'm not sure if i can make it through the summer even if i do get a teaching job for next fall. i feel angry, disappointed, dropped, discarded, worthless, and betrayed. not to mention scared.

i just want to cry, and i can't do that here. can i?

i realize that God has other plans, and that something will work out rather well for us. We need to try to trust Him. i know. it should be easy, right? He hasn't failed me, and I know He won't.

it still hurts.

beauty and pain

these red beauties are mine! my husband gave them to me to celebrate our 1/2 year wedding anniversary...he's so sweet to me.

this would be an example of me having fun with a camera. i also discovered that i hate kodak easyshare cameras - it's incredibly difficult to get a good, clear macro with realistic color.

today i have the worst headache i've had in a long time. it was one of those that you wake up with, that's just a dull ache for a while. after lunch, it got so much worse! i took extra meds, took a nap, and i feel a bit better now. i'm hoping it's gone for when we head out to dinner tonight.

the roses my husband gave me for our 6-months-of-married-bliss celebration are still gorgeous, but have just a hint of dark red around the edges. i know it won't be long before they're past, but i like them! i'm enjoying that little bit of beauty in my home. my husband loves me, and i'm so very grateful. he just kissed me...so sweet.

most of our friends should be back in town tonight, since the semester starts up again on tuesday. i'm excited to reconnect! it should be good.

i've agreed to plan and lead the music for our church's womens' retreat in mid-february. it should be pretty low-key (haha), just me and a friend of mine who plays the guitar. i think i even have the retreat cost covered, which is a mini-miracle, since we have very limited funds right now. it's pretty stressful.

the hubby's car broke down a few weeks ago, and my father in law (mechanic with pretty sweet skills for fixing stuff) took it to see if he could figure out the issue. bottom line is apparently that the car can't be fixed for less than it's worth, and we're turning in the plates. we need another car really fast... my husband's school schedule and my work schedule don't really mesh so well this semester. we're not sure what we're going to do, but somehow, i know God will help us through.

we're here for a reason. we have to be. there's no other way.

and i know it's for our good.

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 corinthians 15:57