struggles

I've always been one that thrives on approval, who likes a bit of a pat on the back for what I've accomplished. This is one reason that I always did so well in school; the straight-As spelled out on report cards felt so real, permanent, definitive.

Adult life isn't like that, though. No one grades your performance, regardless of how "watched" or "compared" you might feel.

And that's still hard for me to let go of.

Social networking sites could be blamed for furthering this comparison of "success" - where is she working? What has she done so far today? How did he manage to get his doctorate before I've even finished my master's degree? Why are they able to buy a house, and we're still renting an almost-good apartment? How does she manage to get all the laundry done and the whole house cleaned in one morning while she's 8 months pregnant and chasing three kids? Why? Do I measure up?

Sometimes all these success stories - innocuous in themselves, of course, and things that perhaps should be celebrated - make me feel so small. I'm happy for them, yes, but what's wrong with me? Why am I not as far along in life, so to speak, as they are? Wasn't I always at the top of my class? Then, it's easy to sink into depression for a bit. I think about the should-have, could-have, might-have-been-able-to, and I keep on feeling like I've failed, somehow. Like if my baby boy doesn't have a perfectly decorated nursery, he's going to be at a disadvantage. If I can't make good-enough Christmas gifts, we're going to look stingy, and worse, poor (but we do have so little). Like if we don't own the place we live, it can't still be the best use of our money right now. Like I should have a full-time job (what's wrong with me?), a second car, and the money to spare to be able to give to charities in the area and around the world. Like it shouldn't feel like such a terrible sacrifice to tithe. Like I should be able to go to the grocery store without planning in advance exactly what and how much I'm going to buy, because if I buy more, we'll overdraw the account.

And on a different note, I really miss making music so often. I miss having a piano in my house so that I can play a bit each day, so that hubby and I can share that together. I miss playing on the worship team; our church rarely needs us to play. We want to serve!

The pastor spoke yesterday about John the Baptist, a man that God used to prepare the way for Jesus' earthly ministry. John was a wild-looking guy, who lived and preached in the desert, an unlikely character for announcing the world's Messiah. Pastor went on to say that God will often use the ones who have little, because God's power is shown more clearly through them.

So if I don't have it all together, if we're just scraping by, but we can continue to praise God for our health, food, shelter, and each other, and of course, our salvation, what else do we need? Maybe God will use us, though we have almost nothing, to make a beautiful difference to someone else. Maybe I will be a blessing. Maybe my empty hands will be filled with something better than I thought I wanted. Maybe my hurting heart will be healed and strengthened beyond what I ever dreamed.

My hope is built on Jesus, not on what I can do, what I have, where I am in life, and how many pennies I hold. All that matters is that we continue to trust his plan for our lives, living in a way that helps others to see his work in us.

knitting for baby

It's so fun to have a reason to knit, long before Christmas presents are calling for completion. It has also been wonderful to have some cooler weather in the evenings - makes holding yarn and needles a wonderful thing!

About a week and a half ago, I cast on for this vest, using some gray Lion Brand Cotton Ease yarn that I had purchased on sale somewhere a long while ago. One skein was missing a paper label, but I don't generally see that as a big deal when I'm paying, oh, $1.50 per skein. Especially since the full price on Lion Brand's website is listed at $7.69 per skein. Yeah. Not a bad deal.

So, I forged ahead and cast on. I love knitting with cables, and was so pleased at how the back of the sweater turned out.

Here's the back of the sweater, before ribbing was added to the sleeves.

I chose to knit the 12 month size so that Baby can wear it next autumn all the way through the spring. I'm thinking it might make a really cute Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter outfit, depending on how fast the little guy grows. I also decided to leave out the buttons at the shoulder, because the v-neck looks big enough to stretch over a baby head without too much trouble.

The vest is made in two pieces - front and back - and then is sewn together before the ribbing around the arm holes and v-neck is added. I ran out of my first skein of yarn halfway up the v-neck on the left side, and joined the new skein. I knit the other side of the v-neck, seamed the shoulders and sides, and only then did I realize...

...these two skeins of gray cotton are two different dye lots.

Translation: the color is not an exact match. It's subtle, but I can see it, and it's frustrating. However, there is no way that I'm ripping out that much of a sweater; I'd have to undo the perfectly seamed sides (thankyouverymuch) and knit the entire front again. Not happening. Not until the next time I make this sweater.

In typical Linnea style, I just continued with the pattern, adding the ribbing at the arm holes. Cute.

Then I picked up stitches for the neck line, knit the five rows of ribbing as prescribed and had a second frustrating realization: there are no instructions for a decrease at the v-neck to make the ribbing lie flat.

This time, I did rip out stitches - but just three rows. I did some decreasing at the point of the "v" - as neatly as I could - and tried to make it work. I think it was somewhat successful.

See? Somewhat successful, almost-flat v-neck trim.

Most of my disappointment at this point is because I had hoped that this little project would be an exquisite heirloom, destined to be passed down from our Baby to his baby to the next baby... as long as it would last. It's really cute, but not perfect. Not a complete failure, but still sad.

I do like it, though. And I'll try again...but not for a while! Now, it's on to other little projects.

ah, sweet success

...in the form of tomato soup, that is.

Last week, we all laughed as I saved some of the fail muffins from certain doom. This week, let's celebrate a victory!!!

I found a recipe via Pinterest a long while back for a delicious-looking tomato soup. Creamy, full of veggies, and it could be made in the Crock Pot! Win.

So, I bought all the stuffs and put it all together. I pulled out the Crock Pot and the bread maker, and mere hours later, the house was full of delicious smells.

And hubby loved it.


Ah, sweet success.

P. S. You may now congratulate me: I didn't change the recipe! Well, except for using skim milk instead of half-and-half.

chocolate chip cookies!

Warm, cozy comfort food for a way-below-freezing Saturday night? Sounds amazing.

So I pulled out the Ghirardelli chips. 80% cacao. Mmmmmmmm.

I first compared the G recipe to the Nestle version (my personal favorite), and found that there are very slight differences. I proceeded to use the G recipe, measuring the flour and baking powder - no, soda - into the small mixing bowl. Check. Find salt. Added salt. Done.

Sugars - 3/4 cup of each. I pulled out the white sugar, measured, and dumped....

...into the small bowl of dry ingredients. Problem! For those of you who don't know this cookie recipe by heart: it says to put the flour, salt, and baking soda in a small bowl and sift together, and then to cream the sugars in butter in a separate, larger bowl. Once those are mixed, you add the eggs, vanilla, and very last, the flour mixture.

A mini panic session ensued for this type-A wifey. What do I do? I haven't ever screwed up the chocolate chip cookie recipe, and I've been doing this since I was 10. I can't unmix these, since I'm no chemist. I don't have a sifter. I think I'm gonna cry.

But I have a solution.

The flour/salt/powder/sugar mixture went straight into the big bowl. Added vanilla, eggs, shortening and water (in place of butter). Turned on the mixer. Poof! Dough.

Things were going well. I scraped down the sides of the bowl. And then all of a sudden, the evil dough climbed all the way up the beaters and almost reached the top of the mixer! Darn.

I ended up having to mix the rest of the dough by hand, but that's alright. It's good exercise.

I added the chocolate chips (the ENTIRE bag, thank you) and a handful of walnuts. It doesn't look half bad!

In fact, they look pretty normal. What were the recipe writers thinking? This is actually easier in some ways.

So I figured I would go ahead and bake them. No problems, just a slight cookie casualty as I was putting it on the cooling rack. That's a taste test cookie. :o) Alright! It tastes alright!

Success.

So I took a stack of these over to my hubby, who was waiting in great anticipation of these fail-cookies (which were rather successful, I think). I set the cookies down for him, and reached up to touch my hair.

It was then that I realized that I have melted chocolate on my fingers. And in my hair. Seriously?

But the cookies are delicious. Am I overtired? Has it been a draining week? Perhaps, yes.

Definitely yes. But I'm still laughing!

teaching success.

I ran an effective, positive rehearsal in Women's Choir today. The ladies sang well, and were all very attentive. More talking than I hoped for, but we'll get there. Solfege sight reading is coming along!

It's difficult to be the assistant teacher; much of what I want to do, I can't, since her decisions override mine. I made some musical decisions today that I think are sensible, but that she may well change in the next few rehearsals. I hope that she sees my opinion as valid. Anyway, I think the women did well, and that we accomplished some really lovely musical things together. It was nice to have 25 minutes of the period completely to myself, and without her in the room. Not that I wouldn't welcome her criticism, but it was nice to have it all to myself. What other time during school will I get to practice rehearsal technique with a real ensemble and not feel like I'm being graded? It was a nice opportunity.

On another note, for some reason today, I have not wanted chocolate at all. This is incredibly strange. Cheese curls sound delicious.... I think I'm overtired!