oh, the unknown

poor, finite creatures
seeing glimpses of light
memories of brightness
and mostly darkness

weak, lonely beings
grasping handfuls of time
understanding little
until it passes

loved, cherished children
hearing stronger and clear
(you are not abandoned)
and I will hold you

---------------------L. L. Burr 2012

"For I know the plans I have for you..."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...he will make your paths straight."

"Because of your great compassion, you did not abandon them in the desert..."

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love...As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him..."

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

-----------------------

Well, friends, we're here at the end of August. Back-to-school sales are in full swing, some kiddos have stepped on the bus for the first time, and others have just entered their first college lecture hall. Teachers and professors have dusted off lesson plans and syllabi and are working to set the course for their semester. Counselors, principals, secretaries, and custodians have been hard at work preparing for the new year, and parents have been helping their children to adjust to the end of a summer filled with late nights, water balloons, sports, family reunions, campfires, and cartoons.

And I feel like I missed my bus. Like the world is going to go on without me, that I'm left at the end of the driveway by myself.

You know, like I pulled all my things together, organized my backpack, packed my lunch, put on the nice, new clothes, armed myself with my diplomas, and walked out the door just a moment too late.

But that's not completely true.

Yes, I'm armed with diplomas and teaching experience. I have my credentials, good references, an impressive resume, and an organized, ambitious spirit. I'm passionate about teaching students to explore the world of music, and I aim for excellence.

I am not moments too late.

I showed up, early, pressed and dressed. I had three promising interviews for positions that I was more than qualified to fill. And each time, found out that the position was given to someone else, that I wasn't the perfect fit they were looking for, that I would still be stuck here in my workout clothes trying to find a way to help our family make ends meet. Knowing full well that jobs are scarce in this area, yet clinging to the not-ideal, full-time position with benefits that allows hubby to draw a steady income so that we can pay our exorbitant rent and medical bills.

It's probably best that I didn't get any of those positions - each was at least a 45 minute drive from where we live. It's probably best that I'm not driving that far with a very pregnant belly in a vehicle that's a little too big for my 5'1" frame.

It just hurts. I know I could do each of those jobs very well, that students would like me and thrive, that administrators would approve, that communities would be influenced, and that excellence would take place. I know it would mean long hours, lots of driving, and lots of patience. I know it means a messier home and more things left undone here.

Did I take a wrong turn? Was that flash of light illuminating a path I thought I saw, or did I really see it? Why am I still left here, unemployed? Why is it so dark? How in the world am I going to get in two years of "mentored teaching experience" before my certificate extension expires (requiring me to take the certification exams again - a $300+ endeavor)?

Am I really supposed to be here? Still waiting?

We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You, Lord.

-------------
Who can know
the mind of our Creator?
Who can speak
of wonders yet unseen?
And who can reach
the heights of understanding
and play the notes of wisdom's melody?

Who has weighed
the dust of every mountain
And who has walked
the mysteries of the deep?
Who has laid the earth on its foundation
and who conducts the waves upon the sea?

I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
So glorious and true
I stand in awe, I stand in awe
----------------------Martyn Layzell, "I Stand in Awe"

blue days

For the past two years, I've lived a very busy, high-stress life. My days have been scheduled by the hour. My planner saw a lot of use! However, that time of extreme busyness has come to a sudden stop. Sudden quiet. Sudden lack of schedule. Sudden lack of income. Hours where I can do anything I want or need with no requirements or homework or planning. Hours of empty freedom.

Oh, change. The only constant in life is change, right?

I graduated, packed up, cleaned up, and we moved to a new city. I celebrated getting to live together with the hubby again, then I cleaned, unpacked, arranged, organized, cleaned some more, figured out how to get to the grocery, located the thrift stores, and then...

...just nothing. No job interviews, no huge to-do list. I took up meal planning, which I probably should have been doing all along. I actually plan to mop again today - this is unusual for me! I cleaned the windows in the entry stairway, planted pachysandra in front of the porch, and even put in some annual flowers near our front steps.

Then, I had an interview at Macy's - a very cloudy, rainy day. Imagine me trying to keep my just-a-bit-too-long pant legs out of the puddles while juggling an umbrella and my full leather tote bag in the wind and rain... I'm sure I was a sight! The interview was fine, but I know I'm overqualified for the position. They were surprised when I handed them a resume - let's just leave it at that.
Who knows if they'll even call me back.

That was a very low day. I cried off and on for no reason. The rain and dark skies sure didn't help! I'm a sunshine-lovin' girl. I couldn't make myself get up off the couch. I tried doing things I like - knitting, crafts, painting, reading, eating a grape popsicle - nothing was fun. I did the dishes numbly. I felt fat, even though I know that this belly is a good sign that Baby is growing and healthy. It meant the world to me when my mom called, and reminded me that this might not just be a "sad" day. This might be depression.

Just like when I was first married. We had spent a sweet week of togetherness, then packed and moved to our new place, 3 hours' drive from anyone we knew and loved. He had a part-time job right away, which left me home with piles of boxes. I attacked those boxes - cleaned, organized, put away. Lifted more than I should have. I went running often, ate way too little, and cried almost every day. I couldn't look at wedding photos without tears. What should have been the happiest months of my life were incredibly lonely, sad times. No job, a very busy hubby at grad school, no friends, and a very tiny apartment with nothing left to clean or organize or decorate.

After a while, when I finally did have a job, things felt better. I didn't love my job, but at least I was contributing some pennies to our account. I started eating more appropriately, and still exercised. We made some friends at church, and things turned around. I adjusted, and learned to like it, even love it, there in our new home.

So now, I know everything will work out. I just have to make it through this sad time. I know Hubby will come home each day, and I will have a hug and someone to talk to who understands. (Oscar-cat is cute, and talks back, but isn't anywhere close to human, of course.) I don't have to wait until the weekend to see him, and I don't have to go to counseling to feel like I can actually be myself. I have to make good choices about my body and health - not just physically, but emotionally, too. It will be so helpful once we've found a church to call home. Once I have a schedule that's more than this:

7:44am - get up with Hubby, make breakfast and his lunch, then do the dishes. Shower, maybe. Think about what other household chores I can do. Can I find an excuse to leave the house? Groceries? Bank? Thrifting? No, we don't have any extra money right now.
12 noon - eat something. Try to make it nutritious.
2pm - nap? If I feel like it.
5pm - what last minute cleaning can I do before Hubby comes home?
6pm - begin to make dinner
10pm - try to make it until now before going to bed.

And just this morning, I got a call for a teaching interview - a long term sub position. That would be a good thing! Experience, something to get my name out there, and ending just in time for me to have Baby. Praying that God will help me to know what decision to make if I'm offered the position. Hoping that I'm offered the position!

Today it is sunny. I know rain will come again, but I'm praying that I can face it with more strength.

tired. happy. and a little nervous.

it has been a beautiful sunny day in the land of Linnea. however, she woke up with very itchy eyes and hasn't been able to wear her contacts. blasted allergies.

worship rehearsal was this morning, and it's nice to not be the leader this time. this is a full month for me - two auditions, leading worship often, a musical at the end of the month, and Easter prep thrown in for good measure. so much to do.

i came home shortly after noon, and couldn't find anything i wanted for lunch in the fridge. call it the American overprivileged attitude, call it the stomach flu i had the past three days - nothing looked good. in fact, i threw out a bunch of stuff that i didn't eat this week because of being sick. is this a bad thing? well, the stuff i threw out was bad. so DH took me out to lunch - i haven't had an Arby's jr. roast beef in ages. it was yummy, of course.

good news - found my sunglasses. this made me smile! i had purchased these sunglasses before we were married so that i could use them on our beachy honeymoon, and they mean a lot to me just for that reason. so glad i found them. besides all that, they're really pretty.

i spent a lot of the afternoon cleaning (read: not moving much at all from the couch beginning tuesday afternoon through wednesday afternoon = messy house and neglected chores), since DH's composition student and her mom were coming over to do some recording this afternoon. i wore myself out. i just don't have the energy that i'm used to just yet.
regardless, my house looks much better than this morning. yay.

it didn't feel like a saturday. can i have another one, please?

i'm working on preparing for my grad school auditions (aforementioned), and i had a fabulous voice lesson yesterday to check up on the work i've been doing. the teacher was so encouraging and helpful! i would enjoy studying with her. i wonder if God will have us stay here, or if His plans will lead us somewhere else. i'm trying to listen and to be open to where He would have us be. it's not easy. But the voice lesson was great! i have some good pointers to help me to put the finishing touches on my audition music before this coming friday. thanks are due to a good friend who's in the grad program here and recommended that i study with this teacher.

as to the conducting portion of auditions, i have a beefy Bach piece to delve into some more. it's one of those beautiful German double-choir motets with long melismatic passages between the voice parts. so lovely. but so full of stuff to understand, interpret, and teach. this would not be so bad if i had been the director, choosing music back in june, studying it all summer, and presenting it to a choir in september. as it stands, i received the music just a month ago. i've done a herford analysis, which is helpful, but i still can't get the tune solidly ingrained in my skull. oh, to have choir every day! i miss that about my undergraduate work. and about teaching. to sing every day...to have (or make) real time for singing every day.

all this to say: i'm a little nervous. i'm not sure that i'll be showing my best self, considering the way that i've been stretched, overexterted, and pressed for time. it's wickedly difficult to hold five jobs (teaching piano, accompanying class voice, nannying, church music administration, accompanying the high school musical) and to still care for my husband and home. and kitty cat. how do working moms do this? hire out? i haven't been able to put much time in. this blog thing isn't helping, except to relax me before i dive back into Bach's blackness. (love that alliteration.)

sweet note - Green&Black's organic chocolate is amazing.

i love the sparkling snow and how it dusts the pine tree out my window. God is good.
i love when my husband's smile is so sincere that he gets little dimples in his cheeks - when he's looking at me.

and i really do have more than i need. so many blessings. and so much need for God's strength, courage, and direction in my life. don't we all?

a new member of our household

Introducing: Oscar the Cat.

he's a five-pound ball of soft tabby fur, cuddly as can be, and hardly ever stops purring. my husband surprised me with him just a couple weeks ago! it has been fun to have "someone" at home with me while Brad is off at school and work all day.


it has been a long summer without having a job on the horizon. admittedly, i did have five good interviews, the most recent being last friday. however, none of them have turned out to be a job for me. it's disappointing, not to mention trying. i know many many people in our country have been jobless for much longer than me. i feel your pain. it's hard to admit that i'm on unemployment, that i'm going to try to get food stamps. it's hard to realize that this week, there's only $XXX in your bank account, and that rent is due next week. it's not enough.

nevertheless, i know that God will continue to provide for us. my husband has a part-time job in addition to his grad studies. that's pulling some in for us. i have a possibility of being the part-time worship music coordinator for our church, and that would be helpful, too.

we will see.

and on a completely different note, i made a glove. it's a fair first-attempt, i think. check it out! i used self-striping sock yarn...a fun choice, i think! the "trim" at the wrist is a k2tog, yo repetition.

me minus a job = God has other plans

but it doesn't mean i like it.
sure, this wasn't my favorite job, but i have been grateful for it. i'm thankful for the money that i made by doing this.
i feel angry at my managers for the way they handled this. not only did they give me just under 2 weeks notice, they then asked me to stay silent about it until today, when they announced that i was leaving at the weekly meeting. oh, and the reason? they're downsizing. the economy is poor. we have more staff per agents than other offices in other cities. we're not making as much as we used to. they're cutting my position and spreading out my jobs around the other staff members (who are already quite busy, thank you).

and all they said at the meeting: "she's leaving, she has some leads on jobs, and we wish her well." nothing about "our company is downsizing" or "this was not her decision." it makes me angry, because now i have 75 agents saying to me "oh, we'll miss you," "why are you leaving?," "do you have a teaching job?" No, actually, the truth is that i'm completely unemployed.
my husband is also unemployed.

this is when i have to thank God for the money he has allowed us to save, and that we will somehow make it through the summer, even if neither one of us gets a job.

breathing.

all that said, it hurts. i want to cry. i want to yell at them that this puts me in an extremely difficult situation, that my husband's grad school expenses and our housing have eaten most of my salary, that i'm not sure if i can make it through the summer even if i do get a teaching job for next fall. i feel angry, disappointed, dropped, discarded, worthless, and betrayed. not to mention scared.

i just want to cry, and i can't do that here. can i?

i realize that God has other plans, and that something will work out rather well for us. We need to try to trust Him. i know. it should be easy, right? He hasn't failed me, and I know He won't.

it still hurts.

surprised by joy

here's my little garden! i'm so happy to have a space to grow pretty flowers.
i made the stone garden myself - found the rocks, dug up the dirt, and put the bulbs in the dirt.
God makes it grow.
:o)

"Surprised by Joy" is the title of the book I'm reading by C.S. Lewis. Happily enough, the random "religious places" picture on my igoogle page yesterday was of his home and the schools where he taught. I love reading his work, and it's nice to have something to visualize as i read.

today has been full of little tasks - the kind that become annoying when there are so many of them. this kind of work frustrates me because it takes so little time to complete, it doesn't amount to much, and it eats up time that could be otherwise spent. not that i would like my work to cease, just that it would be nice to have bigger, longer tasks. still hoping for that music job. we'll see!

this is the prettiest yellow tulip in my tiny garden. random notes, i know.

mmm...the apple tarts i made in a cupcake tin. they turned out so tasty!

happy saturday

mmmm. i had forgotten how nice it is to sleep until the moment i feel like waking up. the only sad thing about waking up was the headache i had and the absence of my husband snoring next to me. he had to leave early this morning for a tournament a few hours away. i was looking forward to a lazy saturday morning with my dear husband. well, anyway, i'll have time to do some knitting, get a little laundry in, and maybe even decorate some cookies. i'll call my friend Edna and see if she'd like to meet me at the shopping mall. i need some new shoes, since mine broke on the job thursday.

my cute little brown clogs, with comfortable heels and a little strap with a buckle, have been with me for a little more than six years. i bought them just before college, wore them everywhere, and they have survived a lot of scuffing, pounding, and teaching. thursday, as i was wearing them on the job, i managed to catch the buckle on a cabinet edge as i went by. the little elastic that holds the buckle on, and the leather itself, actually ripped so badly that it's beyond repair. i felt embarrassed, which is probably irrational, but i did. i wonder if i should buy the cheap new ones i saw at target, or if i should wait and try to find better ones at a department store somewhere. i wear a small size, and it's hard to find. most department stores don't actually carry the size, unless i try a children's size shoe. it's frustrating, but i like my little feet.

today's blessings: hot tea, cuddly soft sweatshirts, and flowers.