joy comes in the morning

Yesterday, I was struggling so much with the knowledge that it would not be the day that our baby was born. Walking in to church, so many (kind-hearted, well-meaning) people wondered at why I was still there, still pregnant, "haven't you had that baby yet?" "your belly is so big!" Um, I know.

Oh, friends. I want to hold this baby so much, and the waiting feels so difficult now that the official due date (tomorrow) is so close. It's hard for me at the moment, especially since there have been a few evenings that felt like they could be the beginning of labor, but eased off into another normal night.

I cried quite a bit last night, knowing that my heart wasn't in the right place. I know that God has already chosen this boy's birthday, and that nothing I do will change that. I want to be a graceful momma in the waiting. I want to enjoy these fleeting moments with my husband, not be always longing for something just out of reach. I want to remember this time as precious, not as thrown-away minutes and hours wasted on tears and selfishness.

This morning, I felt a bit better. Maybe it was the sleep, but I feel calmer and more ready for today. I'm not going to dwell on what I'm wishing for, but on what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for these little baby movements, for enough to eat, for a husband who loves me so well through every moment, for flurries of snow, for a good sermon  yesterday, for warm clothes and a place to live. I'm thankful for good friends, for their generosity to us, and for a family that cares so much about us.

And someday soon, I'll post about our little guy's entrance into the world. Until then, I'll be waiting as patiently as I can, and resting in the strong arms that have always held me.

feelings are not good at telling the truth

sometimes I feel like my career so far - if you can call it that - has been a blip on the radar or a shooting star. I feel like the things that I've done are good, and that I have been successful, but that I was brilliant for a short time and then disappeared from the sky.

will I have the chance to make a difference like that again? will i have a long term career? do I want that?

it's a good thing that feelings are not (always) truth.

this is an interim time, a dry spell, a cloud across the horizon. I will have the chance to shine again, and it will be good. I will have the opportunity to use my music skills and to teach what I love. but this time is necessary, too.

my husband will finish his degree soon, and then I hope to complete a masters' program, too. (this is slightly scary, since I have not been practicing, and since I am unsure of what program I want to pursue, at all!)
after that, I may teach a couple years, but we want to start a family. I think it's really important that children have their mother or father at home to nurture them, to teach them, and to provide a stable, consistent environment.I don't want to be working at a job other than mothering if I can help it at that point in time.

side note: I love chocolate. one of the realtors here at work gave me a recipe for 5-minute chocolate cake in a mug... I can't wait to try it! maybe tonight. and this dove chocolate square is melting in my mouth. mmmmmmm!

I may be able to teach some private lessons. it does take a lot of work and contacts to build a private studio, but hopefully that will be easier to accomplish through the church that we will be attending at that point. I do think I can balance that and mothering, especially if I can teach during naps. anyone think that's unrealistic? perhaps. or we can put the little one in a play area nearby and begin to teach the baby music, too. oh, yes.

all of my future dreams involve a little bit of fear for me. I suppose that is a normal feeling. Ipray that it won't get in the way of my courage to try! I know the sting of rejection, and hope that I don't have to face that again. iI pray that I have the courage, persistence, and will to build up my skills again to an audition-worthy level, and that I will not be too critical of myself.

I have started to put together a scrapbook to celebrate our first year of marriage. so far, I've done four 8x8 pages - moving day, some pictures of our little apartment, and pictures of the beautiful surrounding area. I need to get some more prints, though. the book is turning out really cute! I would like some more scrapbook papers, too, but we'll see what comes of that. sometimes I am more creative when i don't have exactly what I need, or rather, what I want.

maybe that's what God is getting at in my life. I do have everything I need, but not everything I want. I may need to be more creative with my life at this point, and I know I need to be a good steward of the gifts I have been given (hence the need to practice).

may the Lord grant me the strength to daily accomplish His will for my life, the patience to wait for His timing, and the joy and ability to do all things well.

on love, conflict, and sacrifice

remember the orange berries i found last week?
they shed their little orange skins and reveal a red berry on the inside!

you know how sometimes two people just don't agree on what is good art? that happened to me over the weekend. and it was very personal, since what we were disagreeing on was the proper way to treat and arrange the photos from my wedding. the photographer thinks it looks great arranged this way, and we discovered our fundamental difference: abstract/minimalism vs. concrete/realism. in short, she'll re-do a few pages for us, but the rest will stay the same. it's a good thing we are both people who like to serve and want to make the other person happy, because this could have been really ugly. conflict is not one of my favorite things.

speaking of conflict, one thing that really bothers me is when i've been alone all day, and my husband comes home and wants to sit at his computer without speaking to me for the whole evening. oh, wait. we do have dinner together, so i should be happy, right? i understand that he's had a long day at school and that he needs alone time. it's just really hard for me to give that to him when i've been alone all day. is this what sacrifice and real love is about for me? does this mean that i need to let go of my desires and let his be first in the picture? it's a hard balance. i have needs, too. i'm battling a cold, but i still have to cook, clean, pay bills, balance the budget, make cookies for next week's luncheon (see the picture i posted), and finish the sweater he's been bugging me to complete. at the same time, i need to make his lunch (i guess he could do that, but he doesn't), be sure i don't talk to him too much while he's researching, and try not to cry when he leaves at 11:15pm to get another new video game that we probably don't have the money for, when all i wanted was to have him hold me as i fall asleep.

i'm enjoying the leaf-filtered autumn sun spilling through my sliding glass door onto my coffee table . it just barely lights up the faces of my Willow Tree statue. it's a carving of a couple in love, with his arms around her waist, and her face upturned to look at his, and her hand gently cradling his cheek. i love my husband like that. i am his, and he is mine. i have promised to always love, honor, and cherish him. with God's help and strength, i will. i know he loves me, too, and that this season will not last. i know he's doing everything he can to balance doing well in school and being the man he needs to be at home. it's not an easy job, and i need to support him. God, give me the strength to accomplish these things in your time, with your patience, and in your way.