Yesterday, I was struggling so much with the knowledge that it would not be the day that our baby was born. Walking in to church, so many (kind-hearted, well-meaning) people wondered at why I was still there, still pregnant, "haven't you had that baby yet?" "your belly is so big!" Um, I know.
Oh, friends. I want to hold this baby so much, and the waiting feels so difficult now that the official due date (tomorrow) is so close. It's hard for me at the moment, especially since there have been a few evenings that felt like they could be the beginning of labor, but eased off into another normal night.
I cried quite a bit last night, knowing that my heart wasn't in the right place. I know that God has already chosen this boy's birthday, and that nothing I do will change that. I want to be a graceful momma in the waiting. I want to enjoy these fleeting moments with my husband, not be always longing for something just out of reach. I want to remember this time as precious, not as thrown-away minutes and hours wasted on tears and selfishness.
This morning, I felt a bit better. Maybe it was the sleep, but I feel calmer and more ready for today. I'm not going to dwell on what I'm wishing for, but on what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for these little baby movements, for enough to eat, for a husband who loves me so well through every moment, for flurries of snow, for a good sermon yesterday, for warm clothes and a place to live. I'm thankful for good friends, for their generosity to us, and for a family that cares so much about us.
And someday soon, I'll post about our little guy's entrance into the world. Until then, I'll be waiting as patiently as I can, and resting in the strong arms that have always held me.