a bump in the road

At the risk of being vague, my husband and I are unexpectedly receiving some of the raindrops that God uses to carry life's blessings. I have shed very few tears over this turn of events, and we're both trusting that there must be something wonderful around the corner. Nevertheless, it hurts. It's difficult to focus on schoolwork, to see our friends able to do things that we simply can't. It's frustrating to know that what we thought was secure is not.

But we have each other, and a God whose eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen from what has been made. He does not change like shifting shadows, and he is from everlasting to everlasting. My life circumstances are confusing, troublesome, and unfair from any human perspective, but God is in control of the outcome. He will have the glory, and he will work in and through me to achieve his work. May I be a humble, willing, worthy vessel through both the times of joy and this time of pain.

seriously?

not. okay.

I took the Music Theory exam for the second time around on Saturday morning. Like I said in this post, I knew that there were things that I didn't do well, but I thought it was okay enough to pass. I evidently passed one of the three sections - only the 20th century Theory. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that I would now have to take a review course (read: extra cost) to make up the "deficiency" in my knowledge. It also wouldn't be so bad if the professor hadn't written this: "I regret to inform you that you did not pass the chromatic harmony portion and the form and analysis section of the placement exam although you showed some improvement and manage to pass the twentieth century techniques section."

Manage to pass? 1. She is Asian, but seriously, she should know how to use the language as a teacher in an American college. 2. And to imply that it was surprising that I would pass? 3. And to merely concede that I showed some improvement? It made me want to cry.

Not that I didn't have enough on my plate already, or anything.

What is it that God wants me to do? He is the only one I need to please. I'm struggling to hear, to see the direction I should take, and to have the hope I need to get me through this.

in between times

This is one of those times where we're "in between." Between jobs, between school years, between decisions. It's hard to know right now what choice is right, what job will actually be ours, what to study, what to leave for another day.

The truth is that this is a mere speck on the cosmic horizon, and that God has this life in control. Regardless of how powerless, drained, stressed, angry, frustrated, and tearful I become, I know it's not my job to figure it out, but to be patient and to wait on His plan.

Knowledge is one thing. Actually acting on that knowledge is quite another story. Right now, we're waiting to hear whether or not my husband will have an interview for a job in his field, a job that would carry health insurance coverage for both of us, a job that would pay next month's rent, a job that would put food on next month's table, a job that, undoubtedly, 20 or more other candidates are hoping to get. Right now, I've applied for unemployment (which I may not get, since I'm a student now) and medicaid. We've paid half of this semester's tuition, because paying all of it means we have nothing left. In all of these actions, we're still waiting, still trying, still trusting. This still makes my stomach upset and my face break out - is it really trust if I feel so pressured? So weak and angry? So humiliated that our advanced college degrees still leave us seeking employment at the post office and fast food restaurants?

A current song says that these in between times are "just the dawn before the morning" and "the pain before the healing." It's so hard to be in the valley and not be able to see the way out - to be so broken in so many ways and to not be able to pull an A+ to get out. Morning is coming. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps I will not cry....tomorrow.