I've been hard on myself lately. At first, I celebrated because my physical recovery from labor and birth was easier than with my firstborn. I assumed that since it was easier, all the other things would also come quickly - like fitting back into regular pants.
And I've been disappointed and frustrated. I gained weight on my hips and thighs during this pregnancy, whereas I had not when I carried my son. It will be a longer process of exercise and healthy eating to get this weight off, and for now, it's not very possible for me to get much extra exercise in! And I'm sleep deprived and fighting a cold, so I'm resting as much as I can. Not a very helpful situation that way!
In the meantime, my husband has continued to praise me and say he loves the way I look. He likes the yoga pants. It's okay that I'm not the same shape. He loves me.
I know that I am loved and that my body did a beautiful thing in giving life to this little girl, and that it continues to do an amazing thing in nourishing her and providing the comfort she and her big brother need. The loads of laundry, hugs, diaper changes, clothing changes, swaddles, tossing footballs, coloring with crayons, cooking meals, wiping faces and dozens of messes are my gift to my children and my husband. Their clean faces and content smiles are the evidence of the work my body has done for them. Why should I be so hard on myself that it's not the shape I had hoped so soon?
I need patience and grace to wait and work through this time. I need to focus on the little things, the beautiful, good, wonderful things. The pounds gained by my chubby little cherub. The smiles and silly laughs of my toddler. The hugs and reassurance of my husband. The love and support of friends. The beauty of redemption and self sacrifice.
Breathing and trusting that things will be well. That all things are beautiful in their time, and that I will again reach my personal goals. All will be well.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Monday, February 23, 2015
Friday, September 6, 2013
enough
There's a story going around Facebook about a mother and daughter who wish each other "enough" as they part ways at an airport. Sentimental and sweet.
But enough is sometimes difficult. We're satisfied, but still wish for more. Two pieces of pizza, a full glass of milk. Enough, but I still eat a third piece? And then have dessert, too? Clean clothes that fit well, warm jackets and comfortable shoes, and yet I want a new dress and buy a scarf just because it's five dollars and so cute and I really like it so I must have it?
Enough sometimes means only enough. Enough pennies to cover the bills, but nothing more. Enough gas to get to and from work and church, but not a trip to a friend's lake cottage. Enough for basic groceries, but not for a package of Wegman's O's or pre-made guacamole. Where is the thankful part of me when I feel sad about having just enough? When our bills are paid, we have each other, enough food and clothing and a beautiful little home? When our Savior sacrificed his earthly life so that we could have the abounding grace of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit? What more do I need?
A new paint color, matching rugs, that dress, a new e-reader and iPod for my husband, new toys for the baby, a new car, another car, another job, more this, less that, more, more, more.
Contentedness is the part of enough that's most difficult. Can I choose to be satisfied with enough food, well-fitting clothes, having a car at all, a wonderful husband, an adorable son, good friends, and a home? Not on my own, I can't. Nothing but the strength and grace of God can make me any better than I am. He is the only good in me, and He is Enough.
But enough is sometimes difficult. We're satisfied, but still wish for more. Two pieces of pizza, a full glass of milk. Enough, but I still eat a third piece? And then have dessert, too? Clean clothes that fit well, warm jackets and comfortable shoes, and yet I want a new dress and buy a scarf just because it's five dollars and so cute and I really like it so I must have it?
Enough sometimes means only enough. Enough pennies to cover the bills, but nothing more. Enough gas to get to and from work and church, but not a trip to a friend's lake cottage. Enough for basic groceries, but not for a package of Wegman's O's or pre-made guacamole. Where is the thankful part of me when I feel sad about having just enough? When our bills are paid, we have each other, enough food and clothing and a beautiful little home? When our Savior sacrificed his earthly life so that we could have the abounding grace of God and the presence of the Holy Spirit? What more do I need?
A new paint color, matching rugs, that dress, a new e-reader and iPod for my husband, new toys for the baby, a new car, another car, another job, more this, less that, more, more, more.
Contentedness is the part of enough that's most difficult. Can I choose to be satisfied with enough food, well-fitting clothes, having a car at all, a wonderful husband, an adorable son, good friends, and a home? Not on my own, I can't. Nothing but the strength and grace of God can make me any better than I am. He is the only good in me, and He is Enough.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
little things
Today's little things are actually quite big to me! This will be a long-ish post. I hope you'll stick with me.
First, the little things:
1. Seeing a big, fat robin preening himself on the fence around our side yard. I just stood and watched him for about a minute. There are also little, tiny blue flowers growing at the bottom of the fence - I will have to take a picture for you.
2. Holding my husband's hand in the car. Something extra safe and secure about that - no seatbelt could ever make me feel so protected.
3. Sunshine streaming through closed blinds - the promise of another pretty summer day
4. Unlimited access to clean drinking water and to a fully functional bathroom. And nice-smelling soap and soft towels. This is high priority for pregnant women.
5. Friends that care to check in on me and find out how I really am
6. Fresh blueberries from the public market - directly from the farmer who grew 'em. So sweet.
7. Maternity Shorts. Capital. What a wonderful idea to put a soft, stretchy panel in a cute pair of dark denim Bermudas. And thank you to the sweet woman who dropped them off at the thrift store instead of the pricier consignment shop across the street.
8. Feeling our baby boy move - little kicks and punches that feel like bubble wrap bursting in my belly.
9. Reassuring doctors who take time out of their vacations to update us on test results
10. Knowing that our baby's genetic tests show that he's normal and healthy
The last three "little things" have been huge to hubby and me this past week. Exactly a week ago today, I went to the follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn after my 19 week sonogram a week before (two weeks ago today). Everything had looked great on the sonogram - the technician called what she saw "textbook" for development, commenting again and again on how well kidneys, heart, brain, bones, and even the umbilical cord were formed. We were confident that Baby was doing great - wiggling, kicking, scrunching his little fists, and making faces. I left the sonogram and had a routine blood test done, feeling happy about our little one and never doubting that anything could be wrong with our precious boy.
So, at the follow-up appointment, my doctor came in the room to discuss the blood test results. All of my other test results have been normal thus far, and I have no predicting factors for making this one any different - but it was. This was the "quad screen" test, which looks for levels of different proteins that serve as potential markers for physical abnormalities in the developing baby. My test came back with low levels of a certain protein, which indicated that I had an increased risk of having a baby with Down's syndrome. Evidently, the normal risk factor for a woman my age is something like 1 in 950, and mine was calculated at 1 in 250...about the risk for a woman 10 years older than me.
I'm pretty sure my heart went into overdrive. The rest of the visit - listening to the statistics, hearing the baby's heartbeat (normal rate), carrying the paperwork to the check-out desk - all of it is a blur, except for this clear, strong voice in my head that said, just once, "he doesn't have it." I had been praying the whole time, and trying so hard not to cry. I'm pretty sure I was pale. My ob/gyn made a call to the specialist immediately, and got me an appointment for just two days later instead of the two weeks I would normally have to wait. I was thankful for that. I told him so.
I made it all the way through the grocery store and back home before I cried. I left a message for hubby to call me - and then I spent most of the next two days crying. And praying. And trying so hard to believe the voice I heard. Wanting to hope, wanting to know, wanting to believe - but so afraid that if I did, I would be wrong. It was so hard to trust. I spent hours reading the psalms, trying to sing, and throwing myself into housework so I wouldn't cry. I felt Baby move more often in those two days than I have before - I wonder if he could feel how stressed and worried I felt. I'm pretty sure I ate healthy foods, but I don't really remember. There are still chips left and the salad is gone, so I guess I did.
On Thursday last week, we went to see the specialist. Hubby got a couple hours off of work to come with me (we're sharing a car right now), and I was so glad to have him with me. The specialist looked over our ultrasound pictures again, and reassured us that he believed that Baby was one of the 249 babies without DS, not the one with the extra copies of chromosomes (for that's what causes Down's - it's having multiple copies of the smallest chromosome). He explained all the physical markers and showed us that our baby did not have those physical signs - that everything looked normal. He said this knowledge, along with our other previously normal-looking tests, added up to a risk that was probably closer to 1 in 400 - but still a risk. Do you know how comforting the word "normal" is?
The specialist gave us three options to consider. 1. Wait until the baby is born to know for sure, 2. have an expensive, not paid by insurance, brand-new-in-the-last-6-months blood test done to analyze my DNA and the fragments of baby's DNA in my blood - an almost definitive yes or no, or 3. Have an insurance-covered amniocentesis done: a definitive test. The first two options both carried some what-ifs. What if we didn't know about the disorder, and baby had it? That could complicate the birth process, for one, and leave us a bit unprepared for what laid ahead. What if the blood test said he had DS, but he was born normal and healthy? We'd worry and prepare for no reason. The only definitive answer would be from the amniocentesis - and that procedure carries with it the risk of miscarriage - about 1 in 400.
The specialist left us for a few minutes to talk and consider what to do. I almost burst into tears when he left, but hubby was holding my hand. We talked about the risks, and decided that we needed to know if Baby was okay. We told the doctor that we would do the amniocentesis, I signed paperwork, and hubby had to go back to work. I texted a friend to come and pick me up from the procedure - she was wonderful to come and get me.
The procedure for an amniocentesis involves drawing a few tablespoons of fluid out of the amniotic sac around the Baby. The needle goes through the mother's stomach and, guided by ultrasound, into an area where Baby isn't going to be inside the fluid sac. I couldn't watch. It only hurt a little at the insertion point, and it was over quickly. They checked Baby's heart rate afterward, and it was normal. He was wiggly as usual. I was so very emotionally and physically tired. I walked slowly to the door of the hospital, rode home, thanked my friend, and slept for two hours on the couch. Baby was kicking like crazy - that felt reassuring to me.
And then we waited. The specialist promised to call us with results on Monday, even though he would be on vacation all this week. Friday was a long, long day! I don't remember much of Saturday, except going to the market with a friend. I think I slept a lot. Sunday, we prayed, worshiped, sang, and heard a sermon about the dangers of pride, of self-reliance - the danger of not trusting God. We held hands, and prayed that God had made our baby perfectly, that there had been no "mistake" in chromosome copies, that he was healthy and normal. We were scared, but thankful for the specialist's confidence.
Monday, I waited almost all day, until the call came a bit after 4pm. I picked up the phone, my heart racing, blood pumping in my ears. "Good news," the specialist said, "your baby does not have Down's syndrome." There will be further analysis of his genetic material, but this big question is answered. The doctor is confident that no other disorders will be revealed. Baby looks healthy and normal. He doesn't have a major chromosomal disorder. We are so relieved! And thankful. And full of love for our gracious God and our tiny Little One.
We went out to dinner to celebrate (with a gift card, of course) our little (BIG!) blessing. May we never take for granted that our boy will be able to eat well, sleep well, fill a diaper well, learn to use the potty without trouble, speak well, think well, run well, play well, get messy, make mistakes, make friends, learn quickly, play an instrument, go to college, get married, and have a family. May we remember that normal life - normal, everyday, sticky mess filled, auto-pilot life - is a blessing.
So thankful for the little things, and for our Little One. Full of joy!
1. Seeing a big, fat robin preening himself on the fence around our side yard. I just stood and watched him for about a minute. There are also little, tiny blue flowers growing at the bottom of the fence - I will have to take a picture for you.
2. Holding my husband's hand in the car. Something extra safe and secure about that - no seatbelt could ever make me feel so protected.
3. Sunshine streaming through closed blinds - the promise of another pretty summer day
4. Unlimited access to clean drinking water and to a fully functional bathroom. And nice-smelling soap and soft towels. This is high priority for pregnant women.
5. Friends that care to check in on me and find out how I really am
6. Fresh blueberries from the public market - directly from the farmer who grew 'em. So sweet.
7. Maternity Shorts. Capital. What a wonderful idea to put a soft, stretchy panel in a cute pair of dark denim Bermudas. And thank you to the sweet woman who dropped them off at the thrift store instead of the pricier consignment shop across the street.
8. Feeling our baby boy move - little kicks and punches that feel like bubble wrap bursting in my belly.
9. Reassuring doctors who take time out of their vacations to update us on test results
10. Knowing that our baby's genetic tests show that he's normal and healthy
The last three "little things" have been huge to hubby and me this past week. Exactly a week ago today, I went to the follow-up appointment with my ob/gyn after my 19 week sonogram a week before (two weeks ago today). Everything had looked great on the sonogram - the technician called what she saw "textbook" for development, commenting again and again on how well kidneys, heart, brain, bones, and even the umbilical cord were formed. We were confident that Baby was doing great - wiggling, kicking, scrunching his little fists, and making faces. I left the sonogram and had a routine blood test done, feeling happy about our little one and never doubting that anything could be wrong with our precious boy.
So, at the follow-up appointment, my doctor came in the room to discuss the blood test results. All of my other test results have been normal thus far, and I have no predicting factors for making this one any different - but it was. This was the "quad screen" test, which looks for levels of different proteins that serve as potential markers for physical abnormalities in the developing baby. My test came back with low levels of a certain protein, which indicated that I had an increased risk of having a baby with Down's syndrome. Evidently, the normal risk factor for a woman my age is something like 1 in 950, and mine was calculated at 1 in 250...about the risk for a woman 10 years older than me.
I'm pretty sure my heart went into overdrive. The rest of the visit - listening to the statistics, hearing the baby's heartbeat (normal rate), carrying the paperwork to the check-out desk - all of it is a blur, except for this clear, strong voice in my head that said, just once, "he doesn't have it." I had been praying the whole time, and trying so hard not to cry. I'm pretty sure I was pale. My ob/gyn made a call to the specialist immediately, and got me an appointment for just two days later instead of the two weeks I would normally have to wait. I was thankful for that. I told him so.
I made it all the way through the grocery store and back home before I cried. I left a message for hubby to call me - and then I spent most of the next two days crying. And praying. And trying so hard to believe the voice I heard. Wanting to hope, wanting to know, wanting to believe - but so afraid that if I did, I would be wrong. It was so hard to trust. I spent hours reading the psalms, trying to sing, and throwing myself into housework so I wouldn't cry. I felt Baby move more often in those two days than I have before - I wonder if he could feel how stressed and worried I felt. I'm pretty sure I ate healthy foods, but I don't really remember. There are still chips left and the salad is gone, so I guess I did.
On Thursday last week, we went to see the specialist. Hubby got a couple hours off of work to come with me (we're sharing a car right now), and I was so glad to have him with me. The specialist looked over our ultrasound pictures again, and reassured us that he believed that Baby was one of the 249 babies without DS, not the one with the extra copies of chromosomes (for that's what causes Down's - it's having multiple copies of the smallest chromosome). He explained all the physical markers and showed us that our baby did not have those physical signs - that everything looked normal. He said this knowledge, along with our other previously normal-looking tests, added up to a risk that was probably closer to 1 in 400 - but still a risk. Do you know how comforting the word "normal" is?
The specialist gave us three options to consider. 1. Wait until the baby is born to know for sure, 2. have an expensive, not paid by insurance, brand-new-in-the-last-6-months blood test done to analyze my DNA and the fragments of baby's DNA in my blood - an almost definitive yes or no, or 3. Have an insurance-covered amniocentesis done: a definitive test. The first two options both carried some what-ifs. What if we didn't know about the disorder, and baby had it? That could complicate the birth process, for one, and leave us a bit unprepared for what laid ahead. What if the blood test said he had DS, but he was born normal and healthy? We'd worry and prepare for no reason. The only definitive answer would be from the amniocentesis - and that procedure carries with it the risk of miscarriage - about 1 in 400.
The specialist left us for a few minutes to talk and consider what to do. I almost burst into tears when he left, but hubby was holding my hand. We talked about the risks, and decided that we needed to know if Baby was okay. We told the doctor that we would do the amniocentesis, I signed paperwork, and hubby had to go back to work. I texted a friend to come and pick me up from the procedure - she was wonderful to come and get me.
The procedure for an amniocentesis involves drawing a few tablespoons of fluid out of the amniotic sac around the Baby. The needle goes through the mother's stomach and, guided by ultrasound, into an area where Baby isn't going to be inside the fluid sac. I couldn't watch. It only hurt a little at the insertion point, and it was over quickly. They checked Baby's heart rate afterward, and it was normal. He was wiggly as usual. I was so very emotionally and physically tired. I walked slowly to the door of the hospital, rode home, thanked my friend, and slept for two hours on the couch. Baby was kicking like crazy - that felt reassuring to me.
And then we waited. The specialist promised to call us with results on Monday, even though he would be on vacation all this week. Friday was a long, long day! I don't remember much of Saturday, except going to the market with a friend. I think I slept a lot. Sunday, we prayed, worshiped, sang, and heard a sermon about the dangers of pride, of self-reliance - the danger of not trusting God. We held hands, and prayed that God had made our baby perfectly, that there had been no "mistake" in chromosome copies, that he was healthy and normal. We were scared, but thankful for the specialist's confidence.
Monday, I waited almost all day, until the call came a bit after 4pm. I picked up the phone, my heart racing, blood pumping in my ears. "Good news," the specialist said, "your baby does not have Down's syndrome." There will be further analysis of his genetic material, but this big question is answered. The doctor is confident that no other disorders will be revealed. Baby looks healthy and normal. He doesn't have a major chromosomal disorder. We are so relieved! And thankful. And full of love for our gracious God and our tiny Little One.
We went out to dinner to celebrate (with a gift card, of course) our little (BIG!) blessing. May we never take for granted that our boy will be able to eat well, sleep well, fill a diaper well, learn to use the potty without trouble, speak well, think well, run well, play well, get messy, make mistakes, make friends, learn quickly, play an instrument, go to college, get married, and have a family. May we remember that normal life - normal, everyday, sticky mess filled, auto-pilot life - is a blessing.
So thankful for the little things, and for our Little One. Full of joy!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Two years in review
It has been a very long, full two years! We've been blessed so richly, and we have so much to be thankful for.
It's hard to believe that I'm really finished with my graduate degree, that we're moving so soon, and that we're expecting a baby. Here's a quick (as quick as I can) review of the past two years:
July 31, 2010 - moved here with no jobs, a little bit of savings, and lots of hopes. Feeling pretty stressed because of some miscommunications with the landlords, and trying to get settled in our new place.
August - started grad work. Hubby was unemployed, and we had stopped receiving benefits from my unemployment. His undergraduate loans had just come due, too.
September - still making it on savings and Angel Food, but things are tight! School is overwhelming, and I feel like I'm actually majoring in email, not Choral Conducting.
October - we see the bottom of our bank account, and can't buy groceries. We're thanking God for the gas in our cars, for the rent and utilities being paid, and we're living out of our pantry. The in-laws bring a surprise load of groceries, and we're beyond relieved. Money is still tight, and a surprise check arrives in the mail from an anonymous friend. I burst into tears when I open it, knowing only God could prompt someone to be so generous.
November - Hubby gets a job!! Yay! But it's in a city an hour and 15 minutes away, it's a temporary position, and the shift is 11am to 10pm. Hubby leaves home at 9:30am and isn't home until 11:30pm. We only see each other on weekends, but at least we're living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and counting it a blessing to have an income. School continues to be challenging, but I'm beginning to adjust. I've started praying with my friend, Nicki, every Thursday, and that helps so much! I've had the opportunity to be a part of conducting masterclasses and to step in for the College Choir director when he was gone. You can read more about my crazy month here.
December - Hubby has just Christmas Day off, so we try our best to see both families. We have car trouble with our little Nissan on Christmas morning, and we end up being late to see his family - frustrating! But we were safe. This is just one of many times we've had troubles with the electrical system in that car, even though it's three years newer and a lot nicer than our other vehicle.
January 2011 - Things are in full swing at school again, and I'm planning the final details of the Choir's tour to Florida and many of the states between NY and FL. I started a course called Theory Pedagogy, and the teacher doesn't think I'll do well - I feel taken aback by that! Hubby's temporary position has ended, and we're not sure we can afford the semester. We take a loan to be able to pay for my schooling. I still can't afford to take the conducting lessons I would love to have. We're still scraping the bottom of our bank account. But, God gives us another real-life miracle in a generous, anonymous friend. Near the middle of the month, he finds a new job with a computer repair shop. He loves it, it's closer to our house, normal hours, and he makes a pretty decent salary. My parents give us part of the pig they had purchased, and we're eventually able to pay them back for the meat.
February - The Choir goes on mini-tour, and I volunteer to drive four choir members to and from our run-out concert in a nearby city. On the way home, I hit two deer, totaling our Nissan. Everyone in the car was unharmed! AAA towed our car all the way to my in-laws, where my FIL realized it was beyond repair. After about a month with the computer repair shop, out of the blue, Hubby is let go. The boss' crazy mood swings and violent outbursts make it easy to leave, even though Hubby loved the work. Less than a week later, I left for Choir tour.
March - The insurance money from the car is more than we expected, and we put a lot of it into savings. Hubby applies for unemployment. I choose courses for the next semester, and friends take me to and from school for this month.
April - We still can't afford a new car, hubby doesn't have a job, and I'm trying to finish the semester well. Friends are still driving me to and from school, and I "pay" them in cookies. It's so hard to rely on other people. I got an A- in Theory Pedagogy, which I can only hope was a pleasant surprise to the teacher. We're living on the money from the car payment.
May - Friends of ours hear that we're in need of a car, and they offer us their Jeep, free of charge. A gift. We just need to go pick it up! We stand for my brother at his wedding. We begin the process of transferring our Jeep to NY state.
June - I take a three-week position at a music school in my parents' hometown, and enjoy teaching. Hubby keeps looking for work, and finally begins to receive unemployment benefits. We're both discouraged. We apply for Medicaid and start getting benefits. I switch to a new medication that makes me gain weight - so dumb. Hate it.
July - We celebrate my birthday at my parents' house, and hubby gives me flowers. When I come home, he has cleaned the house and put out a bottle of nice wine: the rest of my birthday/anniversary present. We celebrate our anniversary with a trip to a museum and use a gift card for a dinner out. Beautiful.
August - School is starting again, and hubby has a lead on a job. He interviews, and they call him for a second interview. We're nervous, but we're trusting that God will provide for us. We still have some money left from the car payment, the Jeep is finally on the road, and we have food to eat.
September - I count it a blessing that my textbooks this semester only cost $30. It has been so nice to be able to drive myself to and from school. Hubby has his second interview, and we're excited about it!
October - I have a couple opportunities to conduct the College Choir, and I'm loving my history of church music class. I feel like things are going pretty well. Hubby has his third interview, and is hired! We're excited and relieved. We figure the cost of commuting daily, and find out that it's more expensive for him to commute than to rent a room near his new workplace in a city an hour and a half away. We make the hard decision to rent a second place for him near work.
November - I have quite the emotional breakdown, and check myself into counseling. I can't deal with Hubby being gone all the time, and I feel pressured to take care of our whole house like we did together. I'm overwhelmed. I have serious upset stomachs, I cry all the time at home, and I can't motivate myself to do homework or housework. Hubby does well at his new job, and comes home on weekends. I try to be positive, but my emotional state is weighing on him. I finally get my medication switched, and I'm able to lose the weight I gained.
December - The Choir presents three concerts in a row, and I'm exhausted! The last week of the semester is tough, but I finish with (unbelievably) a 4.0. It's the first 4.0 I've ever had in my graduate schooling! It's a huge blessing. I'm beginning to adjust to our new normal, and look forward to some rest over Christmas break. I realize that my car needs to be inspected, so I take it in. Long story short, I was there six different times, and it still wouldn't pass inspection.
January 2012 - Hubby continues at his new job, we have good insurance now, and things are looking up. I start my final semester, and begin to plan my recital. I get to work with my own ensemble this semester, and I'm excited. Hubby takes the car to his dad, who takes it to his trusted mechanic. They can't figure out what's wrong. I ask friends to take me to and from school yet again. I have great friends, by the way.
February - We celebrate Valentine's Day early, and Hubby gives me the sweetest gift. We're excited! Not more than two days later, we finally get our car back with a temporary inspection sticker. I'm relieved to have the freedom to drive myself to and from school.
March - The Choir tours over Easter, and I wonder if I might be pregnant. When I get home, I know for sure, and surprise the hubby with an early "birthday" gift - he's a daddy!
April - This last month is crazy! I'm trying to fit in all the final work for my classes, writing a 25 page paper, rehearsing and preparing for my recital, trying to study, trying to fit in exercise - and I'm so exhausted. I have to eat six mini-meals a day, and I actually take naps at school. I feel overwhelmed! Hubby tries to help me to relax, and encourages me, reminding me that I can do this. I pray that God would work through me and complete this work well!
May - We're almost done with this separation thing! We find an apartment, sign a lease, and start packing. I have my recital, comprehensive oral exit exam, Choral Seminar exam, Music Listening exam, first baby appointment, and accompany for five juries, all in the space of five days. Then, I spend the weekend and all day Monday writing my paper - it's only 20 pages, but I'm turning it in. Graduation arrives, and I'm so relieved! Hubby and my parents were able to be there, and they're so proud of me. I can't believe I'm done!
To top it all off, I earned another 4.0, and my overall GPA is 3.88. Only God could have done that! I'm feeling so blessed.
We got to see Baby on a sonogram, and I heard Baby's heartbeat at my second appointment. We're almost ready to move, and we are so excited to start this second chapter of our lives. God has been so good to us!
We've been through so many difficult things, but I know that God is the one who carried us through. Our marriage continues to be strong, and we're excited for what God will do through us. We're so thankful for our Little One, and we're praying that God continues to meet our needs. When we move, I'll be looking for a job, and we're hoping it will be a decent income! It would be wonderful if we could bank most of one of our paychecks, using the other one to live on. We'll see how God decides to bless us - even hard times can be a blessing. He is the one who provides the opportunities for us, and He is the one who provides life for each day. We have so much to be thankful for!
It's hard to believe that I'm really finished with my graduate degree, that we're moving so soon, and that we're expecting a baby. Here's a quick (as quick as I can) review of the past two years:
July 31, 2010 - moved here with no jobs, a little bit of savings, and lots of hopes. Feeling pretty stressed because of some miscommunications with the landlords, and trying to get settled in our new place.
August - started grad work. Hubby was unemployed, and we had stopped receiving benefits from my unemployment. His undergraduate loans had just come due, too.
September - still making it on savings and Angel Food, but things are tight! School is overwhelming, and I feel like I'm actually majoring in email, not Choral Conducting.
October - we see the bottom of our bank account, and can't buy groceries. We're thanking God for the gas in our cars, for the rent and utilities being paid, and we're living out of our pantry. The in-laws bring a surprise load of groceries, and we're beyond relieved. Money is still tight, and a surprise check arrives in the mail from an anonymous friend. I burst into tears when I open it, knowing only God could prompt someone to be so generous.
November - Hubby gets a job!! Yay! But it's in a city an hour and 15 minutes away, it's a temporary position, and the shift is 11am to 10pm. Hubby leaves home at 9:30am and isn't home until 11:30pm. We only see each other on weekends, but at least we're living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and counting it a blessing to have an income. School continues to be challenging, but I'm beginning to adjust. I've started praying with my friend, Nicki, every Thursday, and that helps so much! I've had the opportunity to be a part of conducting masterclasses and to step in for the College Choir director when he was gone. You can read more about my crazy month here.
December - Hubby has just Christmas Day off, so we try our best to see both families. We have car trouble with our little Nissan on Christmas morning, and we end up being late to see his family - frustrating! But we were safe. This is just one of many times we've had troubles with the electrical system in that car, even though it's three years newer and a lot nicer than our other vehicle.
January 2011 - Things are in full swing at school again, and I'm planning the final details of the Choir's tour to Florida and many of the states between NY and FL. I started a course called Theory Pedagogy, and the teacher doesn't think I'll do well - I feel taken aback by that! Hubby's temporary position has ended, and we're not sure we can afford the semester. We take a loan to be able to pay for my schooling. I still can't afford to take the conducting lessons I would love to have. We're still scraping the bottom of our bank account. But, God gives us another real-life miracle in a generous, anonymous friend. Near the middle of the month, he finds a new job with a computer repair shop. He loves it, it's closer to our house, normal hours, and he makes a pretty decent salary. My parents give us part of the pig they had purchased, and we're eventually able to pay them back for the meat.
February - The Choir goes on mini-tour, and I volunteer to drive four choir members to and from our run-out concert in a nearby city. On the way home, I hit two deer, totaling our Nissan. Everyone in the car was unharmed! AAA towed our car all the way to my in-laws, where my FIL realized it was beyond repair. After about a month with the computer repair shop, out of the blue, Hubby is let go. The boss' crazy mood swings and violent outbursts make it easy to leave, even though Hubby loved the work. Less than a week later, I left for Choir tour.
March - The insurance money from the car is more than we expected, and we put a lot of it into savings. Hubby applies for unemployment. I choose courses for the next semester, and friends take me to and from school for this month.
April - We still can't afford a new car, hubby doesn't have a job, and I'm trying to finish the semester well. Friends are still driving me to and from school, and I "pay" them in cookies. It's so hard to rely on other people. I got an A- in Theory Pedagogy, which I can only hope was a pleasant surprise to the teacher. We're living on the money from the car payment.
May - Friends of ours hear that we're in need of a car, and they offer us their Jeep, free of charge. A gift. We just need to go pick it up! We stand for my brother at his wedding. We begin the process of transferring our Jeep to NY state.
June - I take a three-week position at a music school in my parents' hometown, and enjoy teaching. Hubby keeps looking for work, and finally begins to receive unemployment benefits. We're both discouraged. We apply for Medicaid and start getting benefits. I switch to a new medication that makes me gain weight - so dumb. Hate it.
July - We celebrate my birthday at my parents' house, and hubby gives me flowers. When I come home, he has cleaned the house and put out a bottle of nice wine: the rest of my birthday/anniversary present. We celebrate our anniversary with a trip to a museum and use a gift card for a dinner out. Beautiful.
August - School is starting again, and hubby has a lead on a job. He interviews, and they call him for a second interview. We're nervous, but we're trusting that God will provide for us. We still have some money left from the car payment, the Jeep is finally on the road, and we have food to eat.
September - I count it a blessing that my textbooks this semester only cost $30. It has been so nice to be able to drive myself to and from school. Hubby has his second interview, and we're excited about it!
October - I have a couple opportunities to conduct the College Choir, and I'm loving my history of church music class. I feel like things are going pretty well. Hubby has his third interview, and is hired! We're excited and relieved. We figure the cost of commuting daily, and find out that it's more expensive for him to commute than to rent a room near his new workplace in a city an hour and a half away. We make the hard decision to rent a second place for him near work.
November - I have quite the emotional breakdown, and check myself into counseling. I can't deal with Hubby being gone all the time, and I feel pressured to take care of our whole house like we did together. I'm overwhelmed. I have serious upset stomachs, I cry all the time at home, and I can't motivate myself to do homework or housework. Hubby does well at his new job, and comes home on weekends. I try to be positive, but my emotional state is weighing on him. I finally get my medication switched, and I'm able to lose the weight I gained.
December - The Choir presents three concerts in a row, and I'm exhausted! The last week of the semester is tough, but I finish with (unbelievably) a 4.0. It's the first 4.0 I've ever had in my graduate schooling! It's a huge blessing. I'm beginning to adjust to our new normal, and look forward to some rest over Christmas break. I realize that my car needs to be inspected, so I take it in. Long story short, I was there six different times, and it still wouldn't pass inspection.
January 2012 - Hubby continues at his new job, we have good insurance now, and things are looking up. I start my final semester, and begin to plan my recital. I get to work with my own ensemble this semester, and I'm excited. Hubby takes the car to his dad, who takes it to his trusted mechanic. They can't figure out what's wrong. I ask friends to take me to and from school yet again. I have great friends, by the way.
February - We celebrate Valentine's Day early, and Hubby gives me the sweetest gift. We're excited! Not more than two days later, we finally get our car back with a temporary inspection sticker. I'm relieved to have the freedom to drive myself to and from school.
March - The Choir tours over Easter, and I wonder if I might be pregnant. When I get home, I know for sure, and surprise the hubby with an early "birthday" gift - he's a daddy!
April - This last month is crazy! I'm trying to fit in all the final work for my classes, writing a 25 page paper, rehearsing and preparing for my recital, trying to study, trying to fit in exercise - and I'm so exhausted. I have to eat six mini-meals a day, and I actually take naps at school. I feel overwhelmed! Hubby tries to help me to relax, and encourages me, reminding me that I can do this. I pray that God would work through me and complete this work well!
May - We're almost done with this separation thing! We find an apartment, sign a lease, and start packing. I have my recital, comprehensive oral exit exam, Choral Seminar exam, Music Listening exam, first baby appointment, and accompany for five juries, all in the space of five days. Then, I spend the weekend and all day Monday writing my paper - it's only 20 pages, but I'm turning it in. Graduation arrives, and I'm so relieved! Hubby and my parents were able to be there, and they're so proud of me. I can't believe I'm done!
To top it all off, I earned another 4.0, and my overall GPA is 3.88. Only God could have done that! I'm feeling so blessed.
We got to see Baby on a sonogram, and I heard Baby's heartbeat at my second appointment. We're almost ready to move, and we are so excited to start this second chapter of our lives. God has been so good to us!
We've been through so many difficult things, but I know that God is the one who carried us through. Our marriage continues to be strong, and we're excited for what God will do through us. We're so thankful for our Little One, and we're praying that God continues to meet our needs. When we move, I'll be looking for a job, and we're hoping it will be a decent income! It would be wonderful if we could bank most of one of our paychecks, using the other one to live on. We'll see how God decides to bless us - even hard times can be a blessing. He is the one who provides the opportunities for us, and He is the one who provides life for each day. We have so much to be thankful for!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
back to school
I'm back to school for the semester, and I'll try to get a weekly post in. We might be down to three a month, though! My school keeps me so busy.
I'm taking a church music history course this semester, and our first assignment has been to read all of the book of Psalms. All of it! That's 150 chapters, some of which have 100 or more verses. I'm On the 111th Psalm right now, and I just came across this verse:
"He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever." Ps. 111:5
I've been nervous lately about our finances and about whether we'll have enough money to buy the food we need. I need to remember to depend on God for his provision, even when I can't see how it's possible.
Trusting.
I'm taking a church music history course this semester, and our first assignment has been to read all of the book of Psalms. All of it! That's 150 chapters, some of which have 100 or more verses. I'm On the 111th Psalm right now, and I just came across this verse:
"He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever." Ps. 111:5
I've been nervous lately about our finances and about whether we'll have enough money to buy the food we need. I need to remember to depend on God for his provision, even when I can't see how it's possible.
Trusting.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
here it comes!
Cool night air, blooming goldenrod, turning leaves, and bird migrations...sure signs of autumn. I'm not ready yet! I've enjoyed my summer "freedom" and lack of schedule most days. I'm not feeling ready to give that up. I love the sunny days, laundry on the clothesline, flowers blooming in my garden, lunch dates with friends and movie nights at my house. I love the extra time to decorate, craft, sew, knit, and paint.
However, I do love that I can wear long pants again - I got a couple cute new pairs for the year. Well, new to me. You know how I love thrifting. I cut my hair in anticipation of the new semester. I love the way it feels to have something new, fresh, different about my appearance, even if it's that small. I have a pretty pink planner, and I've written in my new schedule and concert dates. I'm all set for the back-to-school party I'm hosting, and I have meetings scheduled with my advisors for the new year.
I am nervous, though. I didn't study as seriously as I should have, and I'm concerned. I didn't use my time for what really makes a visible difference at school...but I did use my time for relaxing, creating, cooking, cleaning, enjoying my family. What really matters? It's hard to find balance between what's good, needed, immediate, future, necessary, fun, relaxing, work. Have I sold out to what's good, missing out on the time to do what I should? Here I am blogging (and making cookies and earning points on SwagBucks). Is this productive for much beyond my own need to get stuff out on "paper"? Well, the hubby is happy about the cookies, I'm earning free stuff online, and I'm not bugging him with my self-analysis.
Goals for this week, though:
- eat healthier (less cookies)
- sleep schedule change to match the new school year
- exercise each day - spirit and body!
- actually study like I'm supposed to
- print out the scores I need to study, and study them
- try not to worry about finances, trusting that God will provide a job for my hubby
- make a birthday card for my Grandma
- knit some more just for me
- paint something
- make extra of each meal and freeze it for busy evenings to come
- visualize a successful, happy, exciting, organized, peaceful, joyful, friend-ful end to my post-secondary education
And pray. And breathe! And believe that I'm here for God's reasons, even though I don't understand.
However, I do love that I can wear long pants again - I got a couple cute new pairs for the year. Well, new to me. You know how I love thrifting. I cut my hair in anticipation of the new semester. I love the way it feels to have something new, fresh, different about my appearance, even if it's that small. I have a pretty pink planner, and I've written in my new schedule and concert dates. I'm all set for the back-to-school party I'm hosting, and I have meetings scheduled with my advisors for the new year.
I am nervous, though. I didn't study as seriously as I should have, and I'm concerned. I didn't use my time for what really makes a visible difference at school...but I did use my time for relaxing, creating, cooking, cleaning, enjoying my family. What really matters? It's hard to find balance between what's good, needed, immediate, future, necessary, fun, relaxing, work. Have I sold out to what's good, missing out on the time to do what I should? Here I am blogging (and making cookies and earning points on SwagBucks). Is this productive for much beyond my own need to get stuff out on "paper"? Well, the hubby is happy about the cookies, I'm earning free stuff online, and I'm not bugging him with my self-analysis.
Goals for this week, though:
- eat healthier (less cookies)
- sleep schedule change to match the new school year
- exercise each day - spirit and body!
- actually study like I'm supposed to
- print out the scores I need to study, and study them
- try not to worry about finances, trusting that God will provide a job for my hubby
- make a birthday card for my Grandma
- knit some more just for me
- paint something
- make extra of each meal and freeze it for busy evenings to come
- visualize a successful, happy, exciting, organized, peaceful, joyful, friend-ful end to my post-secondary education
And pray. And breathe! And believe that I'm here for God's reasons, even though I don't understand.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
a hymn for unemployment
For any circumstance, really! This hymn by Frances Ridley Havergal (1836-1879) is set to a familiar tune by Samuel Wesley (1810-1876) - "The Church's One Foundation."
Another Year is Dawning
Another year is dawning: Dear Father let it be,
In working or in waiting, Another year with thee;
Another year of progress, Another year of praise,
Another year of proving Thy presence all the days;
Another year of mercies, Of faithfulness and grace;
Another year of gladness In the shining of thy face;
Another year of leaning Upon thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting, Of quiet, happy rest;
Another year of service, Of witness for thy love;
Another year of training For holier work above.
Another year is dawning: Dear Father, let it be,
On earth or else in heaven, Another year for thee.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
fresh m&m's
taste better than older ones.
go figure. it's my opinion that they always taste best out of the individual-size bags, but since i eat only a few at a time, they don't stay wonderful for long. still good, but not fantastic.
mmm.
we're enjoying the "warm" weather in our little city - highs in the 50's today. (Farenheit, that is.) tomorrow will be much colder, and only in the 20's, so it's a welcome break.
We visited my in-laws and their church a couple weeks ago, and the pastor always distributes a scripture reading plan that goes along with his sermon that week. The verse to memorize was this:
"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." ~Psalm 105:4
And it has been very helpful to me. There is no time in my life that I have needed strength and wisdom more than now, and I'm so thankful that I have God to rely on. I really can't do this all by myself.
go figure. it's my opinion that they always taste best out of the individual-size bags, but since i eat only a few at a time, they don't stay wonderful for long. still good, but not fantastic.
mmm.
we're enjoying the "warm" weather in our little city - highs in the 50's today. (Farenheit, that is.) tomorrow will be much colder, and only in the 20's, so it's a welcome break.
We visited my in-laws and their church a couple weeks ago, and the pastor always distributes a scripture reading plan that goes along with his sermon that week. The verse to memorize was this:
"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." ~Psalm 105:4
And it has been very helpful to me. There is no time in my life that I have needed strength and wisdom more than now, and I'm so thankful that I have God to rely on. I really can't do this all by myself.
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