"home," but not.

home is wherever i am that my husband is with me. he is my "home," and when i'm with him, i feel most at rest, safe, completely loved, and confident. right now i'm at my parents' home, and he is miles away at our little apartment. i'm teaching at a summer music school for a week (just a week!), and i miss him so much.
it feels empty to lay down at night without him. i miss his hand holding mine at the breakfast table. i miss driving to work together. i miss the hugs, the cuddles, and the kisses. i miss him.
does that seem a little dramatic? it doesn't help that this is an emotional time for me, anyway, what with losing a job, dealing with less income, and being female.
i love my family and i'm happy to be with them. it just doesn't seem right without my husband here. he's so much a part of me!
i'm even finding it hard to be motivated to do the lesson plans i have to do before tomorrow's classes. but i will.
i'm praying for the Lord's help to let go and to trust him. why must this be a constant struggle? all i want is the peace, joy, and strength to do well at whatever he sets before me.

feelings are not good at telling the truth

sometimes I feel like my career so far - if you can call it that - has been a blip on the radar or a shooting star. I feel like the things that I've done are good, and that I have been successful, but that I was brilliant for a short time and then disappeared from the sky.

will I have the chance to make a difference like that again? will i have a long term career? do I want that?

it's a good thing that feelings are not (always) truth.

this is an interim time, a dry spell, a cloud across the horizon. I will have the chance to shine again, and it will be good. I will have the opportunity to use my music skills and to teach what I love. but this time is necessary, too.

my husband will finish his degree soon, and then I hope to complete a masters' program, too. (this is slightly scary, since I have not been practicing, and since I am unsure of what program I want to pursue, at all!)
after that, I may teach a couple years, but we want to start a family. I think it's really important that children have their mother or father at home to nurture them, to teach them, and to provide a stable, consistent environment.I don't want to be working at a job other than mothering if I can help it at that point in time.

side note: I love chocolate. one of the realtors here at work gave me a recipe for 5-minute chocolate cake in a mug... I can't wait to try it! maybe tonight. and this dove chocolate square is melting in my mouth. mmmmmmm!

I may be able to teach some private lessons. it does take a lot of work and contacts to build a private studio, but hopefully that will be easier to accomplish through the church that we will be attending at that point. I do think I can balance that and mothering, especially if I can teach during naps. anyone think that's unrealistic? perhaps. or we can put the little one in a play area nearby and begin to teach the baby music, too. oh, yes.

all of my future dreams involve a little bit of fear for me. I suppose that is a normal feeling. Ipray that it won't get in the way of my courage to try! I know the sting of rejection, and hope that I don't have to face that again. iI pray that I have the courage, persistence, and will to build up my skills again to an audition-worthy level, and that I will not be too critical of myself.

I have started to put together a scrapbook to celebrate our first year of marriage. so far, I've done four 8x8 pages - moving day, some pictures of our little apartment, and pictures of the beautiful surrounding area. I need to get some more prints, though. the book is turning out really cute! I would like some more scrapbook papers, too, but we'll see what comes of that. sometimes I am more creative when i don't have exactly what I need, or rather, what I want.

maybe that's what God is getting at in my life. I do have everything I need, but not everything I want. I may need to be more creative with my life at this point, and I know I need to be a good steward of the gifts I have been given (hence the need to practice).

may the Lord grant me the strength to daily accomplish His will for my life, the patience to wait for His timing, and the joy and ability to do all things well.

snowy

it has been snowing all day so far - i woke up to big fluffy fake-looking flakes that looked like they belonged on a movie set in the middle of the summer. it's really pretty snow, and i'm enjoying watching it fall as i sit here at my desk. the only downside to snow is the driving in it. well, and the cold. but only one of those is preventable, so i'll just try to be happy anyway.

so we bought a new car... and we're picking it up tomorrow. it'll be so much easier for us to be able to fulfill our scheduled commitments. i really hope it turns out to be great! my husband is excited about having a car at all, and the fact that it's a bit sporty makes him happy. (ps - it's fire engine red! whoa!)

before things really got going this morning at work, i was able to take a few minutes to sketch a picture of a red-breasted nuthatch on a piece of scrap paper. i used a photo that one of my flickr friends took as a reference point. it turned out alright - i haven't sketched much lately. i should get back into that.

speaking of which - i should be getting back to practicing piano and voice. and doing art more often than once in a blue moon.

and i should get back to work.

i am thankful that God provides the work of our hands.