Thursday, November 4, 2010

it has been long enough!

I wonder if Joseph (coat of many colors Joseph) ever questioned God's timing as he sat chained in prison before the promises and visions he dreamed came true.

I feel like I'm in a "prison" part of my life - where there are glimpses of how God is using me, but the inspiration I once had seems so far gone.

Grad school, so I thought, was supposed to be about learning the things that I needed to know so that I can be better. I thought I was going to be digging deeper, having more opportunities to practice this craft, hearing more confirmation from God about why he has placed me here for this time.

There have been bright moments! I love singing in my voice lessons, I truly feel energized by teaching, and I have been affirmed in my conducting.

I simply feel stuck right now. I have multiple research projects to complete in a very short period of time, in addition to regular assignments. Practicing has gone by the wayside. I'm tired! I do not feel the drive to do this degree that I had three years ago, though I understand the need. I have to complete this so that I can get a job - so that we can pay off the almost $50,000 in loans from my husband's undergraduate work - so that we can begin to think about buying a home - so that we can begin to think about having a family.

There is so much stress in my life, and I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. Everyone told me that this particular graduate program would be incredibly difficult - I guess I thought I could do it better, or more easily, or without falling apart.

Good thing that it's in Christ that we live and move and have our being, and that in him, all things hold together. Even my life.

1 comment:

Andy and Kristen said...

ms linnea, you blog! - i'm hooked. :)